Last night my other half slept on the sofa. I kinda knew it was going to hapen all afternoon, I saw the signs! He waits for me to go to bed and makes a few comments and I know what he wants but I lie there motionless and quiet trying not to let him hear me breathing so fast with anxiety. He gets fed up and asks me if I love him I cross my fingers and say yes. He obviously isn't convinsed and asks me again and asks if thats a real yes. I unconvinsingly say yes again. It goes quiet and he finally gets up and marches off. I dread seeing him this morning. I dread even more him coming home from work. I think I have exhausted all other options now. I can't make myself love him anymore after so long of not. Trust me I've tried. I don't want to hurt him or the kids. I really don't like me at the moment. I can't do conflict. I am useless at life. I can't stand by and watch them hurt if I tell the truth but I can't keep lying and pretending at my own expense. If Iam going to hurt them, it will be only once and I think possibly that is my option right now. The thought of doing it and failing and having to face the world scares me. But I have no where to go, no money, no friends, no other get out clauses or options. I feel alone, I feel scared. Tomorrow my life is supposed to begin. I hope it ends.