Vanity is death

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by mcglinchey's revenge, Aug 21, 2011.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Hello.

    I am in my 30s and have been dealing with suicidal leanings for a couple of years. I had somewhat of a rough upbringing, with my sole parent suffering schizophrenia, but was pretty healthy before a couple of years ago.

    Unfortunately a decision I made in my mid 20s when bored and unmotivated came back to haunt me. I noticed my hair was thinning a little bit, liking my long retro hair and probably angst ridden about getting older, I panicked and 'researched' some hair loss sites where some self-appointed 'experts' (probably spammers) advised to try finasteride, and where to buy it. As it costs like fifty pounds/75 dollars A MONTH I thought I was doing myself a favour saving money, and avoiding the doctor prescribing me it doing this.

    So I did. I remember reading about side effects of loss of libido and impotence occurring in less than 2% of men - compared to a placebo of 1% - that would go away anyway on cessation. I remember feeling hornier for a few days after getting it and then not thinking about it again. I was living at my parent's house in the suburbs at the time and not in a relationship.

    Fast forward a few years. I've moved out, had different jobs and girlfriends. Things seemed better. But I'd forgotten about the sides of the drug, and had struggled to have anything resembling a good sex life despite dating a decent number of girls. What's more as my life had moved forward in some ways I had regressed in others, becoming more introverted and less animated about things, prone to mild depression (which I never really had before) and less ambitious. I'd even lost a lot of aggression which led to some workplace bullying. Even some 'friends' had been taking the piss out of me becuase I'd been cuaght with viagra, which I'd also self -medicated in a futile attempt to enjoy sex more.

    Things came to a head in 2008/09. I'd shared a flat with a 'mate' who was actually a **** and had told our mutual friends behind my back about the viagra thing. He was generally quite a snidey bastard, perhaps I guess because he pulled less girls and worked all ours in a restaurant while I had an easy 9-5 in comparison. Anyway he moved in with his girl and I moved back to my mum's, apathetic about doing anything really. By this time I was in a decent job with good prospects in that field but was working with a bunch of bitter, conniving bastards who had done the same job for years and were envious of me coming in and shaking it up by being a great seller. So I was lonely at work and increasingly lonely outwith it. No g/f, not many friends. I made a decision to flatshare again, partly to save money for a mortgage and partly maybe to boost my social life.

    Another mistake. I didn't really judge the flatmates too well nor the suitability of the flat, just the cheapness and location, and chance to be back in the city. Turns out the guy who posted the advert and who said it was a 'happy flatshare' with 'two guys who liked a laugh' turned out to have fucking aspergers and be a maniac IT freak who sat in his room drinking lager every night. The other one an unfriendly Polish academic. iT was here that I was still taking the hair drug, and noticed some bizarre effects although I didn't link it at the time. One time at work I had crazy anxiety which I linked to stress, some people I felt were taking the piss out of me. This was true but my reaction was the result of the drug making me anxious as hell for no reason, although I won't bore you with the science of it. I went out clubbing that night and got drunk and had a full scale panic attack for the first time ever. Thinking it was work I took a month off and tried to find another job.

    I wasn't successful but felt better when I did go back. A lot better. I didn't realise it but it was because I was off finasteride, and was more outgoing, talkative and most of all horny, I had a brief glimpse of the man I should have been had I not touched that drug - but could only see it in hindsight. Still I never made the connection and when I missed the post with the 'hairloss pills' and went bounding with enthusiasm to get them at the sorting office, I never realised they were going to ruin my life.

    This was late 08, and I continued taking them for a couple of months, noticing again I was more depressed and my libido was weaker. I was confiused but put the depression down to encroaching winter and the libido to the back of my mind. Then more shit happened. At approaching Christmas I got beat up by some alcohol soaked junkie types and didn't even fight back because I was brain fogged and passive (I am a big guy).

    Warning:here it gets more explicit. Later that week I noticed that when trying to get aroused by porn my erection was soft and my ejaculate very strange and watery. Then I finally did a search on sides and it blew my mind. I came across all these guys who'd taken the drug and got permanently messed up:ED, no libido, mental problems, physical compalints. Suddenly everything made sense - the loss of libido over the years, the passivity, the depression - all because I'd been self medicating some stupid little pill which I didn't even need and was only taking to PREVENT hair loss! What a fucking idiot I felt!

    Immediately I quit, remorseful and looking forward to normality. I didn't think much about the problem over New Year, and on my birthday not long after evenwent out and got drunk and took ecstasy. Then after the third week off I noticed I couldn't sleep properly, I 'd wake up much ealrier and not feel tired again. At work, where I now realised much of my difficulties with others could have been brought on by the shyness and depression induced by the drug, I felt increasingly anxious for no reason until I began getting full blown panic attacks (again) except these were even worse. I also couldn't concentrate on anything at all. My libido was coming back in full force but in a strange way, it would be there and fade away quickly. I also noticed I was shaving less.

