so I'm here again, no one need respond. Just need to feel as if I'm letting someone know I suppose, to release some of what is pent up inside atm as I feel weighed down and kind of ready to burst. Am trying not to go to negative coping stuff tonight. tomorrow I go for a doc follow up apt. its scary but im probably making a mountain out of a molehill. its still scary, though. and more scary and hard to do it on my own. and of course the mind worries about the worst case. am v behind on work. I cant settle into it and concentrate and get anything done. it feels like too much which is ridiculous I know. I just cant get focused. or stay focused. And I don't know where to start. theres such a pile facing me. something I did on weekends is now done with. it kept me going for months. but now, its done and I don't know. theres something very big that im looking at dealing with and its causing a lot of anguish. that's all I can say without triggering myself with thinking about it. the house is a mess. for me, its a mess. I hate that. adding to this feeling of not being able to do anything. family pressure re something else. I don't know how to keep moving when I don't know where to start or how to start or how to continue. its nearly complete paralysis. and alone.