Venting about my shit life

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by eddie4921, Jun 6, 2013.

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  1. eddie4921

    eddie4921 New Member

    I kind of need to vent. Everything is just kinda building up. I dont know where to start to be honest. In the middle of my exams right now. I go through half of the day doing nothing, thinking about dying, how i hate everything. then the other half of the day i actually get some studying done so i guess thats good but im just constantly fighting with my mind. I dont wanna go back to uni. When i was there last i got so depressed and suicidal and very very lonely. I hated it. But i have nothing else to do i have to go back. I really wanna be a psychologist and help other people. But idk im kinda lost right now. Do i just give up and kill myself when i get back there in september. Or do i try and keep going. Most of the time i just wanna give up.

    I dont think this dose of antidepressants are working very good. My doctor said to go back and we can increase the dosage if i feel worse again but i cant be bothered. I also dont feel like i deserve to get better. I feel like i should die. thats all i want if i goto doctors theyll try and stop me. And ive got to hide going there cos my dad doesnt know im depressed. Im a really isolated person, i have no friends. I dont really want them i cant trust people. Its safe on my own. My only friend lives in a different country, but its nice that i have her. She knows everything and is still my bestfriend. I dont do anything all day but watch tv, go online and i work . I feel worthless. I dont see the point in me living.

    One of the main things that i hate about myself is that im actually a girl. Biologically. But i feel like im a boy. thats why my names eddie in my username. Online is the only place i can be myself. No one apart from my bestfriend knows this about me. I hate it. My family will hate me. My dad is the most homophobic man you will ever meet. My mum will be so disappointed in me. My sister will be freaked out. Im a freak arent i? I hate that when i go to work i have to wear makeup to look a bit more girly. I wear guys clothes all the time, i always have done since i was like 9. Im 20 now. My parents dont even suspect im a lesbian or anything! I mean i have never even been in a relationship before. No girl will ever like me. Im so ugly, im covered in scars, i have the most boring personality and im not even a real guy ffs.

    I dont see the point in living anymore. Im so alone. Im so tired hating myself. Im so tired and fed up of being different. I HAtE EVERYtHING

    thank you if you read that :)
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hey there Eddie,

    First of all I do think you should definitely go back to college, it's good for the mind, keeps you occupied and gives
    you the opportunity of a good job. I myself am planning on starting a course next september. I did it last year but
    because my anxiety was so bad and a hospitalization I had to leave. I assume you already have a year or more done,
    so I'd say continue with it.

    As for your anti-depressants not working, I would definitely go back and mention it to your doctor because in most
    cases it can take some time to find the right one. Are they planning on referring you to a psychiatrist for specialist
    help? If not it might be a good idea to do so.Good luck with whatever you choose to do.

    You are NOT a freak, there are so many people in the world that way and it is becoming more and more socially
    acceptable. Try and accept yourself for who you are, and don't ever change for others.Also, Bio oil is gret to use
    on scars to reduce the severity of their appearance. No one is ugly, beauty comes from within. As we get older we
    realise this.

    Last but not least, I am sorry you are feeling so lonely right now, just know you have us!!
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