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Urgh. *trig/language*!

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by The_Discarded, Oct 17, 2007.

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  1. The_Discarded

    The_Discarded Staff Alumni

    more than 5 years ago. Hurts really bad still. I shouldn't even remember. :(

    The rape. The violence. The endless hours of torture. I could kill it all away, but that would require taking my life. And for the sake of so much else bigger than me, that can't be an option. I don't want it to be.

    I just stuff it down and squeeze it in until it comes out of the crevices in one sudden rush of tears or blood.

    And then every comment sends me into a frenzy. And I'll puke myself down the goddamn toilet.

    Can't say it's not partially my fault.

    And now I do more stupid things :yes: like freely give my body away for.... bleh. I don't even care anymore, though. They can do whatever the fuck they want, they will anyway.

    Your body's the only thing you're given from birth. You're given your body, and it's the only thing that sticks with you for life. It's the only thing that's yours, and it's the only thing you forever own. If you're presented with a lack of autonomy, you feel there's no reason for you.

    Sipping vodka, my eyes glaze over. I see it all in a twisted blur and I get chills. And I get anxious. And why does everything look like a weapon that I could use to terminate this fucking shell in which I'm buried alive.

    I'll drip
    down the drain with every drop of my blood, and every drop of myself.

    I'll stop and tell myself how stupid and weak and incompetent I am. What the fuck? How could I do this to myself? Where the hell did I even come from? What is this shit? This is the very fucking thing I was trying to escape! I need to get control over my body. Letting my head spin on its axis until it commands that I destroy my entire fucking epidermis is not very productive.

    So hey, stupid! Fuck off! Stop being a pussy! Direct it elsewhere! Get over yourself! Go to fucking hell.

    I breathe and I do something else and I forget. Then I let it build up until it's on top of other stressors and suddenly it's anger again.

    How cute. Yep, my anger's cute. When I do something so drastic that it can't be overcome at all, that'll be cute. Quite.

    And then I'll be cute and sweet and nice and witty and fucking sexy as hell so I'll get involved all over again and when we have our moments of intimacy I'll feel invaded all over again because I can never, will never, should never get close to anyone. I'm fucking insane and deserve jackshit worth of supportive people. He can't tell me he loves me. None of it's true. You can't love this used up fucked up whatever the fuck....

    I can't even concentrate long enough to do shit I need to do. But everything that's expected of me, I get done. Always, always. Yep!

    Even sleep's a reminder. Fucking nightmares never give me the satisfaction of a moment's respite.

    Jesus. I somehow, a couple years ago, never dealt as well as I thought I did. I guess it was the alcohol that deluded (and diluted, for that matter) me.

    It's fine, though. It's fine. No one'll notice until I'm nailed in some tight box of darkness.

    And even then....

    So whatever. I'll sit, very intimidated, and watch every cloud pass and progressively increase in size until He-who-gave-it-to-me takes it from me.

    Fuck. They're back. :cry:
  2. Spearmint

    Spearmint Well-Known Member

    :sad: Rae..hun.. I can't even begin to comprehend what you went through..It makes me sad and angry just reading it, imagine how you feel.. You're amazingly strong, and I have so much respect for you. Honestly, if you ever want to talk, or rant, or anything, I'm here. Take care, and stay safe. :wub:
  3. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    This made me well up with tears. I am so so sorry for everything that has happened to you. You did not deserve any of the shit dumped on you or done to you. You deserved none of it and none of it was your fault. Through everything you've been through whether you see it or not you are an incredibly strong person. Most people would cave under the traumatic events in your life, most people wouldn't be standing anymore Rae, but you have said death is not an option b/c of things bigger. That shows an enormous amount of strength and will to live.

    I don't know what to say to the things that have happened to you. The things people have put you through are horrid and I wish that I could take it away for you, the events, the memories, the nightmares..take it all away and put it in a box and burn that box away.

    I look at you and I see such strength, even through your pain I see it. You smile and I know sometimes forced, but you smile for your sister. You put on a brave face so she has a life outside of pain. You are a wonderful human being that once you finish school and get out of that environment you will bcom such a beautiful, self sufficient woman who will give B such a wonderful life.

    Stay strong Rae, I know we don't talk often, but know my PM box, my msn, any means of communication is always open to you :hug: you have always been there for me and I'd like to believe i can be there for you though I know much like me you don't talk much about it.

    Be safe. :hug:

  4. Perishable

    Perishable Well-Known Member

    Its tragic the things other stupid fucking people do to us.
    How they manipulte...or take control. w/e.
    It took me forever to partially get over my happenings.

    I hope your not with them.
    I hope your far away.

    I hope you can get away from them....forever...
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