Vent time

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Sparky55313, Dec 26, 2009.

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  1. Sparky55313

    Sparky55313 Well-Known Member

    Been awhile since I've responded to any threads. I just can't seem to find words anymore.
    The holiday has come & gone...not one word from my kids. This has been going on for years. I still send snail mail, cards & gifts in hopes I will hear from them.
    I don't have a phone. I communicate via email as its much cheaper. I've spent the past few days searching for online support but all lead to phone #'s.
    I live 30 miles from anything of use. I do have a few friends here but they all have other disabilities and cannot comprehend my situation.
    I've survived way too many attempts and think I was destined to live a life of hell. Deep down inside I know I want to live but the pain of everyday living takes too much from my soul.
    I see a therapist on a regular basis. The "schedual" says I can't have another visit until they come back to town in a couple of weeks. Its been two weeks since my last session.
    I want to sleep all the time but can't fall asleep. I take meds for depression & sleep but they no longer work. I also have BPD. The manics no longer exist and my mind is numb with just thougts of I don't want to be here.
    My mind is very creative and I think of ways of doing myself in constantly. I can't concentrate on any other subject.
    I've lost a few friends over the past several months. I just want to isolate and at the same time kick myself in the ass for not being social anymore. I want to be around people but just can't find it in my heart to make myself available anymore.
    I now find myself being afraid to go outdoors. My last outing took me three hours with my coat on to walk out the door. Then I did what I had to and was back in 30 minutes. And even then I just wanted out of that grocery store. I came back with only half the items I went for. I filled the gas tank in the car back in October and it still has half a tank. That shows how much I do get out.
    I just want to vent but can't find the means!
  2. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I fully undertand the struggles you are facing. How everything seems to be so opposite. You want, but you cant. You want to go out, see people, do things. But you cant. You want to get help for your mental helath issues, but it isnt there when you really need it. You want to be there with your kids but outside issues prevent that.

    So at the end of the day the cants really outweigh the want tos. And the struggle to fight all the cants is just more than you want to fight for.

    You dont want to die. But you need to die. You want to live to see if there is going to be a better tomorrow like the ones everyone else seems to think you'll find. But the pain of waiting and each day not finding them is unbearable.

    I understand because if you look across the boat you're in you'll see I'm sitting there. It's all just too much. And damn not even a decent oar to paddle with (lol).

    I dont know what I can say to help but I'm willing to listen if you need an ear. Drop a pm anytime. :arms:
  3. Sparky55313

    Sparky55313 Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the reply. It came when I needed it most.
    I got into manic high late last night and everything was just fine. Today its rock bottom again.
  4. betteroffunknown

    betteroffunknown Well-Known Member

    i'm sorry to hear you are feeling so miserable right now. i really do hope that you will continue to vent as we will continue to listen. we all need an outlet. if you would like to pm certainly feel free to do that too. i will be glad to listen and offer advise if i can. i've been around a while so who knows. please take care
  5. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Bipolar? I hate the swings. You barely have time to adjust and it swings the other way again. And it never seems to be gentle swings. More like the ones at the carnival or fairs. Way out there!!! Are you taking any meds? If so maybe time to have them re-evaluated? Just a thought. In the mean time like I said here if you want to talk about it.
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