My whole world crumbled down. My world has turned up side down. Everything is in mess. I don't know how to fix it, what to do. I just don't want to deal with anything. I am not improving. my suicidal thought is only getting stronger. Talking to ppl... doesn't really work. I scare them away and I am so busy being negative, I can't listen to anyone. The doctors are all about med. which is fine with me otherwise I would have killed myself long time ago. which is totally fine with me too. It's so painful and so hard that I just can't find ways make me want to live. make me feel happy. I am going to complain no matter what, I will never be happy. Little things that used to make me happy... they are all gone. everything makes me tired and irritated. I just don't know how to get out from this. It's been so long and I am getting worse and worse each day. I am the one who has to decided and no one can live my life for me. I have to. So I'd rather choose to end my life. used to be so much easier when I was wearing masks and pretend nothing is wrong and I am a happy person. That was my coping mechanism. It took me long time to build that skills and someone made me think that they were all wrong. I miss those times when I believed that I am strong. I can do anything. anything is possible, I am fine, I am OK, I can do this again. but I just can't do that anymore. any of them. I am sleepy again. on a beautiful Sunday morning. Hate myself.