Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by Unregistered555, Jun 25, 2007.

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  1. I'm so pathetic and useless :( not only have I been ranting to anyone who will listen for the past week or so, I haven't been supporting someone I love who has needed support too, and today I wasted most of the day sleeping because I was up til 5am trying to 'exercise' and planning that today I would start a diet.
    And now that today is here, I don't want to. I'm a greedy, fat pig and i want to just smother myself in food, because that's what i do when i feel bad.
    I hate this, i just wish it would all go away. My legs are covered in scratches from last night, just another failure, but a pathetic excuse for SI, all because i can't afford to draw blood and have lasting scars.
    I don't know what to do.
  2. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Oh, how many times have I done that. Usually around Thursday I discover I've wasted yet another I start list writing for Monday (it's always Monday) that I'll:

    Stop smoking
    Start using exercise dvds
    Start diet.

    Next thing I know, it's Thursday, I haven't done any of the above..but I'm writing a wonderful list of to dos for Monday :laugh:

    You are not alone hun :hug:
  3. ybt

    ybt Guest

    while i hate to pinpoint anything on one problem (usually), i'd say you're undergoing a lot of stress, which makes you rant to anybody that will listen. ie, you're not useless.
  4. I'm pathetic, horrible and SLOW. I'm so stupid, I should have been faster. God, all the bad things anyone's ever said about me are true. Fuck this, I need to hurt. I deserve it. It's all I deserve.
  5. Deathly Strike

    Deathly Strike Well-Known Member

    You're not useless.

    You're also not alone when it comes to not doing things. Like Terry said, we've all wrote lists but when push comes to shove we just don't do it. Don't feel useless, hun.
  6. rd9671

    rd9671 Guest

    Coming from a chronic list writer, I know how you feel about failing at all of the things that we set out to do. What I found was that rather than telling myself that I am going to start "exercising" tomorrow, I tell myself that I am going to walk to the 'end of the block', or I will take the stairs at the docs office rather than the elevator. As far as the 'dieting', I just either cut out one thing (like soda or chips) or add one thing (like carrot sticks or grapes). i found that trying a major overhaul in any area of life can be overwhelming and we give up on the great expectations, labeling ourselves a 'failure'.

    This is all just my opinion and it was helpful for me, i am sure it is not without its problems, it is something you can try if you want.
  7. sorry to keep posting, i just don't know what else to do. i feel so shitty, just ready to cry, but i can't. mustn't cry. can't show weakness. can't tip anyone off that everything isn't ok. that the laughter is fake.
    I wanted so badly to hurt earlier, but i didn't because i was doing something else, a distraction from all the thoughts crowding into my head. I don't know how i'll avoid it later though, i don't even really want to. I deserve to hurt, despite what people are saying to the contrary. i failed again tonight with what i'm supposed to do, i couldn't do anything to help someone who asked for it. i made someone else worse and embarrassed, and i'm just sick of this, sick of everything. i know when people say "i'm sorry, i shouldn't have done that" i should say "no you shouldn't! it made me feel like shit", or when someone says something they know will hurt or upset me or be too much for me right now and then says "oh i'm sorry", i should stop saying "it's ok". but i can't because i'm scared that people will hate me for not being there, for not just accepting everything, for not being the one who sorts stuff out and gets things done and is always there with a listening ear, a glib remark or a witty anecdote...but i don't know what to do. i can't stop being this person. i don't want to let anyone down. so i just struggle on and take everything and take on more and if anything needs done or anyone wants to talk or anything, i do it. i try so hard, and i just keep failing right now. i'm scared that if i stop being here, i'll be failing people and that will make me useless, which is even worse than destroying me. but i'm also scared that by taking on too much i could become useless too, and it already seems like that's happening. i'm so terrified of not being worth anything.

    i'm sorry, this has just been a big ramble. i don't have anyone i can talk to right now, because they all have their own problems and are dealing with other people's, as well as having listened to enough of my shit for a lifetime. a few people have said lately they're always here if i need to talk, but i don't want to bother them. i don't want to bother anyone. part of me thinks if i just did it, just did whatever it is i could do and managed to die, everyone would be so much better off, because right now i'm not managing anything and i'm just dragging people down with me. i'm just a failure.

