Urgh, I don't know where to begin.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Deathly Strike, Jul 4, 2007.

  1. Deathly Strike

    Deathly Strike Well-Known Member

    I can't even begin to explain how crap I'm feeling.

    My whole life has been one huge failure from the moment I was born. Everything I do/say/think ends up going wrong, and people end up getting hurt and its all my fault. I don't mean to cause pain, but it appears that I'm a jinx, or a curse. I'd prefer to think myself as a burden - thats what I am. I rely on too many people to help me, and it gets too much for them. I get too much for them. They push me away, and once again, I'm isolated from the entire world and left to lead a life of failure. I should be used to it, but I'm not. I hate it, and people know I hate it. But do they help? No, they're sick and tired of me being such a huge chip on their shoulders. And thats what I am. I'm fat, ugly and just, in general, a big sack of bleurgh. I can't stand it. Countless times I've thought of taking a knife to my stomach and slicing it off but, when push comes to shove, I just can't do it. You know why? Its because I'm a failure. Like I said, everything I ever attempt at doing or whatever I've tried to do in the past has failed and people have ended up hurt either physically, mentally or both. Most of the time, it's me.

    I failed my GCSE exams. I was offered a resit which I took, and I failed them again. I blame myself for this. Bullies through my time at high school made it hard to work, and in the end I just gave up caring about my education. It got to a point where I'd randomly get up and leave class without a care in the world. The teachers and councilors told me to attend the lessons else my education would end in tatters, and I didn't listen. I paid the price for that, twice. However, regardless of failing my exams, I got into college and started a course, First Diploma ICT. I was happy for once. Y'know, a new start and all? How wrong was I? It started off well - I was getting 'A' grades for all my coursework. I was dead chuffed, but I knew what to expect - ICT is my area of expertise. It was in fifth or sixth week that college took a U-turn. We'd just come back from playing football and were sitting in the lecturers room waiting for the class to begin. I decided to take a seat on the table to the side of the room by myself. I do this regularly and people never really seem to care about me deciding to isolate myself. They knew what I'd been through at high school so they knew what to expect. However, it was different this time. One student decided it would be fun to start throwing insults at me for no real reason. Then more and more people joined in, and pretty soon the entire class was calling me 'emo dickhead' and names like that. They hurt, a lot. In the end, I upped and outed much to the surprise of the teacher. It had begun again - a downward spiral of despair and failure, and once again I'm the one being taken for the ride. This bullying continue for the next few months right up until the exams - and guess what? I failed. I was in despair. I cried heavily every night telling myself that I'm a failure, and a pathetic idiot for even attempting college. I mean, what the fuck would I get out of it? I wasn't born to succeed. I was born to lead a crap life, and so far thats whats going on. I fucking hate every living second of it. I'm getting nothing out of it whatsoever. Just when I think I have something or someone which means a lot to me, they go. Just like that, without a second thought. I hate it - I'm worthless to this world, honestly. What chance do I have of living a normal, happy life? Let me answer that for you.


    I'm pathetic and deserve to die. But no, I can't even die right. I just have to survive, don't I? God sure does have a way of making people feel like shit, doesn't he? I want to die, I want to die now, and I want to die alone. I just fucking hate everything about me and my life. I'm a failure, and always will be.
  2. I've experienced bullying too, hun, and let me tell you, it's torture, so I can totally understand what you're feeling and going through.

    You're not fat OR ugly, I've seen your picture, you're skinny, in my opinion, and gorgeous. The bullies I bet were jealous of you. I know I would be if I was a boy. *huggles* You're life could be happy and normal, though, normal is boring, hence why we all have a bit of weirdness in our lives, though still, you could lead a happy life, you just need to aim for something that makes you happy, make sure it's realistic too, and no, I don't mean killing yourself. What about me? We connect so well... *snuggles* Please don't do anything hun. I need you lots. You've had a shit life, a horrid horid shit life, I know, so have I, and so have many people, but you can fight, you can, just gotta believe you can...
  3. Deathly Strike

    Deathly Strike Well-Known Member

    Its all fucking lies.

    Every single word of it.
  4. Go read my thread to you then. When the post is posted, if it will be, go read what I posted in the category above this, uncertain whatever, go read it.
  5. resistance

    resistance Staff Alumni

    Aw Antony, I have been trying to convince you that you're not a failure, you're not ugly, nor fat, you're not worthless or anything of the sort but you won't believe me. I understand though, I find it so hard to believe it when people say nice things about me too. Doubting whether they mean it and whether they are just saying it and wondering if they actually care etc, let me tell you now that everything I say is the truth, honestly, I do not think you're a failure, I don't think you're ugly and you're not annoying either. Your self esteem is in need of a major boost and I hope that in time you will see what others see and will realise you're not pathetic and you have a reason to be on this earth.

    I'm sorry to hear about the bullying, as a person who has been publicly humiliated in school I know what it feels like. One particular time I remember this guy putting crisps in my hair, spitting and throwing insults at me as the class looked on and laughed. Then there was the time in computer class where they kept playing around pulling the leads out calling me a loser and a loner, have no friends etc and it sucked. Bullying can leave a long lasting effect on you and you don't deserve it at all. The people who bullied you were immature idiots and not everyone is like this, as you know.

    There's people out there who will want to be friends with you, and get to know you etc. I just KNOW it. Seriously, you have a lot to offer to this world, and I sincerely hope you will realise it and stop beating yourself down, you don't deserve it. I care about you and consider you a friend, if you ever want a chat you know where to find me. Take care of yourself. :hug:
  6. Deathly Strike

    Deathly Strike Well-Known Member

    If anything, you're better off without me.

    I've been a pain in the ass to you and everyone else on here. I have no idea why I'm still here truth be told.

    I should be dead and rotting in my bedroom not telling you how fucking pathetic I am. I'm a burden to you all, and you're better off without me seriously. All I'm good for is whining, moaning and being a depressing twat. You don't need me making things harder for you people. You're all such wonderful and beautiful people who deserve a chance to lead rich and fruitful lives. I deserve fuck all, in my opinion. The only thing I deserve, which I don't even know if I deserve that, is the right to die. However, I can't even do that so what does that tell you?

    I wish I was fucking dead.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 5, 2007