venting *possible trigger*

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by forever_scarred, Apr 23, 2010.

  1. forever_scarred

    forever_scarred Well-Known Member

    people always talk about what friends or family really mean but it means nothing when they are too blind or uncaring to see whats in front of them. funny how one creature, one beautiful animal can see what ten thousand peple cannot. in the eyes of a horse judgements: who you hang out with, what you look like, wether your a loner or not doesnt matter. to a horse you trust them, respect and believe in them and in return sure you get all those things but the one thing that you would never find in those 10 thousand people...unconditional love, respect for who you really are, not what you are made out to be, freedom to leave everything behind, a bond between you and a horse that can change
    your life. Deck did just that, if it weren't for him i wouldn't be here. he was there when i needed him the most, when others turned their back, he could have done the same but he stood by me through the pain and tears and abandonment.

    Many people have lost people they love..parents, sisters/brothers, friends etc but somehow i don't connect with these people, i feel their pain and i hear their tears and yet it doesn't comfort. i still feel the throbbing pain in my heart and in my soul. they say that "your not alone others feel the same way" and yet it doesn't help. living with grandparents who don't see and don't understand how badly i hurt. they are over the grief, they can talk about her without crying or feeling like the world is coming to an end all over again. i very clearly see the day/night mom died. i was here at the barn knowing something was wrong but afraid to find out. i stayed with deck for a long time that day, no one knew that my mom was dying but he understood. he looked at me as if to say "its ok i'm here." i remember going home and that night hearing her struggle to breathe. the next Saturday i was at the barn once again just stroking deck's neck fighting back the tears. he stood there just looking at me, even tho he had hay directly in front of him. from behind i heard "leave him alone, let him eat" i fled outside and let go was so angry and hurt. i went back to him some time later crying into his shoulder, he understood. out of all the people in the barn none really understood the pain, they said they did but not really. after time the anger faded away it took a long time but he was there every step of the way. i made a lot of bad decisions since then, really bad ones that could have destroyed me and in a way some of them did - got me kicked outta school, friends walked away, self harmed and attempted suicide but through all that there was deck, not every horse would let you cry on them for hours at a time but he did...