Urgh Why is it i seem to fuck up everything, i managed 12 days without self harming and cant seem to get back on track, liturally a minute ago i self hardmed. A new way, which really hurts. Got the idea from someone else. I just can't take this no more. Today found out someone im close to on here, is in hospital, worried about a few other members. Dreading christmas. Alot of crap happened in my family around this time last yearm and im not handling it well, my brother tried kill himself around this time of year and its putting me in a really bad mood. Woke up today feeling like i hadn't had a moments sleep, felt allright tho because i made it thru one day, then day turns into night and im self harming again. What the hell is wrong with me. So all day i've been kind of in a bad mood, then a text i got made me worry. So i come on msn after having a awful time with the internet. Someone i love and care about pops up. They wanna talk. Fair enough. They wanna take a step back in all kind of relationships. Thats cool, dont bother me in the slightest, just worrys me but at the end of the day its their choice. But i get a load of attitude for not taking it 'well'. Yeah well, the person knows who they are..... I'm sorry i can't be who you want me to be! i've been in a state even since yesterday. I went of intending to attempt, took a pen and paper, sat down writing letters, got as far as writing one to you. One that im still in the process of writing but meh whatever. Was actually gonna tell ya something that would of shocked ya, big time. But whatever, can't be fucked with that anymore. Urgh. You tell me, if i kill myself then you will aswell. You've got sooooo much to live for than me, you don't see that! I've told you time and time again that i hurt people around me, and thats why i say you'd be better off without me in your life and i get a load of attitude again. Makes me think about how you feel about me. You don't understand, you say these things and it makes me feel, i don't want to! i can't! it makes EVERYTHING more complecated. Urgh. Urgh whatever, can't handle this no more.