Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Prof.Bruttenholm, Jun 12, 2010.

  1. Prof.Bruttenholm

    Prof.Bruttenholm Well-Known Member

    Useless is this forum, useless is me.

    I came on here, hoping to proven wrong.

    Because I thought I had already tried every way to work myself out of my own self-loathing, depression and suicidal thoughts, but I come to find, I was right, I had tried them all.

    I had hoped I was wrong, hoped someone had something new, but no.

    I can't get over my body issues, I've been dieting, working out and working on other things that were supposed to help but have yet to, I look at myself in the mirror and only hate myself more, seeing all the things that need to be changed and all the things I cant change.

    I can't get over my shyness or confidence issues, partly because of my body and that I've never been great at talking to women. I'm 21.
    That's pathetic. I am pathetic.
    I've tried too, I made a full honest effort and even felt I was succeeding but then my self-esteem dropped, my doubt crept in and I fell out of that program, a loser, like always.

    I'm a failure, an ugly, putrid, disgusting, pathetic failure who deserves to be alone, who will die alone.
    Thank you for nothing.
  2. Mikeintx

    Mikeintx Well-Known Member

    Sorry you have not gotten what you have need from this forum, have you tried therapy before? It can help in situations such as yours. Also the working out and eating right takes time, give it enough time and you will progress to where you want to be, although it will not change how you feel about yourself.
  3. Prof.Bruttenholm

    Prof.Bruttenholm Well-Known Member

    Therapy doesn't help and I hate those self-righteous quacks anyhow.

    As for working on myself, it's been months!! I lost weight but I am still a flabby ugly bastard.
  4. Mikeintx

    Mikeintx Well-Known Member

    Give it another 6 months, keep working at it.
  5. Prof.Bruttenholm

    Prof.Bruttenholm Well-Known Member

    Meanwhile, in those 6 months my stress is gonna go from bad, to a million times worse, next semester is my final semester before I need to move onto a better (four year) college and if I don't get into a good college, especially my college of choice, I won't be able to achieve my dream and be stuck working a dead end job until I blow my brains out.
  6. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    Wow you are really hard on yourself...
    I can hear your frustration and I understand self esteem problems..I'm sorry you haven't found support here...I haven't noticed your threads except for welcome....
    I hear you don't like the therapists you' ve had so far but keep looking till you find one you're happy with and learn cognitive behaviour therapy....that may help you overcome the self hatred.....some of the nicest people I've met have a weight problem and some of the thinnest people still have self esteem issues.....people can sometimes think they have weight /body issues but it's only their self esteem talking...
    why did your self esteem plummet in the middle of your program? did something happen?

    'You are only a failure if you don't get back up when you're down'
    you ar trying to get back up so you are not a failure..
    sounds like you have gotten back up before when you're down so I hope you will keep fighting and get back up again..
    I hope you'll keep talking here and find some kind of support....
    I hope we can help....take care..
  7. Prof.Bruttenholm

    Prof.Bruttenholm Well-Known Member

    I am not in therapy, haven't been for a long time. My college has a therapist I could visit, but I feel it is useless.

    Look, I've told the moderators, I'm a lost cause.

    I am only here to talk, to understand people and help anyone I can.

    I've already decided to kill myself, I know when and how I will.

    So just give up.
  8. Viro

    Viro Well-Known Member

    You may be willing to give up on yourself, but we aren't
  9. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    :awww: :hug: :sadwave:.I don't want to give up on you......

    please go see the can't hurt...
  10. Prof.Bruttenholm

    Prof.Bruttenholm Well-Known Member

    No, give up on me.

    I have no intention of changing my mind.
  11. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    People here arent going to give up on you. Let me ask you something. Why do you stay here if you think no one can help you? If you know it's a done deal. Can I take a guess?

    You came here hoping for some miracle that you havent found or tried before. You didnt. But you did find a place that you feel a little like you belong. Fit in. So you started answering posts. Making threads. Trying to reach out to others that really understand what you are feeling and going through. You need this place. Because it is the one place where you can use your pain and experinces to fit in and to help others. You arent judged here. There are no expectations of you. No one cares how you look or whether you are a huge success in your life. No hidden agendas. Just people, like you , who are hurting but also feel needed by sharing with others here. When you can reply to another thread, really understand that person through mutual pain, it makes you feel a little more human. Gives you a connection that you are lacking right now. Makes you feel a little better when you post in hopes of helping someone else? Close?

    If you could answer yes to even one of those statements, then you know too well that people here are not going to give up on you. They are going to keep posting and hope that they may have that one answer that you havent heard or tried before. We all understand how you feel hun. Sorry, but you're stuck with us. Even if it is a done deal, we're going to stick with you til the end, but really try to change that which you see as inevitable right now. You're not alone. :arms:
  12. Prof.Bruttenholm

    Prof.Bruttenholm Well-Known Member

    I am here to help others, because they shouldn't kill themselves.

    I however, will still take my own life.

    As I said, it's already been decided.

    And I've always been alone, even when surrounded by people who say they care about me.