My entire world has gone mad tonight. I don't know how to handle this. I feel so helpless and confused. Basically I told my mum a bunch of stuff and I am a total IDIOT for doing so. I know it only ever makes things worse. I never meant to tell her that her ex sexually abused me at all, but I did that last November and things were awful afterwards. I lied to her about what happened (told her it was a lot lot less). Then today we were getting on well and everything, and I made the mistake of asking her for some advice regarding my therapist, who is a useless cow who keeps telling me to pull myself together and that I was "seduced" by my mum's ex, rather than abused. My mum dismissed my concerns about Sue, and then she started asking "What DID he do to you?" and she wouldn't let up. I wanted to tell her what I told her before, but her asking and asking triggered horrible memories for me and I broke down completely. So obviously my cover was completely blown. I didn't want to tell her, and I kept saying over and over that I didn't want to talk about it. But she wouldn't let me leave the table. She let up asking me for specific information step by step, and instead she asked me what the worst thing was. I asked if she meant legally and she said Yes. After about 15 minutes of crying and spluttering and starting and stopping I blurted out the answer. She believed me, and at first she was sympathetic and supportive. After about 5 minutes she just started being really angry with her ex. After another 5 she was angry with herself. Then she just wouldn't stop saying what a shit mother she was for not protecting me. In a way I agree (as you know), she did nothing to help me even though she knew he was violent and sadistic. But of course I kept giving her cwtches, and saying No of course it wasn't her fault, and she was a great mum, and so on and so on. After about half an hour of this it dawned on me that it should really be the other fucking way round. This is just the perfect demonstration of our relationship. I tell her that her ex boyfriend held a knife to my throat and made me give him oral sex, and then I end up comforting her. There's more to this though. She said "someone told me you were having thoughts of taking an overdose". I thought, bullshit, she's just trying to get me to admit to it, because I knew no-one could have told her that. So I lied and said that wasn't true. She said she knew it was true. So I admitted that oftentimes I go to sleep hoping I won't wake up, but that I hadn't thought about actually actively doing anything about that. She said "why did I hear that you were going to use my diazepam then?". That bitch has been reading my journal! That just... destroys another lifeline for me. It also means that, depending on how much she read (hell, I can always hope it was just that one entry... :unsure, she knows about loads of other stuff, including my anger towards her, my cannabis smoking, my tobacco smoking, the number of units of alcohol I have been known to consume in a week. She might have read my poetry, my lyrics. Looked at my sketches. Read graphic descriptions of how I want to hurt myself. Fuck. She swore on my life she hasn't ever read any of it, but there's no other way she could know about the Valium :sad:. Since then she's got newly angry at me about my self harm (it hasn't been mentioned for a long time). She also said "If you're suicidal then you can just fuck right off!". I understand that this is horrible for her, and I am a stupid bitch for telling her, but couldn't she just this once act like my mum rather than my daughter? :cry: Just this once? She's neen trying to make me give her loads and loads of details. Things like exactly what he said to me over that year and a half and all the other things he did to me and made me do to him. I told her I couldn't hadnle anything more mentally tonight, I was drained and I'd said too much already, and I said for my sake, I cannot tell you any more tonight. She just said "What about ME?!". I love her. I do. So very very much. I hate to see her upset. But I can't help feeling like she's letting me down all over again by behaving like this. But then I was an idiot to expect anything different. Please, reply. Just, anything. I just feel so alone right now. My boyfriend is in London and I don't have a friend I can call or anything. You guys are my family. I am so weak right now, I don't know what to do or think.