So I have a story that is probably very like many out there. I am in love with a boy who just can't seem to stop hurting me. He absolutely swept me off my feet when we met back around December, and we dated for a very short time. When he broke up with me I felt...left. Just kind of lost, but I was okay to go on. Thats when he decided he didn't want me to get away that easily, so we started talking again and I was thrilled. Soon I started to hear things about him, like he was having sex with his ex girlfriend on a regular basis and he was flirting with multitudes of other girls. I felt so betrayed, and I ended whatever it was that we had. Again he came back, and I convinced myself that it was okay, that rumors are rumors, and I need to stop expecting so much. Soon he got bored and abruptly stopped talking to me. It has been going on like this for months, and I go back every time, just as enthralled as the first time we spoke. I have myself believing that it is okay, and I keep telling myself that I don't trust him, but I do. I want him to be all mine so badly that I'm letting him use me as he wants and throw me back whenever as well. You can imagine this little dance has a girl feeling very vulnerable and out of sorts. So on Friday, after we had talked nonstop for a week, he disappeared without a trace. So I went over to a friends house and her boyfriend's friend was there. They turned off the lights in the basement and he grabbed me and we started kissing. He tried to force my hand down his pants and tried to grab my breasts, but I wouldn't let him. Later that night I looked in the mirror and saw the absolute worst hickey in history, it looks like this kind tried to strangle me or I got attacked by some animal. I feel nothing for this other guy, absolutely nothing. I convinced myself that we are mutually using eachother, and that it's okay. But it's not okay. Every morning I have to wake up and look at this hideous bruising on my neck. It is a symbol of the fact that I have no control. I'm just being thrown around to whoever wants me at the time. A few weeks ago in English class, we were discussing Dante's Inferno and my teacher said something like, "People don't kill themselves because they find life meaningless. They kill themselves because they have found the meaning of life and they can't handle it." I believe I have found the meaning of life, and I don't like it one bit. So lately I have been walking around like a zombie, sleeping all day, avoiding eye contact. I feel like no matter who people see on the outside, sooner or later they'll find out who I really am. I can't get close to anyone, because I know they won't like me once they know the truth. I feel like I'm lying to everyone around. I'm living in the shell of a pretty, happy teenager, and I don't want anyone to see past that.