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Valentines Day

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by JigsawJohn, Sep 10, 2012.

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  1. JigsawJohn

    JigsawJohn Well-Known Member

    I'm gonna tell you about the day I was raped, by a friend I hadn't known very long. It's a long text, cause I wanted to spill it all out. But it was hard, very hard to write this. A chain of cigaretted and cold sweating like hell... Well, here it goes:

    Okay, first some background, cause I wanna get it right. At the age of 15 I discovered I am in fact transsexual but decided I was gonna ignore that, or "do the best I can with what I have" as I cleverly stated. That was my way of total denial. I was gonna live as a girl to 110%, and so i did. I started to dress more vulgar, devoted to the gothic culture with black lace, velvet and leather. The downward spiral had just really begun and I took it a step further. Inspired by how cheap prostitutes were portrayed in movies I dressed in the shortest skirts, underground boots, push-up bras and corsets... at school. I craved for attention. And though I was bisexual then, men mostly got my attention. I fell in and out of love all the time, would let them do whatever I wanted. I wanted them to want me. Also I was tired of the dreary countryside-life I have had during my whole life up until then.

    At the age of 17 I was still a minor but absolutely legal for sexual encounters, I met this guy online. (I won't put his name out). He was 19 by then, and seemed nice and understanding. I thought of him as a friend, so when he suggested we should exchange numbers I was thrilled. We started talking on the phone almost every day. It was by January then, the year of 2007. Weeks went by, and we wanted to meet. I was so exited, tried to imagine what he might look like cause I hadn't seen any pictures of him. He lived in Stockholm, the largest city and capital of my country, Sweden. I lived some miles away, so I had to take the buss, and the train to get there.

    In that big city I sat down in a quiet corner to call him up. It was Februari 14th, on Valentines day. I was wearing three layers of stockings under my mini skirt, a tight top that showed off my cleavage, leather coat and my boots, along with a cake of make up covering how extremily nervous I was. He answeared the phone, I asked him how I'll find him, what did he look like? and he said he had brown hair and a blue winter jacket. I soon found him and he greeted me with a hug and a nervous laugh. (I will never forget his laugh, and not for good reasons). I couldn't think of anything to do, so I asked him what he wanted. He said we could go to his place, though it was quite far away, half an hour subway trip. I said yes, sure. I guess I thought I knew how to handle myself, or I just don't know what the fuck was running through my brain at that moment.

    When we got to his place he said he was living with his mother, but she was out that day. He had two cats, and after I thought sorry for them to have to live with that monster. We were hungry so we ate macaroni and meatballs. We went into his room to watch a movie. His bed which were only a matress on the floor were the only place we could sit in there. The movie we saw was bad and we talked instead, I think, and he started to kiss me. Again and again and again. I didn't like it, pretended to watch the movie instead, and talked about it. Suddenly his hands were all over me. I told him to stop. He laughed. I told him I didn't want to do anything and told him to stop, but he just laughed it away. I guess he knew by then I was easy prey, were would I go?

    He kept on touching me, and kissed me. He's hair smelled nice, but I was starting to feel really uncomfortable. He took off my clothes so quick I couldn't understand it. And then he just did it. I told him it hurt, but he just kept on, kept on until I crawled up in fetal position and screamed.

    Then there's a gap in my memory. For some reason I showered with him, sat on his lap and discussed different issues, such as politics and different human rights. He walked me back to the subway and all the way he just kept on critisising everything I believed in and was. He said he didn't like gay people when I told him I was bisexual and all he said just pushed me down further to the ground. It was like I was denying what had happened. It wasn't until I was alone on the subway, that it hit me. And it hit me hard.

    Five years has now passed, and every year on Valentines day my best friend has to hold me and chainsmoke with me as I break into little pieces and cry and hug her through the whole day. I'm a complete mess that day, far worse than any other day of the year.

    So does it get any better, ever? Well it's been a long road to recovery, and I've done most of that myself, I haven't told many people. Not the whole story at least. But I hate that my best friend blames herself for not being there with me the day it happened, but I didn't want her there then. I wanted to be stupid. I'm not saying it's my fault. It wasn't. I know that now. If it was anyone's fault, it was all his. I can't go back and change it, and honestly, I don't think I want to. It happened for a reason, and I've learned something from it. I know that. At least, I try to tell myself all that. But some days, like today, it just feels it was so unneccesary, so stupid of me to go with him. I've spent hours searching, trying to find him on the internet so I could hunt him down and kill him. But not a single trace. It's like he's vanished from the face of earth. I should have fought, or just run the hell out of there, anywhere...
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    oh hun if you fought he might have harmed you more hun I am sorry that that happen to you. He has disappeared hun good thing ok you onow hun if you can reach out and get some help some councilling to help you heal ok Don't let him keep you the victim any longer hun you get help you deserve you need to move forward hugs
  3. Emily Rose

    Emily Rose Member


    You went through a horrible experience and I wish I could help you somehow. That guy had no right to treat you the way he did and he shouldn't get away with it. You told him to stop and that you didn't want to participate in sexual activity so therefore you were raped and could press charges. If you have anything to show the police then they could help you. But it's up to you to help yourself mentaly. Don't let him make you feel like less of a person because your an amazing human and I'm sure your a great friend. I don't know you but I wish I could help. I am sorry for what you went through. You can't change the past, unfortunately. But you can change the future. Maybe now you understand that it's not a good idea to meet up with people alone on a first date. Meet in public and do it socially so it can't get out of hand. And after you feel like you can trust him/her then you can go from there. But you ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS have to make sure your the one in complete control of the situation so that event doesn't happen again understand? Bring something to defend yourself. And now you just need to talk about it to friends. If you hold it in it will only devour your spirit... you can't hold things in all the time. People are sent to you for little reasons. You can talk to me. I love to help and talk to people. :) I won't judge you or your situation. I'm quite friendly myself. Lol. Talk to people and be active. Work out and go for success. Having a successful life will change your mood. You need to feel happy whatever you decide to do and I wish you the best of luck :) You are a wonderful person who deserves a happy life. You can't let anyone take that from you. I'm just a message away :)
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