Been awhile since I've responded to any threads. I just can't seem to find words anymore. The holiday has come & gone...not one word from my kids. This has been going on for years. I still send snail mail, cards & gifts in hopes I will hear from them. I don't have a phone. I communicate via email as its much cheaper. I've spent the past few days searching for online support but all lead to phone #'s. I live 30 miles from anything of use. I do have a few friends here but they all have other disabilities and cannot comprehend my situation. I've survived way too many attempts and think I was destined to live a life of hell. Deep down inside I know I want to live but the pain of everyday living takes too much from my soul. I see a therapist on a regular basis. The "schedual" says I can't have another visit until they come back to town in a couple of weeks. Its been two weeks since my last session. I want to sleep all the time but can't fall asleep. I take meds for depression & sleep but they no longer work. I also have BPD. The manics no longer exist and my mind is numb with just thougts of I don't want to be here. My mind is very creative and I think of ways of doing myself in constantly. I can't concentrate on any other subject. I've lost a few friends over the past several months. I just want to isolate and at the same time kick myself in the ass for not being social anymore. I want to be around people but just can't find it in my heart to make myself available anymore. I now find myself being afraid to go outdoors. My last outing took me three hours with my coat on to walk out the door. Then I did what I had to and was back in 30 minutes. And even then I just wanted out of that grocery store. I came back with only half the items I went for. I filled the gas tank in the car back in October and it still has half a tank. That shows how much I do get out. I just want to vent but can't find the means!