vent, plus need help

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by song-of-the-demons-mind, Aug 14, 2007.

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  1. Hello, im almost 19. i should be grown up enough to deal with it by now. but i guess im not. from 13-17 i was a cutter, and i injured lots of people. i hated myself and i wanted to die, ive attempted b4 but luckally it didnt work. I was and still am a loner. I have been diagnosed with bi-polar but for the last year ive been......... sain i guess. ever seince i met my fiance jed. ive never been happier and i will fully admit my life is not that bad. but my mind is. my suicidal thoughts have crept in again, im losing sence of what is real and what is not, im hearing things and full on talking to myself. i have been wanting to cut so bad and recently made the excuse that i wanted a tatoo but couldnt aford it so i could cut things in my leg. but that wont work for long. i honestly feel like there is two me's like there strugaling to be dominant. ive named said person allea, she has been my "imaginary friend who really doesnt exist" (even i know that) for years. my rage has reached all time highs and my depression all time lows. i feel numb literally, senses are off. i hear children playing when im alone. im ruining my life because i just dont care anymore. about anyone or anything other then my fiance, the only thing i care for. thats why i need help, im ruining us even though i dont want to. i want to scream i want to kill and i want to suffer. its scary actually enjoying the soft gray room i keep for myself in my head. enjoying insainity scares me.

    i do know what triggered it though...... im broke.... near homeless, suprisingly not hungry at the moment, but will be soon. life for me is hard but not the worst it could be. but because im young and broke i cant aford mental help. im also diabetic, which i cant maintain well because of little to no meds. my health is shit all around. but i still, even though i know why, cant help myself anymore.

    plus im starting to think im more then bi-polar...

    anything u have to say will help i think..... i just feel so alone right now
  2. Robin

    Robin Guest

    Hey song, welcome to the site but I'm sorry you had to reach such a state to find us :hug: I don't know how much longer you will be online for but for as long as you are online we will listen to your problems without judging and offer what support we can online.

    I'm afraid I don't have any advice though, not that I'm good in that department but I think it's good that you have accepted that you need help, the only trick is where to get it from.

    Your fiance sounds like a wonderful person, it's no wonder you fear hurting or driving her away. All I can do is listen to your thoughts that you write down on this site but if that is enough to keep you sane then it is something I and others will gladly do. If you feel alone anytime on the site and looking for a buddy to chat to just drop me a pm, I'll be about sooner or later and will respond as soon as I can, tc :hug:
  3. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Song, I noticed you are from the US. I was wondering if you had sought any kind of medical disability or assistance. There are programs available for those who have low income. There are also some county hospitals that or clinics that treat low income people. Please contact the county health nurse and see if there may be anything you can qualify for. You should not go untreated for your diabetic condition or your other issues. Seek out the help. I know it is available somewhere. :hug:
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