Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Kiba, Jan 24, 2011.

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  1. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    I saw the ppl who threatened me........
    and I cant go to hospital......
    and my therapist wants me to keep a journall.....
    that's it.

    I could go to hospital I suppose but, Id only be triggered every 5 sec and last time they told me....I couldn't be there if I was gona act like a child... and that I couldn't talk about my past when... reason I was there was for a flash back I had pretty bad...... And ever since coming back this all has snowballed.....


    I'm just stuck here paranoid of my own self... My other personality.... what is the point?.... Being paranoid.. in panic... or on verge of panic all the time... Hardly able to sleep and paranoid to sleep.... Cant remember things... Hardly eat... I feel I cant even go for walks during the day due to the threat from some people... Druggies knock on my door at 3am for cigs.... Live on $18 a week... cant get a job.... have no friends besides on sf.... family gave me to foster care when I was 16..... My therapist cant help much... Seems like I beat my depression... but only this part of me.... and now the other personality has even attempted suicide.... Maybe I should just let them kill me.... What is the point?
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Swift your meds are not working if you are still paranoid scared Your doctor needs to know that your other personalities are interfering with you living properly. Phone and let the doc know okay let social worker know your meds need adjusting hugs to you
  3. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the Advice but, I'm not on any medication.. I see my psychiatrist the 7th.. And I don't have a social worker since getting out of foster care in July last year..
  4. Fitzy

    Fitzy Well-Known Member

    I know you said you can't go to hospital but it seems that you need urgent medical attention. Can you get an emergency appointment with your psychiatrist? X
  5. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    Not sure.. see them in 2 weeks.. Don't think I can see them sooner... Don't really want medications though... been on almost everything.. almost all anxiety meds have opposite effects for me. I had induced OCD from medications as well... I've been in treatment a long time as a teenager till now.. Finally just got off all meds in December... Paranoid to even take Psychiatric meds now anymore.. Afraid they trying to brain wash me... o well... -shrugs-
  6. Ravenwing

    Ravenwing Well-Known Member

    How are things? :hug:
  7. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    Not sure.... Trying to get back to sleeping at night..... Idk.... eh....
  8. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    Have you ever talked about your flashbacks? What are they, and why do you think they are coming out now?
  9. Nima

    Nima Well-Known Member

    Wow I couldn't imagine living on $18 dollars a week thats bad but I am here to tell you you really sound like a person who needs help thats all. I think the employers who your'e applying for should give you a chance and please don't be paranoid you can be on medecine to stop your paranoia and I really feel bad that you can't sleep because you're that paranoid... I just hope you get the help you need
  10. Fitzy

    Fitzy Well-Known Member

    Would talking to your therapist help? X
  11. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    i know i've mentioned this before but ask your psychiatrist about propranolol it will help with the nightmares and flashbacks. it's used for people with ptsd. you can go on a low dose and see if it helps. i'm on 40 mg and i can now sleep through the night without nightmares. it is not a sign of weakness to need medication. would you tell someone with a broken leg that they didn't need a cast? i don't think so.
  12. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    Well.. even when I started migraines when I was 12 I didn't take anything for them I'd let myself suffer through them. I have always hated medication... I've tried propranalol before and most anxiety meds have an opposite effect on me being I'm more anxious ON meds rather then OFF... ugh... Idk why I'm just sitting here anymore.. Just sitting here useless..

    My therapist isn't DID or PTSD trained and I cant afford a different therapist.. ugh.. So yea.. Thanks for trying to help. Just seems like anything I do is pointless and useless and my time will come soon either by my own hand or by there other personalities weather I like it or not..

    Thanks for being here for me.... :cry: Not sure how much longer I'll be here.. -shrugs-
  13. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    Swift, I sure hope you are able to reach out to someone about all these feelings and emotions that your having.

    I know Ive posted this before but I want you to know your not alone, you dont have to feel this way.

    I was abused starting at a young age, I also grew up in a really vilolent family. The first sexual abuse memory I have is around 5. These memories and flashbacks didnt start coming out until my late teens, then all hell broke loose in my head.

    I can close my eyes and see my mom getting beat or still hear her scream. As a child I seen more violent blood spread than these video games that are out there now. I to have alot of paranoia from this. Im glad they are finally looking into PTSD for this, it really makes alot of sense to me.

    I started thinking and feeling that I was going to die a violent death in my early teens, I couldnt even take a shower while alone or I wouldnt go outside to check the mail. I check doors and windows constantly and couldnt sleep in my own bed, I would make sure where ever I slept I could see any entrances into the house, even if I was stuck sleeping on the floor in the hallway.

    I would also hear voices and see shadows in the corner of my eyes, this is a living nightmare that will make you think your just crazy. So after a couple of years of thinking Im insane like my father and mother, I realized that I needed to get help.

