Urges & depression

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by wallflower, Jul 12, 2013.

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  1. wallflower

    wallflower Well-Known Member

    I was never formally diagnosed with depression, although I've realized I had it all my life. It was situational. My mom overdosed after giving birth to my brother, among projecting a lot of her depression onto me growing up. Then I was sent to boarding school because my parents had the notion it would have more well-rounded students who would not bully me in HS. That was before I had a crisis and ended up at sixteen with the label of chronic schizophrenia which was later changed to schizo-affective. I've been in remission on my terms for a long time, but there is like no way to feel that my good health is acknoweldged as the label was once Bipolar or I was told it was, which sounds better and people actually don't think you're a full blown crazy. It doesn't really matter now, it's like how could it? The people don't care that it bothers me to have a label that doesn't fit me or how I experience life. So I'm depressed.

    I'm also sick of bad people attempting to manipulate me and beating down my self-esteem. I felt really depressed this past week, with suicidal urges a couple times. I didn't act on them. I feel inside out. Like I'm supposed to be killing myself because no one loves me or notices me.

    I don't want to live here and feel like people are just nice because this is a better place to live than other places. I want the world to be accepting and not panic all the time about what life will be like in the future. I'm scared of the future. I've had so much pain so maybe if I ended the pain for a little while than I can live another life, because I believe in reincarntion. But on the other hand how could I prepare for the suffering in the future if I can't handle this life anymore....is that cowardice or is there relief in death? I don't know....
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am sorry hun you are struggling so People do tend to judge don't they but i think things will change in time people are becoming more educated Are you getting help for your depression hun seeing a doc i hope so. I hope you don't harm yourself hun one does not know what the future will bring so i hope you holdon ok and get support you deserve to heal hugs
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