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utterly alone

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Richardalexander, Mar 9, 2010.

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  1. Richardalexander

    Richardalexander New Member

    Hello my name is Richard, I am utterly suicidal.

    I have a hellish condition called emotional deprivation disorder/syndrome.
    All my childhood memories are of crying out to my mother, who was mentally ill and deliberately kept me alone. Consequently I have never had any friends, have crippling social anxiety ( extreme avoidant type), and have been suicidal for almost every day of my life, which is not an exaggeration. The sick twist is that I am mentally fully developed, and desperate for love and friendship. I have literally an emotional age of 3, while being physically and mentally 21. I recently escaped my 'mother', and moved to my biological father. After 5 months of hardly talking, I finally broke down and basically revealed my child-self, who is desperately alone. He gave me a few hugs but no love. He is scared of my 3 year old behaviour, despite the fact that I am utterly non-violent, or self harming. I am just reduced to a weeping toddler, desperate for unconditional love. Having never had it I am nihilistic and uncaring, and cannot form any relationships. The only people to give it to me were my grand-parents, and consequently the year I spent with them was utter happiness, with no social anxiety whatsoever. Since they died my life is absolutely unlivable. Leaving the house is absolute torture, I literally cannot speak to anyone. In public I don a 'false personality', whereby I muffle the cries and put on an adult face, to avoid any stares. It is so painful to maintain I often twitch.

    I have not had a social conversation for 10 years, trapped in my own body. The difference between me and someone with autism or schizoid is that I am desperate for social contact and friendship. My quality of life is torture, from waking to bedtime. Without the social phobia, I can be very witty and intelligent. With my loving grandparents alive I was a social magnet and could charm girls with ease. Without them I am utterly trapped inside myself, it feels like being literally buried alive. Even my father who has a history of working with mental illness, won't embrace me or engage my 3 year old personality. It's not an issue of family therapy, he just doesn't give a shit.
    It's a complete f-----g nightmare, I have nowhere to go. I am so lonely I just constantly spasm/shake, and seeing anyone my age makes me cry because I know that with a normal mother, I would have been socialising with them. For all his intelligence my father has no desire to spend time with me, he refuses to acknowledge that I have an emotional age of literally 3 or 4, which is the age my 'mother' took me away. I haven't even mentioned the 20 years of psychological abuse she gave me, or a decade of school bullying, but the damage was caused by my childhood rejection. The single most painful memory is when I went to a summer camp, once a year for a few years. There was a girl I was obsessed with, and with my Grandmother alive I still had a small amount of confidence. It turned out the girl also liked me. Then the next year my Granny died, and at the camp I was physically frozen, I literally couldn't talk to this girl. She looked at me like I was insane. It was the most humiliating thing imaginable. I spent the whole camp hiding in my tent. That week haunts me every single day, and if I go on the facebook page of any of those kids at camp, I see they all have countless friends, relationships and so on, while I am trapped in my room possibly forever. Or I can go on the facebook pages of the countless kids who bullied me. Again, all their photos show them with happy faces. It is so torturous I just twitch with pain all the time. For many years I thought my problems were due to the way I looked, and I saw a freak every time I looked in the mirror, partly because of the many insults. I spent over £4000 trying to improve my looks, from dental improvements to steroids. The steroids made no difference because my actual physique has been affected by the psychological state. My muscles haven't grown since the year my Granny died, which only adds to the torture. Nobody has a clue what it feels like to be a 21 year old male, and can only do 1 or 2 pressups. It is so f-----g humiliating it feels like you are not a man. For 5 years I haven't left the house without a heavy fleece on to hide my looks. Because of imagined problems with my teeth, every time I have talked to someone I have done it with a half closed mouth, making conversation or friendship impossible. These aren't memories, they still take place today, every time I go outside. And I could have had a completely happy life, if I hadn't been raised by my mother. Knowing this fact just kills me.

    To escape the horror I live in a fantasy world, where I imagine myself as popular and accepted. I go back to nightmarish situations and imagine me impressing everyone, instead of being utterly rejected.

