venting....poss trigger

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by among the stars, May 15, 2008.

  1. among the stars

    among the stars Well-Known Member

    Some of this i have not told anyone but is stuff that i have been thinking bout non-stop since she died.

    I was with my mom during her whole struggle against ovarian cancer. 8.5 years of hell, pain, and sadness. Mom had every chemo possible for her kind of cancer -- we thought she had beaten it 2 years ago but it came back. Jan 2007 was the beginning of the end we (my sister and myself) ended up all 911 cuz mom was so sick we were scared that she was going to die (that also was the beginning of my panic attacks) we found out later that she had an infection in her blood -- a week and a hald later she was home and improving for a while but things suddenly started to spirl downwards -- 6 months later she was in a hospital bed (but she was at home) we had hospice and VNA in taking care of her as well as a minister coming to speak with her (i hated that so much) -- i didnt know until 2 months before she died that she was dying....she kept hoping and praying that god would save her as were the rest of the family (my g-parents and my sister) but as things got worse - mom started to change -- she never complained but i knew certian things hurt her, we had to feed her cuz she could no longer use her hands -- that soon turned into only liquids cuz she wasnt able to chew.

    I dont know for sure but i think it was one of the last days that she could talk she asked me to stay in the room with her, i didnt want to but went in. Later she asked me if i would sing "her favorite song" (on Eagle's Wings) even tho it was just me and her i couldnt do it, i couldnt sing with someone watching me - she asked me again and I said no. I stayed a little longer til she fell asleep then left - which i feel bad about then cuz she wanted me w/ her but i left her alone. After that she couldnt talk and i could bring myself to sing the song -- it hurt i was angry at god because he was slowly, painfully taking my mom away from me -- i didnt want to sing the song of hope and strength from god....i couldnt. Mom turned into a vegetable -- i didnt hear her voice after that day -- i feel guilty to this day that i couldnt sing to her.

    As the days went by i would look out of a window and see the world going on as usual but then i would turn around a see nothing but sadness. I wanted so badly to get out of the house or for her to die -- i prayed everyday to have god take her away cuz i could watch her pain and suffering anymore, i think one of the worst things was that she didnt know that we were there -- she was on so much morphine for the pain and just so she could stay comfratable -- it was like she was looking rite thru us.

    I dont know how long it was after that a VNA nurse came in to take care of mom -- she did the usual things but that day was different -- i was in another room on the other side of the house when i heard "No, Please stop" "No" "No" it was my mom - those were the first and only words she said in almost a month - those painful words in the agony filled voice made me snap i could listen i fled the house -- later the nurse came out and said to me "u kno ur mom's gonna die in a couple of days" I got angry at her, pushed her away and screamed "ur lying" -- after she left i just sat down and tried to deal with what i was just told - but i couldnt i just pushed it away - however after that day i lost faith in god -- I didnt want to believe that god would put someone thru this much pain/sorrow/agony/and death.

    That Saturday nite (June 23 also my moms 57th birthday) was different she had struggled to breath all day. I went to work and bout 2pm i sat down in the front of the barn just cuz i had a really bad feeling, i dont know how long i sat there -- later that nite we were giving my mom morphine to slow her breathing cuz it was way too fast - my grandpa was on the phone w/ a vna nurse who was on her way to our house. when my sis ran in and said her breathing is slowing down - my grandpa went in - she died "holding" her dads hand. But she really couldnt hold it cuz she was basically a vegetable. i didn't know she was gone til he shut her door we hadn't done before - cuz we didn't leave her alone. i just erupted w/ emotion - i didnt stop that nite or the next day - then i pushed everything away -- till now. i held everything in for the first 6 months after her death now all the pain, agony, and anger are coming out in full force and i cant stop the feelings or the things that are happening.

    Now that June 23 is approaching im scared that something is going to happen (good or bad idk). I kno none of what ive been doing these past months has been very safe or good for my health but i could deal (SI, mixed ODs, attemped suicides) I kno mom wouldnt want that of me -- ive finally gotten to a point where i will sing again and will forgive god but i will never ever forget.

    Was that too much, maybe i shouldnt have dumped but once i started i couldnt stop.
  2. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    Hey there,

    Don't worry about it being 'too much' or not. I don't think it can ever be too much if it comes to typing up what's on your mind. :hug:

    Secondly I'd like to say that I don't think you need to feel guilty about not singing that song that day. In fact you shouldn't. You see, it was hard for you too and I'm sure she knew that. You couldn't do what she asked, because it was too hard for you. And I'm sure she was very happy to hear you sing it later on. :hug:

    I'm terribly sorry about your loss, nobody deserves to endure such a loss, especially not like that :sad:
    A lot of people are in 'denial' at first, after the death of a beloved one. Ostrich policy, or just pushing it away, not thinking about it, not feeling is a very common thing in the grieving process.

    As for June 23rd. Do you have a 'ritual' in mind? Like is there a place you and your mum used to go to together, or a place she liked? Perhaps you could go there and lay down a rose for her, or write something and burn that at that place? Or you could go see her grave and 'talk' to her there?

    If you ever want to talk about it, feel free to drop me an email (info is in my profile).