Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by AfterFact, Jan 3, 2010.

  1. AfterFact

    AfterFact Well-Known Member

    For 8 months my life has changed, for 8 months my social life has disappeared, my ability to care has disappeared, and for 8 months my lust for death has grown. I do not know why I want to die, I do not know why I am having these urges to kill myself, my emotional being ceases to exists, complex emotions like generosity cease to cooperate with my stubborn brain. My faith in God, faint as it was 8 months ago is now gone, replaced by a empty feeling, fueled by what lies beyond my inevitable death. My little facade that I wrap around myself in front of my parents is impenetrable. I have lied to my parents and to myself, for no sane man can pathologically attempt suicide, glimpses of reason long shrouded by intricate webs of confusion and frustration.
    I have doomed myself to a early death, and yet I will never get help, for I am more worried about getting caught, than I am about saving my pathetic little life. The few times that I am aware of my little attempts, I am dased and unfocused, my mind locked away in a little cell.
    I am hopeless, fucked up and alone.
    My life is worthless.
  2. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    That should be reason enough to seek some sort of counselling or even get involved with a support group. What a waste indeed to want to die but have no idea why or see the reasoning as to what has brought you to this place and time. Maybe your emotions are reading the signals wrong. Maybe you dont want to die but the fasination and the possibilities are overwhelming your better judgement. It's great that you are posting about what you feel here at the site. It gives you the chance to say things that you couldnt possibly talk about to others without feeling like you're being judged or dismissed as "going through a phase." And to know you arent alone anymore with your thoughts and urges.

    The fear of getting caught holds many different meanings. And sometimes that fear is enough cause to not even attempt. So hold on to that fear. Let it work for you rather than against you. And I think you're wrong about getting the help. You're here. So on some level you are seeking help. I hope you get the support you need. Find some meaningful advice that you can use. Here you are understood. So please keep posting. Just getting out can be such a big help. It might even be the first step you need to go and seek out some professional help as well.

    You arent any of those things. Those are the things that depression wants and needs you to see. As for worthless.... have to disagree. I've seen you posting offering words of advice and support to others here. That gives you worth hun. You are using the experience of your pain to try and help others. Not a lot of people out there that can or would do that.

    Guess I just want you to understand that you arent alone no matter how you may see it. I read and know what you are talking about. I understand. So you arent alone anymore. Now keep posting and lets see if you cant find some of the help you are looking for.
  3. AfterFact

    AfterFact Well-Known Member

    I have just attempted again, came so close but then bounced back to reality.
    Itm thank you for your words.