Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by mixedemotions, Jul 23, 2010.

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  1. mixedemotions

    mixedemotions Forum Buddy

    It's been so long since I last cut, to be honest I couldn't put a date on it. All I know is that it’s been at least 5 months...

    But God.. Fucking hell they are back and won’t go away! 2weeks now I’ve been fighting the thoughts of cutting my self, and this week has just got too much for me. I want to cut, I don’t just want to I feel as though I need to! The urges aren’t going to go away until I do. I’ve tried my other distractions… well all the ones I can physically do. It’s different this time around I can’t just go run until I can’t physically do it any more. I can’t run to my peaceful place… I’ve been told not to run because of the baby. It’s so stressful. I tried to paint but there is so much stuff going round in my head that I don’t know where to start.

    I’ve wrote the thoughts down, but it didn’t help. I’ve even spoke to my psyche… but that didn’t help either. I’ve even pulled out my long sleeved tops in case it all gets too much! It’s the middle of summer and all I can think about is covering my arms… just in case I do cut, people won’t notice as much if they have been covered all summer.

    I just don’t know what to do any more.
    I need to cut.
    I need to feel the cold blade running across my skin.
    I need to see, to feel the warmth ooze out of me.
    I need to feel that rush.
    I need to panic and start cleaning up after myself before any one sees.
    I need the thoughts to go away.
    Fucking Hell… Why is this happening to me. I should be happy but I’m really not.
  2. Madam Mim

    Madam Mim Well-Known Member

    I just want to say that I completely understand how you're feeling and I so hope you can resist the urge. I wish I could suggest something to help, but I've never found anything that worked for me, except making sure that I'm constantly around people and never alone long enough to cut.

    Keep trying to paint, it's a good way to express emotions. Even if you can't think straight, just paint anyway. Also, even though you can't go running, maybe try some other exercise that will be ok to do with the baby, like 'cycling' with your legs or something. Maybe try to keep writing down your thoughts, and let yourself imagine cutting and write about it. It may help.

    The only other thing I can think of is to not let yourself wear long-sleeved tops, so you can tell yourself that it'll be too obvious to people if you suddenly have to cover up. And keep reminding yourself of how well you've done not to cut for so long. I'm certain that you would regret it if you cut now, after so long. I know it's easy to tell yourself that you wouldn't regret it, that you need to do it, but I know I regret it even more if I've managed to go any length of time without it.

    Please try to resist. You've been doing so well. Just keep trying any distraction you can think of, and maybe spend more time with other people to make sure you're not alone.

  3. mixedemotions

    mixedemotions Forum Buddy

    Trying not to be alone for too long is always a good help, so hopefully next week will be alot easier because my partner has two weeks off work. Hopefully that will be enough to distract me from the pain and thoughts in my mind... but on the other side he might drive me insane. I'm not too sure to me honest.

    Hopefully we'll get the chance to get out abit over the next two weeks to keep my mind busy. Long walks could be usefull.

    Your right about the long sleeved tops thing, maybe I should just put them back away, because having them around seems to make me want to do it more, because I know I'd be able to hide it.

    I don't want to give up now, its been so long. but it is just so hard at times. Especially now I dont want to do any thing 'stupid' because i dont want the professionals to see. I'm scared that if they think i'm 'too mentally unstable' they'll try intervein when the baby comes. I'll do any thing to keep this baby safe, even if it means stopping all together. I'm not loosing the one thing in my life right now that is making me carry on.
  4. GA_lost

    GA_lost Well-Known Member

    Your reason for stopping cutting for the sake of your child is admirable. I stopped for twenty-six years because of a religious conversion. A good reason as you have is one of the best ways to stop. One big reason beyond possibly losing your baby is that you could get an infection which would be bad for the baby. Good Luck and Congratulations
  5. Madam Mim

    Madam Mim Well-Known Member

    Long walks are an excellent idea, either on your own or with someone, as it gives you time to think but in a relatively safe environment if you're on your own, or is a total distraction if you're with someone else as I find you chat about totally random things.

    Definitely put those long sleeves away, it'll help remove the temptation. Also, I think that although it could be dangerous to worry too much about the professionals seeing new cuts, it is a good way to motivate yourself to resist. Tell yourself that you're doing it, or rather not doing it, for the baby's sake.

    Do you have a picture from a scan yet? If so, maybe you could keep it with you while your urges are really bad so you can look at it and focus on the baby and why you should resist?

    I really hope this passes soon for you. The most important thing in the world now is your baby, so keep your focus on how wonderful it'll be when he/she is born and you're a mother, something I'm sure you'll be brilliant at.

  6. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Hi Janey. Long time no see hun. I'm sorry to hear that the urges to harm yourself have resurfaced. Please, all I can ask is that you try your hardest to resist the urge to cut yourself, because it is such a destructive compulsive behavior. Also, congratulations on having a baby. I'm sure you'll make a great mom. :hug:
  7. mixedemotions

    mixedemotions Forum Buddy

    Thank you so much Dave, I know it's been a while since I used the site. But for now i'm back


    Thank You ALL so much for the comforting and supporting comments. I forgot how helpful this site can be....

    I'm determanded to get over this present struggle, no manner how much of my energy it takes out of me. It's been so long since I cut, I don't want to break the chain now. It's strange, how talking to people really can help. Just signing onto the site these days gives me a reason to go on. I know I'm not alone.

    I have my first scan next week, so at the moment I'm focussing on that. I take each day at a time and try to keep my self busy. I also have another pysche appointment this week so thats good news
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