Recently my mood has destabilized, and I have become very depressed. I think I am falling back into my self-harm routine. Only this time I am not doing it myself. No I am using my cat to harm myself. I have one cat who plays REALLY rough. Even if you play with him gently he will go ape shit on you. Recently I have noticed that I have been provoking him more. I play with him until he scratches and/or bites me. The reason why I am worried is because I feel happy when I see blood. When he scratches me or bites me hard enough to break the skin I feel better. I enjoy the pain of letting him bite or scratch me. However, if I am not bleeding afterwards I am depressed. To make things worse I make no effort to clean the wounds, I just let them sit there. I am not really sure how I feel about this kind of thing. On one side I am happy I am playing with my kitty. On the other side... I am sickened that I am using him foster this habit. I don't know, I just wanted to get my thoughts down here.