Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by EmmaEdz89, Jul 31, 2013.

  1. EmmaEdz89

    EmmaEdz89 Member

    I have this on/off ex. We have both had other relationships besides each other but always gone back, there is a strong bond between us and for my part I have never loved anyone else and he has always claimed the same. Last October, after getting along as friends exceptionally well for the best part of 18 months, we got back together, realising we have both grown up a lot and matured and hoping that this time we were ready to be fully committed. Well all this fell apart in May, and to say I was heartbroken would be an understatement. Unfortunately we had booked a 2 week holiday for the July and after much deliberation (and I mean much) we finally decided we were getting on ok enough to go together, even sort things through and get back together. He was being charming to me in the weeks leading up to the holiday, couldn't do enough for me, and he assured me everything was going to be ok. Clearly although I have grown up alot, naivety is still a problem on my part. Anyway, the holiday comes and goes, we have our ups and downs, but overall it is a jolly 2 weeks and we get back together. Or so I thought. The day after we returned, and only a few hours after I last saw him, everything changes. He starts putting me down, criticising everything I do and of course I am hurt, as just a few hours before everything had been peachy and the only change was the country we were in. Now, after assuring me he loves me on the holiday and he is sorry for everything, now suddenly he hates me. He is treating me with pure disgust, and I know I have done nothing differently. The only thing that has changed is the fact the holiday is over with. I feel so sick and used and stupid, it is making me ill. I can't think what would possess another human to be so cruel, and I'm finding it extremely hard to cope with. I am just looking for some help as I am desperate. It is really affecting me, and I don't think I can cope.
  2. Prinnctopher's Belt

    Prinnctopher's Belt Antiquities Friend SF Supporter

    He's afraid that his guard is down and unsure whether it's going to last, so he's pushing you away. Leave him alone.

    As for coping, there's really nothing you can do to pretend to not be emotional about a romantic breakup - even breakups with friends are painful. But the best thing you can do after the crying and anger subsides, is get together with your friends, not necessarily a new beau, but people who will remind you that you are special to them. Do things you enjoy, and cut all contact with him and carry on. Dwelling on it won't help.
  3. LostInMyDaydreams

    LostInMyDaydreams Well-Known Member

    Hello. I'm sorry you're going through this at the moment. I myself was in a relationship before, and we had a great relationship and we broke up, than later decided to try again. Overtime things grew apart cause I could just feel as if something was wrong. It's just a feeling that I got, you probably pick up on it too. I'm sure you love him and the whole vacation was great, but it's better to try and focus on yourself for now. It's going to be painful and I'm sure you wouldn't want to go through the heartbreak, but you owe it to yourself. Believe staying with him, will only hurt you more in the long run. Hope things get better for you, if you ever need anyone to talk too. Send me a pm, I'm a pretty good listener. :)
  4. EmmaEdz89

    EmmaEdz89 Member

    Thank you both so much for reading and taking the time to reply. Its just such a lonely feeling. I'm certainly not surprised everytime our relationship breaks down, after all if it happens once it can happen again. Its just an overwhelming disappointment. I want so much for things to go well. I have been trying for so long, and in the past I have gone for extended periods of time without talking to him, trying to get over him and I know how painful that is and have obviously never succeeded. I just don't understand why he bothers coming back and telling me he loves me, when it obviously isn't true. Its almost as if he loves torturing me with it. And I just feel so alone in the situation, as friends all tell me the same thing and get tired of our ups and downs
  5. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    It might well be worth following the advice from Prinnctopher's Belt.

    Given the scenario - On/off relationship - on/off communication - It doesn't appear from the outset to be based on a solid foundation. There has to be a point in time for you to turn around and say, even to yourself, "No more." Naivety can be a pain when you're ready to give everything - and get little in return, but as the situation is causing you pain/distress, it'd be worth not being involved in that particular one.

    Have a browse around the forum - or maybe join in the chat too if you're up for it :)
  6. EmmaEdz89

    EmmaEdz89 Member

    Thank you.

    Part of me really does want to cut him out of my life; I am so angry and hurt, a big part of me is starting to hate him. But the other stupid part that loves him is still there too, and for instance at times like now I am just crying because I am missing him so much, the good him. I keep thinking back that it was only a week and a half ago that we were on holiday, everything seemed dandy and that part of me just can't seem to let go, to accept that perhaps it was all fake and now that he has had his lovely holiday he no longer has a use for me. I just really miss him, I feel physical pain because of it.
  7. EmmaEdz89

    EmmaEdz89 Member

    Words can't describe how this is making me feel. I hate going on about it but I have no one to talk to. I want so much for things to be different. I just feel like I can't carry on with the way things are, but I can't make that change. I'm in too low of a place right now. He really was my best friend, and he is happy to leave me to suffer. He knows that I suffer from depression as well, and I'm really starting to think he is using that against me
  8. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN

    Forgive me if this sounds harsh - it is not at all lacking in empathy because I have been more or less where you are now. I do know, however, it is never going to work. I spent years and years in love with a guy who treated me like crap - picked me up and dropped me - and I pined for him and cried over him and wished he loved me like I loved him etc.

    The facts as you have presented them are:
    You miss who he USED to be.
    He does not care how you feel.
    It never works.

    You need to cut off ALL contact. And yes it will suck. And ye sit will hurt. But you cannot be friends with this person. It will never get better while you are. I realise I am talking to deaf ears - I would not have listened to me either. It took dumped by text on my birthday for another woman and him not having time for our friendship for me to finally get past it. And it was six horrible months. But I look at him now when I bump into him occasionally and wonder what the hell I was doing all those years.

    Free yourself up to find love that is healthy and will make you happy. He is not it. You know this already.
  9. EmmaEdz89

    EmmaEdz89 Member

    I know you are all right, but I just find it so hard letting go of him. I literally break down when I do and feel empty.

    I saw him today which was a mistake. He was so cold in a way he never has been with me before. I could do nothing right either. When I was happy and excited for the day, he counteracted by being grumpy, putting a downer on everything I said until he actually reduced me to tears. Then when he had finally broken my happy spirit, he gave me a very patronising lecture and proceeded to tell me all the things I fail at. Yet I stayed with him for the whole day, and actually felt sad and missed him when I left. Crazy right?
    We made possible plans for next weekend as well, more crazy, which he has now cancelled this evening. This has left me distraught. I know I am insane for feeling like this. I should be happy to not have to endure another meeting like today, and it should have been cancelling on him, and yet that seemed like the only thing I had to look forward to.
  10. Lorax

    Lorax Well-Known Member

    My friend,
    My father was like that. I remember him being a great man which he treated me better than my other family. He had BPD and only improved from medication. I don't know if he has a mood disorder, but even if he does, no human should be treated as less than a savior. That's a personal/spiritual view but it's true. If he treats you like that, he enjoys your pain. He may very well be sociopathic who knows. You just have to cut him, and face the pain. Don't just fall for who ever treats you nice after, if they prove they can be constantly good to you, that's the only person you can let in. I know it hurts, that you "want" to love him, but the fact is you just want someone to pick you up. And you built a tolerance to being put down. I know this feeling.. But if you let people put you down, your inner voice changes to say "you're not good enough" everyone should be loved, screw those that only hurt.