Urgent - Please Help Me *triggers*

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by ~Nobody~, May 27, 2007.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. ~Nobody~

    ~Nobody~ Well-Known Member

    My entire world has gone mad tonight. I don't know how to handle this. I feel so helpless and confused.

    Basically I told my mum a bunch of stuff and I am a total IDIOT for doing so. I know it only ever makes things worse. I never meant to tell her that her ex sexually abused me at all, but I did that last November and things were awful afterwards. I lied to her about what happened (told her it was a lot lot less). Then today we were getting on well and everything, and I made the mistake of asking her for some advice regarding my therapist, who is a useless cow who keeps telling me to pull myself together and that I was "seduced" by my mum's ex, rather than abused.

    My mum dismissed my concerns about Sue, and then she started asking "What DID he do to you?" and she wouldn't let up. I wanted to tell her what I told her before, but her asking and asking triggered horrible memories for me and I broke down completely. So obviously my cover was completely blown. I didn't want to tell her, and I kept saying over and over that I didn't want to talk about it. But she wouldn't let me leave the table. She let up asking me for specific information step by step, and instead she asked me what the worst thing was. I asked if she meant legally and she said Yes. After about 15 minutes of crying and spluttering and starting and stopping I blurted out the answer.

    She believed me, and at first she was sympathetic and supportive. After about 5 minutes she just started being really angry with her ex. After another 5 she was angry with herself. Then she just wouldn't stop saying what a shit mother she was for not protecting me. In a way I agree (as you know), she did nothing to help me even though she knew he was violent and sadistic. But of course I kept giving her cwtches, and saying No of course it wasn't her fault, and she was a great mum, and so on and so on. After about half an hour of this it dawned on me that it should really be the other fucking way round. This is just the perfect demonstration of our relationship. I tell her that her ex boyfriend held a knife to my throat and made me give him oral sex, and then I end up comforting her.

    There's more to this though. She said "someone told me you were having thoughts of taking an overdose". I thought, bullshit, she's just trying to get me to admit to it, because I knew no-one could have told her that. So I lied and said that wasn't true. She said she knew it was true. So I admitted that oftentimes I go to sleep hoping I won't wake up, but that I hadn't thought about actually actively doing anything about that. She said "why did I hear that you were going to use my diazepam then?". That bitch has been reading my journal! That just... destroys another lifeline for me. It also means that, depending on how much she read (hell, I can always hope it was just that one entry... :unsure:), she knows about loads of other stuff, including my anger towards her, my cannabis smoking, my tobacco smoking, the number of units of alcohol I have been known to consume in a week. She might have read my poetry, my lyrics. Looked at my sketches. Read graphic descriptions of how I want to hurt myself. Fuck. She swore on my life she hasn't ever read any of it, but there's no other way she could know about the Valium :sad:.

    Since then she's got newly angry at me about my self harm (it hasn't been mentioned for a long time). She also said "If you're suicidal then you can just fuck right off!". I understand that this is horrible for her, and I am a stupid bitch for telling her, but couldn't she just this once act like my mum rather than my daughter? :cry: Just this once?

    She's neen trying to make me give her loads and loads of details. Things like exactly what he said to me over that year and a half and all the other things he did to me and made me do to him. I told her I couldn't hadnle anything more mentally tonight, I was drained and I'd said too much already, and I said for my sake, I cannot tell you any more tonight. She just said "What about ME?!".

    I love her. I do. So very very much. I hate to see her upset. But I can't help feeling like she's letting me down all over again by behaving like this.

    But then I was an idiot to expect anything different.

    Please, reply. Just, anything. I just feel so alone right now. My boyfriend is in London and I don't have a friend I can call or anything. You guys are my family. I am so weak right now, I don't know what to do or think.
  2. Tara

    Tara Guest

    im sorry :( i really dont know what to say :hug::hug:


    your bfs in london, does that mean now that ur at home and have no where to go if need be?
    she shouldnt have made you tell her :hug: where is she now? is there a place u can hide your journal and things?
    Last edited: May 27, 2007
  3. ~Nobody~

    ~Nobody~ Well-Known Member

    Thanks for replying. Yeah I am back home, and it seemed to be going okay. It just... isn't so great now. I think she's just really upset. I don't know what to do, I don't know how to be with her.

    She's downstairs. She's talking to a good friend on the phone who will hopefully reassure her and stuff so I can have a little break from it. I feel so selfish for telling her :bash:

    As for my journal, I do hide it :rolleyes:. IT's almost always ON me. I don't have a clue how she did it. But she obviously did. :dry:

    I feel so weird right now. I'm confused.
  4. RainbowChaser

    RainbowChaser Well-Known Member

    :hug: Hopefully the friend will be able to help her calm down abit.

    As for you, try to relax abit tonight. You really do need it :hug:
  5. Tara

    Tara Guest

    oh i see. :hug: your not selfish for telling her! shes the one being selfish, she should be looking after you right now not feeling sorry for herself :(
  6. ~Nobody~

    ~Nobody~ Well-Known Member

    Thanks guys. :grouphug:

    I am trying. I am in bed listening to Maps And Atlases and I have made myself a mug of tea. (Ha, not my most common relaxing drink lately, but I overdid it with screwdrivers last night despite the fact that I know vodka makes me feel queasy the next day.... screwdrivers just taste so good!)

