Not sure why I'm posting this; I've posted to other forums and it hasn't helped. I'm not one of those people who feels better having talked/written about it. I've had depression, with suicidal thoughts, as far back as I can remember. The suicidal thoughts just get worse each year, and this year they haven't really gone away. I've started giving things away/trashing stuff because I just don't need it. The thing is, i'm a complete waste. I'm just a fat lump that sits at home and reads; I don't contribute anything to anyone, and I've never changed, even knowing that If I don't, I'll probably end up dead. I don't enjoy anything anymore -- it used to be I could lose myself in whatever I was reading, or in crafting, or a movie, but that doesn't work now and I've become indifferent to doing anything. I have one friend, who lives several hours away, and she's great, but I feel it's just a matter of time before she gets tired of the fact that i'm a conversational broken record, that can't contribute anything new. I'm lonely -- all i've wanted in life, really wanted, is a partner, and i haven't even been asked on a date in 10 years. Just thinking about it these days makes me cry. I can't tale the thought of being like this another 30+ years, but I haven't managed to change yet, so it's pretty clear i'm not going to. I just spend every day waiting for it to be over.