    I'd met a nice girl over Christmas I'd met before and was into me, so I looked forward to meeting her for a date. We went out and had a good time but perhaps the alcohol wasn't helping. Thank God it was a first date because the next morning I awoke to the worst day of my life - my morning erection had bent to the left, and shortly afterwards I couldn't get an erection AT ALL!

    If that wasn't enough to make me deeply suicidal for the first time in my life, I couldn't sleep at all! I couldn't even think straight! My world was falling aapart and I was stuck in some cold bedsit type flat with a sociopath for 'company'!
    I spent the next hours googling suicide.

    The next few weeks were even worse. My doctor didn't know what was going on and as I began reading the experiences of other guys who had experienced
    this 'crash' of hormones after quitting and who'd been struggling for years on end with horrible symptoms. Worse of all for me I was getting worse sides than most of the, alongside the sexual stuff which was devastating but which I could at least hide I was losing muscle rapidly. I lost 20 pounds in six weeks and my thighs, tops of the arms and ass all thinned out. I stayed off work for FOUR MONTHS but knew the game was up and didn't go back when I was supposed to.

    eventually I moved back to my mums after a run-in with the aspergers **** - who incidentally had slashed my leather jacket the week before my collapse which hardly helped my peace of mind then- and the landlord who ignored my protests. I was on the dole and without any hope at all for work, a family and a normal life.

    Soon I ended up in the same psychiatric ward I used to visit my mum in. A real low even by my new standards. Although soon I did begin to feel better as others were in the same boat of despair, even if we were on different decks.


    I got a house temporarily in the town I'd grown up in. I still couldn't handle my new reality and ended up back in hospital after a few months. By now they got me a better house, where I type this now, but the fucking psychiatrist had put me in a rehab unit, thinking I couldn't adjust to foing the basic things required in life:eating, washing, socialising. I only agreed to go because I was promised a psychologist, which didn't materialise. All the while most doctors DIDN'T BELIEVE ME ABOUT THE EFFECTS OF THE HAIR LOSS DRUG. despit eme protesting these emvrassing awful sexual sides PLUS the clear change in physical appearance.


    I've gone on too long, so I just wanted to also say that I feel deeply let down my so called friends from the past. They knew what shit I was in and stopped keeping in touch, or if they did they stopped when I entered the psych ward. Thank God for one guy who did, and visited me there as well as meeting me regularly. I would not be here otherwise, almost certainly. That shit that spread the viagra story, I used to ring the fucker in a rage at his work until his workmate told me to commit suicide, and he told me to knock myself out. Then this other snidey little **** who Id been BEST MAN to at his wedding blanked me in the street earlier this year, having not been in touch for me at ll since it all started except to send me a text about how great a night he'd had at a gig and how he'd like to screw the girl singer - this was after my impotence was revealed.


    So here I am. In my mid 30s with a host of physical problems, problems with dpression and comprehension, my personality changed for the wrose and my old social life of cinemas, gigs clubs etc all gone. Worst of all I will never be able to have a family or wife unless some miracle cure happens. Sadly this is a highly complex problem with little medical attention just now, something the drug company would like to maintain no doubt.

    I don't even know if i'M SUICIDAL though I certainly have the right to be. I was good looking and educated but did nothing with it - now this. I have been in a deep hole and even looked at train racks to see where I could lie. But I 'm mainly so fucking ANGRY at everyone who has meesed me over - 'friends' workmates, doctors.


    Plus as I don't work all I do now is go on the laptop since I finally got it fixed. Previously I would go to the librabry evry day like a freak and devour sites about my problem. It' sunday evening and I haven'tt even got dressed, spent twelve hours browsing.


    HELP ME WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT MY EMOTIONS AND WHAT HAS HAPPENED?
     
  2. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    :hug: just letting ya know that I read your introduction. I am just so pleased that you decided to join SF.
     
  3. ocean

    ocean New Member

    What a disgusting drug. I can relate to this because I know what its like to ask"what if" and knowing how much better your life could have been, if not for this one thing, is so painful. You've probably already seen this, but here's a link to a guy who took Finasteride and had the same symptoms as you and how he has made a 100% recovery.

    http://www.finasteriderecovery.com/

    If that doesn't work, your only choice is doctors, whether urologists, neurologists, or hormone specialists. I know how much you must hate doctors, but I don't see any other choice. Good luck and welcome to SF.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 21, 2011
  4. Thanks Ocean. Yes, of course the 'what ifs' haunt me. In all likelihood by now I would have a nice girlfriend/wife/family, decent career etc. Obviously it's not good to dwell on these all the time. Unfortunately there seems to be little hope in successful treatment for the forseeable future as the medical establishment refuses to acknowledge the damage this drug can do.

    Let this be a warning to others about what many pharma drugs can do, including anti-depressants. Do your research thoroughly before putting them in your mouth if you really have to.

    I think the guy you linked to has had different issues, or is perhaps trying to make money from this growing crowd of sufferers, but thankd for the link
     
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.