    After finally was fed up with it and started seeing a therapist it started to ween off, getting down to why I was feeling this way was like releasing a cork from a wine bottle, not only did it help me with my paranoia but it also helped me realize that there was nothing wrong with me that couldnt be fixed with a little help from myself, being able to really open my mind up to living this life.

    That paranoia was from being a child under an extreme amount of stress everyday, from living and seeing what I did. That was the way my body and mind was releasing that stress.

    Not saying it will go away and everything will be gone, but once you get your stress and anxiety calmed then maybe you will be able to see what can be done about the paranoia.

    Please speak up for yourself and reach out for help.
  14. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    I've been in treatment since age 15.. sigh.. I've tried so much. Was finally a lot better. And now this.. This thing I cannot control at all. It can control my body. Make me do things I don't mean. Say things I don't mean.. I could hurt people and not even know I have. Sigh... thanks for sharing your thoughts... I appreciate it... Just seems even if Im ok as this personality I cant control the other. And thus they could kill me without me even trying to kill myself.
  15. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    I know it def can be soooo over whelming and just plain torture by this things in life. You say you were better, what did you do then to make yourself better, can you do that again?

    You cant stop trying, even if your not where you want to be, youve felt better before, and you know how that feels, keep trying everything you can until you can get back there.

    Maybe a new medication, you know our bodies get imune to taking the same types over and over, maybe a higher dosage or a whole differant kind would help.

    To give up would mean your okay with this and that youve tried EVERYTHING and NOTHING has worked, but the world keeps coming up with new things everyday to help us. Unfortuneately we wont know if they work unless we continue to keep trying.

    Ive as many others here have been dealing with these types of feelings and emotions, I cant tell you how many times that Ive done something or said something that just broke my heart later on, but I know deep down that thats not me, I just let it take over sometimes. I have to learn to be stronger than it.
  16. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    I can happy... But I cant make the other part of me happy.. I cant even simply say Hi to them. I don't even know their name.. I may want to live. But I cant control that part that may not. I cannot make them want to live. I cannot control them I am basically blacked out when they are in control. I have NO control when they are there. And I cant do ANYTHING about it. So it seems useless because no matter what I DO... I cant control what THEY DO....
  17. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    Im sorry Swift, that must be super hard. I to have blacked out and done some pretty awful things to myself and to others. Please realize its not you, and that you need to get the RIGHT help for the others.

    Can you try a differant doc, maybe a second opin if your at your limits with the one you have now?

    That other person is there for a reason, whether it may have shown up to save you in difficult times or to protect you in times you couldnt deal with yourself.

    Now that your more knowledgeable about the past or whatever, and you dont need thier protection, they may be fighting at staying because your subcon thinks they are still needed. The other may be telling you that you dont need help, that your fine the way you are and the bad is winning over the good. Are they still needed?

    Have you tried any support groups or talked to others that have been through this, maybe talking to someone who has come out the other side would help. Maybe asking how they got passed it or have learn to live with it may be a suprise for you. We all deal and do differant things to relieve whats going on with us, and maybe talking about it to those who know can come up with some ideas you havent thought of.

    Im just rambling so just ignore me when you get tired of reading. lol
  18. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    I'm not tired of hearing anyone... Just feel no one can really do anything.. Idk... Just yea.. I'm sorry.. Thanks for replying to my post.
  19. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    Theres no reason to be sorry for how you feel. You are a person and you deserve to have a life that you want and that brings you happiness or satisfaction.

    I wish I had the right words to make you feel better, or the right thing that will cure it all but its never that easy, its work and I know after being dogged for so long it all comes and just wipes the wants, the what ifs away.

    Have you ever tried a second opin from docs? Maybe one that specializes in your situation. I know it took me many of visits and just getting up and leaving before I found the right one that I thought took my words to heart and really wanted to help me not just recieve thier paycheck.

    Do you feel comfortable talking to your doc now?
  20. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    I don't have the money for a specialist... Have wanted to see one.. But I can't.. =/ I really appreciate all SF has done for me and everyone here on SF who has supported me. I will try to hold on... On my end. I just cant say the same.. or really anything about the other..I feel so physically weak, like I never sleep.. even though I thought I have. It's like I sleep and the other takes over or something. I don't know... Have recently talked to people who knew me but I wasn't sure I knew them at all. Had someone wave to me yesterday I don't know at all.. ugh.. Just confusing.. No idea whats going on.. I'm trying my best to live.. of the 9 who are present when I am.. Swift being me... I am the only one of them really wanting to live.. The other 8 aren't wanting to really.. So It's a constant internal battle with them. My head is always swirling around with it.. Frustrated by it and confused to hell..

    Thanks again..
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