Utterly isolated

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by sunshine_cricket, Mar 12, 2010.

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  1. This post may be a bit long, so I'll certainly be grateful to those who take the time to read it. Frankly, it's a bit of a last resort for me to post on a forum. I haven't spent a whole lot of time on forums, in general. But I'm really scared and feel very alone.

    I'm not really sure where to begin... I guess at the beginning. I've suffered from depression since the 4th grade. It wasn't something wholly unfamiliar to me, because my father also battled it since childhood. This should have made him better equipped at helping me with my struggles, but instead it just compounded an already painful struggle. I spent most of my childhood feeling like I didn't live up to his unattainable standards and then wondering if I'd come home to find he'd ended his own life. Even at such a young age, I contemplated suicide. My parents sent me to therapy and they put me on medication, but I got very little out of it. Usually, the therapists seemed very cold to me and made me feel inferior. I jumped around to different schools and racked up a lot of sick days.

    After I graduated, I stepped immediately into a mentally abusive relationship. My ex was a pathological liar, and he frequently stole money from me. Throughout our relationship, my depression became more severe. I began cutting myself. And every time I did, my ex chastised me for being selfish and not considering how my self-harm made him feel. I realize now that I dated him just so that I could get away from my parents. After 3 years, I left him and broke off our engagement.

    Months later, I met a man that changed my life. I'll call him Jack. Jack was 11 years older than me, but he existed on the same page. We had the same exact sense of humor and had the same abstract interests. Jack suffered from severe depression and BPD all his life. He was a frequent cutter and was on a large array of meds. He was also one of the most beautiful souls I've ever been blessed to know. On a particularly bad night, he cleaned my cuts, carried me to his truck, and drove me to the ER. Then, he'd have bad days and show up on my doorstep, barefoot and crying. We casually dated, but I feared that two individuals suffering from depression would be a very catastrophic combination. After I started dating my husband, we didn't see each other anymore.

    The relationship I had with my husband when we first lived together was what I thought I had waited my whole life for. I believed he was truly my soul mate and that we would experience the sort of sublime happiness that is the inspiration for fairytales. Then began the slow decline into financial disaster generated by an investment my husband made with his father. When the project first started to go awry, my husbands parents filed for divorce and left us shouldering the responsibility entirely. We were forced to forego having a real wedding ceremony and have put off starting a family for this. My father-in-law refuses to accept any responsibility for the situation. He's under the delusion that his children are beholden to him for the care he gave them growing up.

    The relationship between my husband and I has suffered a great deal because of the financial burden. Since our marriage, I have suffered more from panic attacks and self-harm. I quit my career and often struggle to go out in public, even to the store. I spend a lot of time at home, cleaning and reading.

    At the beginning of last year, I contacted Jack because I felt like there was no one else in the world I could trust more than him. I told him I really needed someone to talk to and asked if we could meet up sometime for coffee. We set a day and a time, but when the day came, Jack called me to cancel because he was having a really rough time. The next week, my mother called me to tell me that she saw Jack's obituary in the newspaper. I will never forget that day, because it was the hardest day of my life. Of course, in some ways, I blamed myself, because I thought I could have done something to help him and prevent him from making the decision to end his life.

    Since then, I have made efforts to improve my life. I go to the gym four days a week, and I often cook healthy vegetarian meals. I'm trying to get in to see a doctor for a full physical (we have recently moved, so I need a new primary care physician), and I'm hoping he/she can recommend a good therapist. None of it seems like enough though. I still feel isolated and hopeless. I have persistent thoughts of harming myself. I feel convinced that I'm destined for the same fate as Jack, but I just haven't brought myself to that point yet. At the same time, I'm angry with him for what I see as the ultimate betrayal. He abandoned me when I really needed him, and I often feel like no one else in the world is capable of understanding me. I know it's a lie, but I can't bring myself to really accept that. The lie always seems far more plausible than the truth.

    Once again, I sincerely apologize for the length of this post. It does feel a little better to have written it. And if that's all I get out of it, maybe that's enough. I just know that I'm tired of being in pain and tired of feeling so alone because of it.
  2. yorkie bar

    yorkie bar Well-Known Member

    I don't think you should blame yourself, its not your fault, he did'nt abandon you personally, i'm sure. More like, we abandon ourselves.

    But hi, anyway

    yorkie xx
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi glad you are reaching out. Jack did not betray you he suffered from depression all his life he needed to have peace. You are not at fault her the sickness is at fault depression is what killed him He just could not get it under control I hope you keep posting as it does help.
  4. Thank you so much for your responses. I do need to be reminded that it wasn't my fault. It is pretty selfish to take responsibility in the first place, but I am very selfish when I'm really depressed and looking for a way out.

    Last night, I was having a particularly hard time. I suffer from insomnia a lot, and being awake in the dark while everyone else is asleep is a scary thing for me. It makes me feel more alone. Instead of entertaining some thoughts about harming myself, I decided to google suicide forums. That, of course, was what brought me hear, and I'm grateful.
  5. empty101

    empty101 Well-Known Member

    Read your entire post...

    Sounds like you've had a pretty rough life. I can't relate to a lot of the stuff that's happened to you (death of Jack, abusive relationship) but I can relate to the isolation and feelings of loneliness.

    I fought my depression similar to you, in that I changed my diet (not quite vegetarian) and went out and started a martial art at the gym. Keep it up. When you feel isolated, find a way to go out there and start something new or better your life. I think you know this, but sometimes I need someone to remind me to do this myself.

    Don't blame Jack or yourself for anything. Depression is a terrible thing, and terrible things happen.

    You seem smart-- keeping working toward a better future and I'm sure you'll find your peace.
    P.S. feel free to make your posts as loooooong as you want
  6. lightbeam

    lightbeam Antiquities Friend

    Welcome to SF...

    It's important to remind yourself that Jack is in a far better place now, free from pain. You are responsible for you. Keep fighting and posting. We are always there with a waiting ear.
  7. Thank you for the warm welcome. I did get out this weekend but was getting very overwhelmed with crowded stores today. I'm feeling frustrated with the relationships in my life. I'm having trouble getting in to see a doctor, and I know I need to badly. I'm definitely going to make use of the Members' Diary... I have a lot of venting to do. :(
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