SO I guess I just need to vent right now. I am hoping that venting will keep me from gasing myself tonight in my garage. because as much as I love my kitty... I am just feeling extra suicidal today. I know it has to do with the holidays. I hate the holidays. Because I have to see my family. I hate that it is terrible. Originally I was doing ok today. Things were going ok. I finally got a break from the recruiters who have been calling me night and day. I got to go skiing for cheap. Then my sister had to invite me a ski trip with her and some guys she is banging. Like I really want to spend the weekend with my sister and some guy. I think that is where it started because it allowed me to think about my justification for why I will never have anyone. So in the spirit of venting I am going to vent out why I am not a worthy mate. It is simple, I am 26. I only managed to get one girl who was so desperate, that if a woman could pass as a man she would have been with her. So I do not count that, even if we were kind of together for 3 years. Nothing official, but whatever. So I do not count her as a successful catch. So I figure by my age. Not having managed to at least cultivate 1 really intense relationship, meaning I am married or thinking about marrying her. Three or Four passing relationships. You know dating a girl for an extended time. Or several random dates and stuff like that. I deem myself unworthy of mating. After all, mating is the human prerogative. All organisms strive to reproduce. So logic would dictate that we inherently know how to attract a mate. Therefore if I do not know how to do that. I am not worthy of mating. After all, there are millions of men and women who have no problem meeting and wooing potential mates. I really think this is the thing. I am fighting one of the few things that is programmed into all organisms. While I stand resolute in my belief. It is still annoying to hear about other people mating. When the topic is brought up it puts my mind on it. When my mind is on it. I have a natural anger reaction. When I have that reaction I get suicidal. When I get suicidal I start making plans. Soon there after those plans can get executed. So I find other outlets for the sake of my cat. However, right now I would like nothing more than to ruin the family giftmas. Again making things hard. My kitty being sick, and not letting me help her has made things even worse. I really hope I can get a job out-of-state. Then I can really execute my recluse plan. Because as long as I am here, I will be bound to socialize. Keep up a persona that I have spent years cultivating. Only once I am free of this cursed place will I be able to become the creepy guy know one knows anything about. Only then will I be able to finally wait for my kitty to die, then follow her shortly there after. Not that I would be discovered anytime soon should I do it tonight. Now I need to pass the time. I just ate a bunch of beef and need to let some of it pass before I start drinking myself stupid.