    (if you know who this is, i'm sorry. And S - i'm really really sorry, i shouldn't have told you, that just gave you more to deal with. don't worry.)
  8. StupidMuppet

    StupidMuppet Guest

    You really need to talk to someone hunny. No-one here wants to see you in a bad way :hug:
  9. It's probably better that hardly anyone responded to the posts I've made here. It's a bit stupid that so much of this thread is me complaining. After last night, I'd like to just stop. I had a bit of a freakout last night, and two very dear friends helped me a lot. Then one told me in 20 years time I'd probably look back on this and wonder why I had been so scared.
    So I am probably just overreacting. Right now I just feel kind of blank and teary - and a little tired, even though I got more sleep than usual, from 3am until 1pm. I can only hope that the other feelings don't come back.
  10. This probably belongs more in Let it all out because i'm ranting so much but i don't want everyone to know who i am. some of you probably already know. i'm sorry. one of you blackmailed it out of me :dry: i'm still not happy about that.
    i'm so ungrateful. To the two of you who helped me last night, i am VERY grateful for that :grouphug: to everyone, i'm sorry i'm failing you. Today all i did was sleep until the afternoon, something i haven't allowed myself to do and not regretted doing, for a couple of weeks now. Then I came online and did nothing, again. I felt better when I woke up, but then as I went about and got the mail and came in to start up the computer, I just kind of slid, and then here I was, sitting at the computer, just blank and tearful. Not crying of course, never actually crying. Just trying so hard not to. And then I had to go, but I came back, and did more of nothing. And then I went and had dinner, and watched TV. And then we went to go see someone for her birthday, and all I heard all evening was 'how things have changed, and not for the better', and things like that. How people are better off than ever (money wise). All the drinking and drug culture nowadays in cities. All this kind of thing. And the whole time I was sitting there getting text messages, twirling my iPod headphones and thinking, "I shouldn't be here". Thinking how I wished I were dead, had never been born, anything. Earlier I was so worried about having to possibly change in front of someone, in case they saw all the scratches on my leg. I felt so sick and so ashamed...I hate this feeling. But if things get really bad again (and I can't in all honesty say I believe they won't, even now I'm in that state of blank, resigned tearfulness that I have come to know so well) I don't know if I can avoid hurting myself, now that I know I can again without breaking the skin, or my promise. Or my mother's heart, for that matter. But I don't want to feel so ashamed. Not for that.
    I don't know what to do. I just don't seem to fit anywhere in the real world. This is about the only place where I feel real, which is stupid because this place isn't even real. So maybe I shouldn't be either? I don't think I know how to be real, to tell the truth. If I have ever been, really.
  11. I know none of you care. I'm sorry. You'll probably all just ignore this post anyway. If I posted under my username people would say "I'm always here if you want to talk" because they do that, especially to people who have been there for them in the past. I've been here for a few people I guess. I try, it never really seems to do that much good. I was on the phone for half an hour last night to someone who phoned me, after I was told to go to bed before 12 because I would feel refreshed. I ended up settling down to sleep at 5am. So you see, it's all my own fault.

    I want to curl up and hug myself, dig my fingers into the flab at my waist and just hold on, try to squeeze myself into as small a space as possible. I was asked yesterday if I thought I had depression, and I lied my butt off. Do I? I think I might. People keep telling me to see a doctor. I don't know. It seems stupid, like the doctor would tell me to just bog off, I don't matter, they have more important patients who are clearly depressed, clearly need help, whatever. I don't need help, I need to grow up and pull myself together. I need to stop pushing myself too much and just accept that I am a failure. I need to stop trying to pretend I am a good person just having a bad time, I should accept that I am just a horrible person, pathetic, whining to everyone all the time, manipulating people...I do that a lot I guess. Mostly I lie. I lie a lot. To stop people from worrying, to stop people getting mad at other people, to stop from telling people's secrets. People tell me secrets. And I upset someone by telling them that I knew the secret. They thought I was convinced they were a bad person. They're not. The person who told me wanted me to confront that person. They kept on at me. I wasn't up to it, and I still did it anyway, because i don't want that person to be mad at me. In a way, I was mad at myself for doing it anyway. But in a way, I was more mad at them, because I clearly wasn't ok, and they kept on...the other person was more serious, more important. I know that's not the way the person feels, but that's how it felt to me.

    She was more serious, and more important. Everyone is. How could I be important? The only time I'm useful is when I'm helping someone. All the rest of the time I would be better off dead. The occasional kind word doesn't make me worth anybody's time, worthy of putting up with all this shit for. It just doesn't. I'm sick of hurting people and hurting myself and wanting to cry all the time, and wanting to help but just being so damn useless that I can't. The title of this thread has been true the whole time. I'm useless. I am pathetic. You say I am strong, I need to keep being strong. I have never been strong. I am weak. I can't do what I know I should. I can't pull myself together, I can't seem to shake this. I can't kill myself. I can't even cut. I can't do anything right.

    I don't know how much longer I can keep this up :( This mask is so exhausting. And several times a day, I want to burst into tears and just fall apart. But I know if I do that, there is no one to put me back together.
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