venting out

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by isitme87, May 10, 2012.

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  1. isitme87

    isitme87 Member

    hi I just wanted to vent out a little bit.

    So I am university student (not in USA) and since few years I have recurrent suicidal thoughts and feelings. It just comes and goes - I thought I would kill myself last monday but couldn't do it. In the same time I still think everything is all right cos I am going to kill myself anyway so it doesn't matter what I do.

    The thing is am quite shy. At the beginning of my studies I couldn't get to the subway easily. Still I am a bit tense after using it almost every day for a few years already. I never talked to anyone and was awkward if anyone tried to talk with me so I ended up having no friends and feeling like everybody are not showing it but like they were kind of laughing at me, being disgusted by me or sth.

    To more of that adds the group exercises when you do some task with few students and lectures where you are in one class with lots of people. I just can't stand it. I know I am a loser and everybody can easily see that. It's like as I had this written on my head - big word: loser. Then I had problems with studies so I had to talk with dean then talk with teachers as I had to get some classes over and over again. It's a nightmare. Then I started procrastinating everything and it looks like that's why I am so poor (bad) student.

    I hate my life. I hate myself.

    I know I want have never any friends. I am tense to even write something in the internet most of the time. To make things worse I think I might be gay. I was always single, 24 never been on a date nor had any friends. So idk maybe I think I am gay cos I miss having some good male friends, or it's more complex and serious disorder. As long as it's only about watching some erotic (or plainly porno) movies it's ok but I know my parents would hate me if they learned that I was gay.

    It helps me when I cut myself. I also some a lot of cigarettes. I read all this signes saying that this is going to kill me and I just say - yeah? then kill me! I hate myself and I hate my life. I even hate my body.

    Idk - maybe I am crazy - but then it means I am worthless so I should kill myself. I don't want to be considered sick person who can live a succesful life under some supervision. I want to be independent self-standing, worth-something human being. But I doubt I will ever be. Know I am addicted to my parents. They give me money, make all decisions for me and well I am addicted emotionally I guess.

    And all this anti-suicide campaigns ... Do you really want somebody like me to live in your society? I am completely worthless and I should be rather eliminated by means of euthanasia. I think in the future everyone - will it be teenager, adult or older person would have access to euthanasia.

    PS - I wish for the end of the world now :)
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I wish for you to get the supports you need to get out of thta depression to get support you deserve to rid yourself of the anxiety you have. You go talk to the councillors at your school you talk to them and get a therapist to help you ok You are not addicted to your parents you are attached to them because they do care about you and would do anything to help you feel better Ask them to set you up with a specialist that will help you grow independant of them and to be a person of your own hugs
  3. isitme87

    isitme87 Member

    but I am not a crazy person, I am not some loonatic

    I don't really need any 'specialists'

    I am not sick

    Or at least I don't feel like I was unnormal

    I don't want anyone to think of me like this

    I would like rather to die
  4. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    While it is possible that there are crazy and lunatic type people in the world, someone who suffers from depression is not a lunatic and they are not crazy. Depression involves an imbalance of chemicals in the body. This is sometimes caused by genetics, and other times it comes on as the result of something else - trauma, loss, sadness, etc.

    I have high blood pressure. The doctors gave me pills to take to lower it. Along with that, I am supposed to eat right, sleep well, and get exercise. I.E., it's not just taking pills for a cure.

    The same is true for someone who is depressed. Seeing a "specialist" is like going to a doctor when you have an infection, or a flu, or when your appendix bursts. It's like getting treatment for high blood pressure, or diabetes, or something similar. Nobody will think badly of you for seeking treatment to a chemical imbalance.

    I will work hard in regard to "anti suicide" until the day I die (of natural causes) because life is that important for us all.
  5. isitme87

    isitme87 Member

    idk why but it sounds like everything I say was irrelevant when someone suggests me visiting counsellor, psychologist or even psychiatrist. Idk I feel like the person was saying that I do not have any right to say anything cos what I feel, think is not real - cos I am 'crazy' and it's like I sometimes feel like people tend to write as they were writting to their imagine 'depression' than the real person. And I am quite real. And still quite alife.

    Idk I am too afraid

    I hate myself so much and I am in fact so afraid of life, of people and above those - about being labelled as crazy or weak person.
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