Useless

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Oloriel, Nov 23, 2010.

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  1. Oloriel

    Oloriel Well-Known Member

    I am miserable. I have already started a thread on this board once, and I was loath to do it again so soon, but I don't know what else to do. I'm completely worthless right now - I can't go out but I am hating staying in, I can't do anything I enjoy and I can't work without panicking or losing control, I always want to cry but no tears will come. I can't bear just existing anymore, I don't want to have to live. Every moment is an agony and an effort just to keep moving. Nothing has any appeal to me, so I just lie in bed or waste time on the computer, and every minute that passes reminds me just how much of a waste of space I am. I don't want this, and I don't know how to make life into something I do want. I'm just exhausted with it.

    And this is a good day for me. Pure depression. There are no voices in my head, no anxiety tearing me apart, no fear driving me crazy. I am just broken. I don't know how to be anymore. And I'm just so tired of it all. I lie in bed hiding from myself shaking and moaning for someone to come help me and no one comes. Self harm doesn't even help me right now. I don't really WANT to cut, and I try to choke myself but this new belt isn't working as well as the one I tore. I just don't know what to do. I want to much to end it...I don't know how to convey how much I want that. I am screaming inside, and I just feel so trapped.
     
  2. Oloriel

    Oloriel Well-Known Member

    Trapped is the best word for it, I suppose. Hopeless and despair are others. But trapped sums me up best.
     
  3. Kirsty_Ann

    Kirsty_Ann Well-Known Member

    Hey,

    How long have you felt like this? Have you had any help for the anxiety you feel?

    Are there points when you feel it could get better?

    It's horrible feeling stuck and trapped. . . you can p.m. if you like,

    Take care

    :)
     
  4. Oloriel

    Oloriel Well-Known Member

    Years, though the worst has been for the past nine months or so. I have had some help, yes - meds, counselors, psychiatrists, but none of it seems to help. And I feel like it might never get better. I am content sometimes, but I feel like it's always only temporary, just dim flashes pushing back the darkness before they die.
     
  5. Kirsty_Ann

    Kirsty_Ann Well-Known Member

    What do you think, if anything, helps?
    Do you think anything could help?
    Do you know what triggered it?

    I know what you mean about the cutting yourself stuff though, i thought it was meant to make me feel better but everytime i tried it just didn't have any affect except guilt. . .

    What makes you happy?
     
  6. Oloriel

    Oloriel Well-Known Member

    ...Being with my boyfriend helps. I just feel like if he could just hold me, then everything would be okay, for a moment at least. I'm so alone. But he's in China and I'm in Japan. I talk to him online a lot, but lately it seems like that only makes things worse - like it's as though he's right there within reach yet still so far away and I just can't take it.

    Other than that I don't know how to help. I've lost interest in everything that used to interest me - music, reading, studying. I feel like there's nothing good left inside me, so I don't know how to let my anger and pain out. I can't draw or paint or write anything at all lately - I just stare at the paper for ages and when I finally do something it's dreadful. I used to be able to express myself that way, and now it's like I'm dead inside. I think that if you were to look inside me now you'd find nothing but a stinking black sludge, disgusting and repulsive. No one should want anything to do with me - I know I don't.

    As for the trigger, I'm not sure why I feel like this tonight in particular. ...It just happens. I wish I knew. I wish I knew how to fix myself.
     
  7. Kirsty_Ann

    Kirsty_Ann Well-Known Member

    Does your boyfriend know how you feel? Have you made plans to meet up? Maybe that is something that you can look forward to . . .

    It sounds like you are depressed with the amount of interest you have lost. . . and it makes you feel more worthless that you can't even express how you feel but maybe try to draw or paint how you want to feel? Maybe put a more positive edge on it . . . and i know positive isn't what you want to hear.

    I find it unlikely that i would look at you and see those things, i only see someone needing help and am so glad you've asked for it.

    It seems even worse if there is no logic behind it but instead just comes and goes. .. .

    Have you got any plans at all that you could try and turn positive?

    :hug:
     
  8. StevenSiew

    StevenSiew Well-Known Member

    Oloriel,

    You are not useless, merely undergoing a horrible time. If you really want someone to be there for you, I could see what I could do. You did not seem to be so bad when I last talked to you on the chat.

    Steven Siew
     
  9. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    sounds like you need to have your medications changed, the ones you are on are no longer working. could you go to your doctor and talk about it?
     
  10. Oloriel

    Oloriel Well-Known Member

    My boyfriend knows, yes. I should have gone to see him this past week when I was off, I was foolish to try and do this alone, but now it's too late.

    I did a quick painting just a little while ago...it's...very angry. But I put brush to paper, so that's something. My second attempt was crap, sadly, I ditched that right away. Sometimes I feel like me painting is just a waste of good ink. I actually apologized to my brushes while I washed them.

    I do think I need new meds - and I hate getting new meds, I keep getting taken off and put on new ones all the time. But my med situation is hard simply because I am abroad. I want to talk to my psych about getting new meds or stronger ones or whatever, but I'll have to arrange a session via skype or something. And after that, no idea when the meds themselves would actually get here.

    I took a double dose of my anxiety pills a while ago, hopefully those will mellow me out a bit. So far nothing but increased typos. XP

    Thank you, everyone, for replying. Having people who know what it's like to talk to makes things a little more bearable. I cling to living if only to see the next reply.
     
  11. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Hi Oloriel. (I really like your name by the way, because it's so unique :) ). You seem like a very creative person and not being able to be your creative self is really hurting you on the inside. If drawing or painting makes you happy then keep trying it and you might surprise yourself and draw something really nice. Also, have you ever tried a spiritual practice like meditation or yoga? You might find it very calming. Don't be so hard on yourself hun. You're suffering from depression and you need to take time to heal yourself. :hug:
     
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