I can't even begin to explain how crap I'm feeling. My whole life has been one huge failure from the moment I was born. Everything I do/say/think ends up going wrong, and people end up getting hurt and its all my fault. I don't mean to cause pain, but it appears that I'm a jinx, or a curse. I'd prefer to think myself as a burden - thats what I am. I rely on too many people to help me, and it gets too much for them. I get too much for them. They push me away, and once again, I'm isolated from the entire world and left to lead a life of failure. I should be used to it, but I'm not. I hate it, and people know I hate it. But do they help? No, they're sick and tired of me being such a huge chip on their shoulders. And thats what I am. I'm fat, ugly and just, in general, a big sack of bleurgh. I can't stand it. Countless times I've thought of taking a knife to my stomach and slicing it off but, when push comes to shove, I just can't do it. You know why? Its because I'm a failure. Like I said, everything I ever attempt at doing or whatever I've tried to do in the past has failed and people have ended up hurt either physically, mentally or both. Most of the time, it's me. I failed my GCSE exams. I was offered a resit which I took, and I failed them again. I blame myself for this. Bullies through my time at high school made it hard to work, and in the end I just gave up caring about my education. It got to a point where I'd randomly get up and leave class without a care in the world. The teachers and councilors told me to attend the lessons else my education would end in tatters, and I didn't listen. I paid the price for that, twice. However, regardless of failing my exams, I got into college and started a course, First Diploma ICT. I was happy for once. Y'know, a new start and all? How wrong was I? It started off well - I was getting 'A' grades for all my coursework. I was dead chuffed, but I knew what to expect - ICT is my area of expertise. It was in fifth or sixth week that college took a U-turn. We'd just come back from playing football and were sitting in the lecturers room waiting for the class to begin. I decided to take a seat on the table to the side of the room by myself. I do this regularly and people never really seem to care about me deciding to isolate myself. They knew what I'd been through at high school so they knew what to expect. However, it was different this time. One student decided it would be fun to start throwing insults at me for no real reason. Then more and more people joined in, and pretty soon the entire class was calling me 'emo dickhead' and names like that. They hurt, a lot. In the end, I upped and outed much to the surprise of the teacher. It had begun again - a downward spiral of despair and failure, and once again I'm the one being taken for the ride. This bullying continue for the next few months right up until the exams - and guess what? I failed. I was in despair. I cried heavily every night telling myself that I'm a failure, and a pathetic idiot for even attempting college. I mean, what the fuck would I get out of it? I wasn't born to succeed. I was born to lead a crap life, and so far thats whats going on. I fucking hate every living second of it. I'm getting nothing out of it whatsoever. Just when I think I have something or someone which means a lot to me, they go. Just like that, without a second thought. I hate it - I'm worthless to this world, honestly. What chance do I have of living a normal, happy life? Let me answer that for you. None. I'm pathetic and deserve to die. But no, I can't even die right. I just have to survive, don't I? God sure does have a way of making people feel like shit, doesn't he? I want to die, I want to die now, and I want to die alone. I just fucking hate everything about me and my life. I'm a failure, and always will be.