I think I'v needed to do this for a long time, just get everything out so I can really look at where I am and what I'm going to do with myself. I'm really hoping I'll feel better after doing this. I can't call myself suicidal, I don't want to be dead, I don't want to be away from the ones I love, no matter how bad I feel about myself, but sometimes I want to get away, I want to disappear, I want to go somewhere new and be a different person. I want to get away from myself because sometimes I look at myself and feel so disgusted with the way I am I start crying. I know the things I could do to help myself out of this situation, but I can never seem to motivate myself to the point of actually doing them. Whenever I think of trying to look for help I get intimidated. I always feel overwhelmed, and anxious, looking for help is like admitting failure or that I have something wrong with me. I always expect to be turned away or looked down on by whoever I'd have to go to. Or that I'd be told there's nothing wrong with me except being lazy and stupid. I'm 24 years old, and I still live at home with my father and 3 other siblings. I'v been working retail for the past few years since I left college after failing to get a degree. I have no real idea what I want to do with my life and I can't see how to get myself out of the situation I've created. My life at this point is nothing like I had hoped it would be, I hope it gets better I hope I can change just a little and be happier. It took me an hour to write this out, and it's honestly not much, probably not very coherent, but it's been a long time since I vented anything, And I do honestly feel better.