Venting Keeps Me Not Dead

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Forgotten_Man, Dec 24, 2011.

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  1. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    SO I guess I just need to vent right now. I am hoping that venting will keep me from gasing myself tonight in my garage. because as much as I love my kitty... I am just feeling extra suicidal today. I know it has to do with the holidays. I hate the holidays. Because I have to see my family. I hate that it is terrible.

    Originally I was doing ok today. Things were going ok. I finally got a break from the recruiters who have been calling me night and day. I got to go skiing for cheap. Then my sister had to invite me a ski trip with her and some guys she is banging. Like I really want to spend the weekend with my sister and some guy. I think that is where it started because it allowed me to think about my justification for why I will never have anyone.

    So in the spirit of venting I am going to vent out why I am not a worthy mate. It is simple, I am 26. I only managed to get one girl who was so desperate, that if a woman could pass as a man she would have been with her. So I do not count that, even if we were kind of together for 3 years. Nothing official, but whatever. So I do not count her as a successful catch. So I figure by my age. Not having managed to at least cultivate 1 really intense relationship, meaning I am married or thinking about marrying her. Three or Four passing relationships. You know dating a girl for an extended time. Or several random dates and stuff like that. I deem myself unworthy of mating. After all, mating is the human prerogative. All organisms strive to reproduce. So logic would dictate that we inherently know how to attract a mate. Therefore if I do not know how to do that. I am not worthy of mating. After all, there are millions of men and women who have no problem meeting and wooing potential mates.

    I really think this is the thing. I am fighting one of the few things that is programmed into all organisms. While I stand resolute in my belief. It is still annoying to hear about other people mating. When the topic is brought up it puts my mind on it. When my mind is on it. I have a natural anger reaction. When I have that reaction I get suicidal. When I get suicidal I start making plans. Soon there after those plans can get executed. So I find other outlets for the sake of my cat. However, right now I would like nothing more than to ruin the family giftmas. Again making things hard. My kitty being sick, and not letting me help her has made things even worse.

    I really hope I can get a job out-of-state. Then I can really execute my recluse plan. Because as long as I am here, I will be bound to socialize. Keep up a persona that I have spent years cultivating. Only once I am free of this cursed place will I be able to become the creepy guy know one knows anything about. Only then will I be able to finally wait for my kitty to die, then follow her shortly there after. Not that I would be discovered anytime soon should I do it tonight.

    Now I need to pass the time. I just ate a bunch of beef and need to let some of it pass before I start drinking myself stupid.
     
  2. In a Lonely Place

    In a Lonely Place Well-Known Member

    Hi,im sorry to read your story and felt compelled to reply tho i'm afraid i dont have any answers for you:( i replied because i guess i'm the same but in the future,i am that creepy guy or loner that never has company or goes out.Neighbours most likely dont trust me as i choose to keep me to myself,no one ever saw me as father or husband material but i guess it cant happen for everybody.Your not alone but crucially you still have time on your side unlike me your young so try and hang in there coz you just dont know what might come your way.sorry i didnt have much to offer but i'm an epic fail.
     
  3. Atompilz

    Atompilz Well-Known Member

    My cats keep me going and have often been the only reason to live, I found it really hard losing my girl cat last year. Your kitty loves you and needs you to help her get better, I really hope you can find the strength. Don't forget that in the mind of a well treated kitty you are the most perfect thing in the world. People think they just want food but they are so clever and sense when we feel down or sad. When you feel like this just do whatever it is your kitty loves best, a cuddle or stroke and listen to the purr and think how beautiful it is and how happy you have just made eachother with something so simple. Sometimes just finding that one thing to make that moment wonderful even just for a few minutes is proof there is a reason to stay in this world.

    I wish you all the best at this hard time of year and hope little pusscat gets well soon. Love to you both.XXX
     
  4. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    @Mark101: I am just as much epic fail as anyone else on here. That is why I am giving up. Best to let a genetic dead end like me die off and be forgotten. I do not have time on my side either. No one would take me seriously with my experience at this age. I would just be the rebound or revenge guy. Actually I wouldn't be either. Because like I said the level of desperation that the last girl was at instantly rules out any real genuine attraction or desire to be with me.

    @Atompilz:I know, that is why I vent.. I need to let my anger be heard. I love my kitty and will be around as long as she is. She is the only kitty I have. So once she is gone there is no telling what will happen. She is 15 so that day may be sooner than I want it to be. Anyway back to playing video games and drinking. Kitty likes to get in the way of video games. Lucky for her she is warm.
     
  5. twing

    twing Active Member

    i know it can be hard to keep motivated but..


    "Whether you think you can or whether you think you can't, you're right." - Henry Ford
     
  6. Severijn

    Severijn Well-Known Member

    Hi forgotten man.

    Sorry to hear you're suffering at the moment.

    I personally don't like christmas either. We have two dinners this christmas with family and some friends. But I just don't care about it. I hope you too can let is pass by you like it's nothing...