    I know that even seeing a therapist wouldn't be unconditional love, because obviously you are paying, there are rules of professionalism and so on. You can't 'buy a mother'. And in any case it took me 5 months living privately with my father before I even felt safe enough to reveal my true personality. The two occasions he has shown genuine kindness, I have grown up within minutes, and have become my healthy adult self. But he later revealed that those events were something he would have done anyway, for his own benefit. I often dream of a mother who consoles me and loves me for who I am.
    The nature of my condition is that I don't think I could even see a therapist, I would just sit there silently. When there is a desperate adult trapped inside. I can't ring anyone either, my voice is that of a crying baby. I find it humiliating. There is so much locked up emotion I can't physically use any words to get it out.

    When I initially broke down to my father, I mistakenly thought everything would be alright, and began to develop a parental attachment to him. With that came the same anxieties of any baby - the desire for constant affection, and a longing to be played with. As mentioned above, the one time he did 'humour' my child personality, I felt utterly calmed and grew up within minutes. I no longer thought the world hated me. But then I found out it didn't come from his genuine affection, he was just 'experimenting' in his words. I am dying of loneliness. I find myself using the same body language as a baby, crying out for a caregiver. Obviously coming from a 21 year old male, to an outsider it looks as if I was retarded - When in fact I am fully aware, and utterly harmless. I can no longer display the child behaviour, because he threatened to literally have me sectioned. 21 years of hell and then put in a mental home!?. I am just so f----g lonely, it feels like I have just been born and there is no parent around. Having looked at my mother's history, I now find out that the entire thing has taken place for no reason, and I would have been a normal kid with any other parent, which makes me weep even more. There is no single 'bad memory' I can expunge with a therapist, my entire life is unthinkable pain. If I get a sudden memory of that year with my grandparents, I just shake with ecstasy. And yet that would be normality for anyone else. All I have is a little box with my old photos of them, my only friends, and they are dead. I don't even have the balls to kill myself, and I don't want to. I am just locked in my body, it feels like having surgery while fully conscious, for years and years.

    thanks for listening
  2. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Wow. I read all of that. I think you are pretty incredible. You have amazing self awareness, You are clearly very intelligent. Yet you hurt so deeply, and you are extremely eloquent and articulate in explaining what is going on for you.

    I hear what you said about a therapist. However, I'm just wondering if you have looked int the different types of therapy. I have done Dialectic Behavioural Therapy and can see a lot in that that could benefit you. It's more about teaching you about things, like your emotions. I have attachment issues, and my therapist was excellent with that, and some of those issues were about basically I started to see her as some sort of mother figure, and it was hard and tough, but she was very good with that. The aim being to help me grow and lose the issues I have with attachments like that. It's not the same as yours, but it does involve a child state and it does involve someone having to nurture your inner needs, which may not be what they may perceive to be.

    I can also tell you I can imagine how it feels to be a 21 year old who can't do press ups. My brother has been physically ill for a while and, as a result, is not very physically strong and doesn't have a 'man figure', but he is now doing exercises and that is helping. Could you maybe look to start doing things like that? At home? Also, I'm 27, and I'm crippled by anaemia, so much so that I struggle to get up the stairs. Again, different, but it means I can relate.

    I've waffled on a lot about me in this thread, which I don't do to this extent normally, but I want you to know that whilst people can't understand the full pain you feel, we can relate to some, all or bits of what you go through. You're not alone here. We hear you and we want to help in any way we can.

    Please keep posting.
  3. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I just want you to know that I read your post, and I can hear in your words how much pain you're in. I really hope you'll keep posting here.
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am so sorry for your pain and sadness. A therapist can still help you heal no matter how many issues you have had they know how to bring a calmness a sense of peace to your mind. I have many issues as well and therapy with a good psychologist one that deals with this kind of trauma does help. I hope you can reach out to such a person so that you can finally heal that child inside of you and move on. It will take time but it is worth it I understand and am glad you reached out here because you have people to talk too now and that understands.
  5. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I was tortured as well as a child until age 15, and seeing a therapist does not replace what we did not have, but gives one an option to get things for one's self...please PM me if I can support you...another adult without adequate parenting, J
  6. rostova

    rostova Member

    Can you join a group therapy of some kind? It seems like you could use some exposure to other people your age who are also being vulnerable and not putting on the happy face everyone has in public situations. Most of humanity is walking around with the scars of childhood trauma. It would be helpful give and get support from some of these people. Nobody deserves to be alone for as long as you've been.
  7. Richardalexander

