I just wanted to vent my thoughts and opinions on suicide to see if anyone else feels or thinks the same way I do. Maybe im just a screwed up individual who knows. Anyway I think about suicide everyday and have so for the past 3 years. Most of the time I think about how others would feel if I were to go through with it. I think about how it would change their lives and mostly their initial reaction when someone tells them so and so commited suicide last night. I picture realatives and friends crying and looking for reasons as to why I did it mainly because I have no good reason to kill myself. As I think deeper into it my satisfaction or end to my suffering wouldnt come from dying and going into black nothingness but from maybe becoming a ghost and getting to see how people truly feel without me around. This all seems really selfish to me because not only would ending my life put a lot of people in a state of misery but also because I want to see them in misery over me... That actually sounds really selfish when I write it out like that... So moving right along the only reason ive ever attempted suicide or would want to commit suicide is because of girls. Not because I cant get them... Ive had a few girlfriends, dated atleast 30 women, and slept with 20 or so and im only 22. The thing that gets to me about girls is ive been with so many and never had a great connection to them. The one girl that I love and do feel a connection to (ive known her for 5 years!) doesnt want to date me or get involved and would rather maintain a friendship....You cant always get what you want I guess. There are truly only three things that prevent me from killing myself one of which seems impassable. One....The thought of my parents and the girl I love crying...I just cant do it to them..(Maybe if I was really drunk I could) Two...The thought of what my future might hold...I always think life might get better and I might not feel the same in a year or so..(I get past this by thinking 22 years of misery why not expect a lifetime of it?) And Three...This one is the one I cant get by...The method! Ive tried 3 times already! I tried the 3 most painless and easy ways to go and surrvived them all! I even surrvived <mod edit-gentlelady-methods it was used as an execution method a long time ago but it couldnt kill me!! So now im down to the messy and painfull methods. Ive read alot about them and they scare the hell out of me! It makes me think the best way to prevent yourself from commiting suicide is to Google any method of suicide and read about the bad things that can happen! anyway I was seriously ready to go try a fourth attempt tonight by a fairly painfull method but in the amount of time it took me to write this I feel better and it made me feel better to just write down my thoughts I guess. Maybe some of you feeling even more so depressed then I am should try the same and rather than write about your problems write about how you feel and your deep thoughts on suicide.