    I just want to say one thing. I think you are making a (big) thinking mistake. You said that humans are programmed to date/mate/have sex, etc. But this is totally not true. Almost every guy has to learn throughout his life how to date/attract women. Some are just better than others at it. But that simply means that some guys have to put more time, effort, and thinking/reflection into it.

    I know there are these communities on the internet that are solely devoted to improving your attraction skills. I personally don't like it much so I won't recommend it too you. But the thing is, many guys must learn and even study the art of attracting women.

    It seems you just think you were born this way. But the fact is, dating skills don't come natural for most people. That's why so many books/magazines are created about dating/love/sex. If you search on the internet for ''dating advice'' and stuff like that you will find pretty many websites about it.

    Just want to point out that mistake in thinking. I really don't belief dating comes natural for guys. For some women dating comes more natural, but even they learn a lot throughout life.
     
  7. pit

    pit Well-Known Member

    Damn. I wish you were my neighbor, then we could get together. I'm in the same boat. No family, no one to love. And prostitutes don't nourish the soul.
     
  8. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    So I learned today that I am beyond fixing. I was helping my sister escape the tyranny of my mom. When I learned that she felt that I am the only person in our family she can be open with. Yet this did not change my suicidal feelings. Hell it might have made them worse. Because I do not feel I can be open with her. Yet I cannot be open with anyone really.

    Anyway, time to start getting drunk.

    @twing: Yeah I know I am right. Hence why I admit it.

    @Severijn: I know all about those communities I have participated in them. I know I am right about my position as well. After all, those who just suck at dating and relationships have more success in their failure than I ever will. I know that I am not worthy of attracting a mate because even after reading books I still am clueless.

    So best to just give up.

    @pit: I have a family I hate. Most holidays I just want to be alone anyway. I cannot wait until I can vanish forever. Maybe get framed and killed in prision. That would be nice.
     
  9. Atompilz

    Atompilz Well-Known Member

    From my experience and point of view I find the people who seem experienced with dating more offputting. Things seem so rehearsed and trite it makes me feel like a number in a long line of people like every gest and line has been practised with many before me. When I did date guys years ago the ones who caught my attention were the ones that seemed a bit nervous and awkward and even a bit clumsy I loved it! It showed they were not full of themselves and that time and getting to know me would feel more relaxed. I also love it when a guy can't dance at all but dances to have fun anyway and doesn't care. In fact the only things I really cared about was that people were clean and turned up on time after that it is just a matter of whether we click or not.

    The main thing to remember is just being yourself it is always best. Also many of the couples you may know or see may seem more perfect to you than they really are. A mate of mine who I thought was in her dream relationship of 5 years with a baby confessed to me that the love of her life is her ex and she often wishes she had never left him! People will often also be on best behaviour when in company not showing how they really are.

    Personally I find it easier to stay single, am 35 now and sometimes wish I was lucky enough to have a partner but then I remember the drama!XXX
     
  10. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Of course women love men who appear awkward. They are easy targets for manipulation. Even if you do not conciously think that. In your subconcions you know that you just have to smile at them to get what you want. There will be nothing more. You may have to tease them a little to give them hope that there will be more soon, but you can always get rid of them before that.

    Myself is an evil person. Being myself means that I kick a girl out when I realize that she is not going to put out. Being myself means only caring about sex. Being myself means only calling the girl over when I want sex. Otherwise excluding her from my life. That is the kind of guy I am. Well would be if I was truly myself. Or capable of making any girl I want think I am worth more than just a cheap drink.
     
  11. Atompilz

    Atompilz Well-Known Member

    I agree with you about many women wanting to manipulate men (and women since I am a lesbian for many years) but not the nice ones though they are few and far between with both sexes. Though I am not one who has ever tried to change anyone or gain anything onesided but often that does lead to being walked all over hence my decision to stay single ;)

    I think you are not being honest with yourself, I may be wrong, but you say if you were to be yourself it would just be about sex and only wanting a woman for sex and nothing more. I think if that were the case you wouldn't be needing to vent about it. Not sure where you live but through either paying for it or going out where easy girls go out getting sex wouldn't be a problem. But you say about lacking the ability to get a mate, it sounds as though you want more than just sex but maybe you say/think that as a defence mechanism, if you don't expect more you can't be dissappointed when it doesn't happen. If not then live in the UK and go out every friday night and pull one of the many slappers who just want sex without commitment, then everyone is happy :)
     
  12. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    My choice of words is to take away emotional attachment to the words. At least here in the states I get looks of disgust whenever I use words like mate or mating or male or female when I am talking about sex. That is why I choose the words that I choose.

    As for going out and finding easy girls. Just because they are easy doesn't mean that they don't have to be turned on or not turned off. Plus call me arrogant, but I would rather remain sexless than be with someone who is having sex just for sex. I want the female to want to have sex with me. Plus I would rather have a single mate every night of the week over one mate once a week or less. Not that I would have any clue where to begin looking to find and easy girl or a prostitute.

    So I am not allowed to vent because obtaining the sex is not the single most important thing in my life? Just because I am not willing to pay for sex doesn't mean that I have other uses or desires from a female. It just means that unlike some men I can find ways to distract myself out of the mood.
     
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