    Richardalexander New Member

    Thankyou everyone for the kind responses. It has slightly numbed the pain and now I am left with this seemingly unending, hellish condition. I have no idea what a 'friend' is, I just live in suffering as the years waste away, with just the memory of my grandparents as some kind of reminder of happiness. It doesn't cheer me up at all, because they are dead. I had the possibility of a life, and it has been snatched away. My insecurities are neverending, it feels like nobody would ever want to befriend my true personality.
    Thankyou for the kind words
  8. lonercarrot

    lonercarrot Well-Known Member

    I hear what you're saying... I wish I were as eloquent as you, at least you have that. I would kill for that ;_;.
    A lot of my problems are due to my parents and family too... My mom in particular... And shit, winter is almost over, so I can't hide my body under jackets when I go outside now...

    You seem a lot like me, but smarter. If you ever wanna talk to someone you can pm me, you might be surprised by how much we have in common
  9. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

  10. aviewfromchaos

    aviewfromchaos Well-Known Member

    i completely understand how you feel. because of the abuse i went through from ages 8-11, i isolated myself from the world. i had no friends at all. shockingly enough the thing that helped me overcome some of my anxiety and depression was metal. i know it sounds weird, but people who are into this type of music accepted me for who i am and all the glaring problems i have. the music helped because the musicians understood what pain was and i could relate to them. i dunno if this helps. but you can message me and i'll listen anytime. =]
  11. Raphael1

    Raphael1 Well-Known Member

    You express yourself very well. So much that I clearly see your pain. I am so sorry. There is still hope always remember. The nightmare can end. I'll be watching the thread if you post some more. I read your entire post. I'm listening anyway.
  12. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    I'm glad posting here and people responding is helping in some way.

    You've been very honest here, and have been accepted. In many senses, SF has befriended you, and you have shown your true self. Hopefully that might help you see that even though you feel you won't be accepted, that you CAN be accepted.
  13. Richardalexander

    Richardalexander New Member

    Thankyou for the nice comments. Since yesterday, I have relaxed slightly. And yes, 'scum', you are the first people to accept me. Because I still can't talk face to face with a psychiatrist, I am going to start online therapy, initially exchanging emails with a therapist. Having already talked to a few of them, it has taken a bit of weight off me. I would definately recomment it to everyone here. Just type out your life, and send it to therapists. The prices vary, from $30 per email to much less, you have to look around. Try the website 'liveperson', and look for a kind looking therapist to talk to. Or 'councilling directory'. Talking helps.
    Oh and 'aviewfromchaos', I also like a bit of metal, mainly iron maiden for the sweet solos. Metallers are often quite homely, middle class types so they do accept people who don't always fit in.
  14. cownes

    cownes Well-Known Member

    wow, well done you for posting on here, you are so honest and you write so well. i can really see your pain and im really sorry for everything you have been through, maybe you would benefit from a therapist that speaclieses in inner child work, to help you, a lot of people who have been abused in early childhood feel they are trapped at that age, i sometimes still have the problem of being the age i was when i was abused, but in other circumstnaces i can often seem more mature than my age. anyway back to you, i think you have done a great job by joining SF and being so honest, i have to admit when i was talking to you in chat earlier, you do not have the personalitly of a 3 year old, and you certaintely sound very clever and wise, PM if you wanna talk :hug: speak to you soon x there are alot of people who can realte to you!!
  15. peacegirl

    peacegirl Well-Known Member

    Hi UtterlyAlone, I just want to let you know how sorry I am that you had to go through the things you did. But the good news is that you don't have to be stuck in the past. You can recover and maybe even help others who have had so much pain in their lives. That probably sounds impossible at this point in your life, but we are often presented with situations that if we heal from them, can be a major influence in other people's lives. Isn't this what life is about in the final analysis? True happiness does not come from material possessions or looking successful in the eyes of others. It is about helping those who have lost their way. No one has a perfect life. It is true that some have it harder than others, but that is why some people have a bigger mission in life than others. I know you would give up your childhood in a heartbeat to have a better life now, but that is not something you can control. All you have control over is how you respond to the life you have been given. I really hope you don't believe this is the end of your life. There's a reason you're still here in spite of your childhood experiences. I hope you think about this because I believe you not only can heal, but you can help so many people that only you could understand. Why would you want to miss your calling by ending it all when you are just beginning? :(
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 26, 2010
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