    My mind is racing though. I don't want it to. I don't know whether or not I have done the right thing.

    By the way, Sammie, I only didn't reply to your text earlier because all this was going on, not 'cause I don't care :hug: I hope you're okay. x x
  7. RainbowChaser

    RainbowChaser Well-Known Member

    It's okay, as soon as I saw this I understood :hug:
  8. ~Nobody~

    ~Nobody~ Well-Known Member

    When I am less wobbly we will have a good chat :hug:.

    Sorry I can't be any use tonight. :sad:

    I was listening to my mum's conversation on the phone... my abuser has a new girlfriend, who has a 15 year old daughter......
  9. RainbowChaser

    RainbowChaser Well-Known Member

    *meep* That's not good news. But unless you actually know the girl, there's very little you can do I'm afraid :sad:

    And don't worry about me right now either - I'll be okay by tomorrow.

  10. Spearmint

    Spearmint Well-Known Member

    :hug: Somebody hon. I'm so sorry, I don't really know what else to say.. :hug:
  11. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Noddy, your mum is reacting exactly the same way mine did. I was left sitting there thinking when did this become your tragedy, your abuse?

    Best thing is to leave her to it to be honest, nothing you do or say will stop her thinking this is her crisis, so just look after you.

    :hug: :hug: :hug:

    ps: dont' start thinking about the new girlfriend and her daughter, you'll only worry and then blame yourself if anything goes wrong. And in no way would you be to blame.
  12. ~Nobody~

    ~Nobody~ Well-Known Member

    Thank you for the replies and hugs guys. It means so much that I have people here who care about me :grouphug:

    Sorry your mum did the same thing :hug:. Did she change her attitude ever? I am trying to look after myself, I am on my fifth mug of tea. I want a cigarette but my mum is still up.

    Her and her fiance (the wedding is on Friday! Dear God...) are shouting at each other now. I know it's got something to do with me and all this shit but I'm making a conscious effort not to listen to the words. I have music on. I feel so bad to have caused so much upset though :sad:.

    Unfortunately now I have started thinking about the new girlfriend and her daughter I can't not worry. :unsure: Fuck fuck fuck.

    He is a DANGEROUS man! It makes me feel so frustrated that I know I can't keep him away from other people :cry:. And even more frustrated to know that, if I'd gone forward at the time, I could have had him locked up most likely. :sad:

    Idiot idiot IDIOT! :bash:

    They are shouting louder. For fuck's sake....... :blub:
  13. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Put on headphones and crank up the sound.

    She's in shock hun and probably feeling like shit for not protecting you.

    Did my mum's attitude change..sort of, somehow even when she's sorry about it all (and no way was it her fault, she wasnt even there) she still gives me the feeling of it being her tragedy.:unsure: Maybe its just my take on it and not how she feels at all.
  14. ~Nobody~

    ~Nobody~ Well-Known Member

    I turned off the music and went downstairs to make another cup of tea. She is crying... no, not just crying, she is wailing in her bedroom. "How could he do that to her??" And her oh so supportive fiance is telling her to shut up because of what the neighbours might think. :mad: I know this makes me sound hypocritical after saying I was upset that she'd turned it into her tragedy, but I could knock her fiance's fucking head off for that. :mad: If you love someone how can you just say that to them when they've just found out.... Arrrrrggggg...... This is all my doing. All of it. :sad: I should either have fucking told someone about it at the time or never said a damn word to anybody. This doesn't get anyone anywhere. I've destroyed my mum. :blub:
  15. RainbowChaser

    RainbowChaser Well-Known Member

    Because you seem to need to hear this again:

  16. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    NOD!!!! STOP!!!

    When I told I had the awful sound of my dad sobbing to listen to thru the wall:sad:

    Just like you my immediate reaction was why did I say anything..it's all my fault.

    Of course it wasnt my fault and the reason my dad was crying was the shock and horror of it all. Let her grieve hun, it's the most awful thing to hear and I now know this, because when my beloved cousin told me she had been abused I howled like a baby for 4 hours solid. :sad:
  17. ~Nobody~

    ~Nobody~ Well-Known Member

    Thanks guys :sad: :grouphug:

    I wish he would "let her grieve". I can't make up my mind about him at all and I'm a bloody witness on Friday :unsure:.

    It's sweet of you both to say this isn't my fault, but it is really. If I could just keep my damned mouth shut, this wouldn't be happening.
  18. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    You can have no idea how many times I said the same damn thing...but it really isn't your fault. The fault belongs with the abuser and no one else.

    :hug: :hug: :hug:
  19. ~Nobody~

    ~Nobody~ Well-Known Member

    :blub: :hug: :hug:
  20. ~Nobody~

    ~Nobody~ Well-Known Member

    *sigh* Reckon I should just hire some kind of hit man? :rolleyes: I have a friend who does battle reenactments, maybe he'd sort something out :dry:.

    I don't actually want him dead though. Just away from everyone else in the world. Fucking sociopathic bastard. :mad: :mad: I have gone from confused about my emotions back to insanely angry. I'm still crying though. :blink:
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.