venting sadness

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by parliamentlights, Oct 6, 2012.

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  1. my life isn't going anywhere and I'm stuck in a shitty job I'm not suited for. I'm fortunate to have permanent full time work but it's emotionally draining and I can't seem to go a day without pissing someone off. I'm stuck since I've only worked there a few months and my work history isn't impressive. (not bad, just full of low level temporary type jobs and even though I have a degree it's worthless...) also I wouldn't pass a drug test... I'm tired of going home knowing I pissed some manager off for making one fucking mistake, everyday. I also work six days a week so it's hard to have a life outside of it.

    basically my work problems compound my general feelings of failure. I don't have very many hobbies other than reading about news and politics online, I hate trying new things because I hate feeling like a fuckup, my boyfriend says there are no people who try new things and get them right the first time, but I've known many talented people and I'm jealous of their gifts. (and yes, I HAVE seen them pick up new hobbies and just ace them...) also if you can't become a pro at something why bother. Well, because it makes you feel good right? but what if you just want to be good at something, anything, and everything you try just is a chore, and you'll just be mediocre no matter how much effort. speaking of which, I can't confide in my boyfriend right now, he has just lost a bunch of family this year and is just now finally coming out of grief. It would upset him a lot if he knew I was suicidal again. I cut out a bunch of friends this year as we grew apart and they were dragging me down emotionally. That actually cheered me up a lot, but there's no one to replace them. The only people at work who really want to be friends outside of the office unfortunately happen to be very shallow. nor do we actually have much in common. :( just as well though? I'm an introvert, and my job requires me to pretend to be an extrovert. No real desire to be social in my spare time, but it would be nice to know someone with some stuff in common.

    Today was rough, I got a bunch of people angry at me at work and on the way home I realized I forgot to do something so there's at least two pissed people to deal with tomorrow. I also physically felt ill (dunno if it's psychological or not, but one of the reasons I messed up today), so I tried to just go to sleep, and I slept for a bit but I woke up feeling worse, feeling like this will be everyday for the rest of my life, until chance kills me. I wish I could at least disappear and not be missed, like a runaway housecat, but they'd notice and try to find me. I wish I could just sneak away, kill myself in a way my body won't be found, a neat and tidy job, but i'm not that clever. I wake up wishing I had terminal cancer or some other disease so I could have an excuse to kill myself (or at least quit my job and blow my meagre savings partying and being reckless) but I just get crappy aches and pains that don't mean anything, that just make me feel worse.

    so what if I "have my whole life ahead of me" if I have nothing to live for? I used to ask my old friends what I had going for me, what I was good at/for, but they couldn't answer, because there isn't anything.
     
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and so sorry you feel this way....we all forget things, in fact I am the Queen of poor brain cells...about not being able to do anything well...there are things I like to do that I am just awful at (e.g. painting) but I dont care because I like it...what if you changed the narrative to trying new things instead of being good at things, so that you feel like you can succeed? Sometimes, a change in perspective does really help...hope you are feeling better
     
  3. thanks, I feel a bit better having gotten that out of my system.

    the things that I have managed to enjoy are completely non-competitive, i.e. cooking. I do like to cook new dishes to eat, unfortunately I can't do that as often as I'd like due to expense (I have to eat pasta and other cheap food most days) and it's hard for me to get groceries in my spare time, since I don't live near a store and I don't drive. sometimes when I'm really depressed I just don't eat.

    one thing that also trips me up when I'm in a better mood (so not just making up depressed excuses) is investing my time off wisely, since I don't have much of it (working, commuting) so I want to really like to do things if I'm going to do it. It's hard for me to really enjoy something if I don't have the time to really grasp it. (not even be good at it, just developing basic skills, since I'm a slow learner) I also have a problem with the "now what" question. When I was a teenager, I used to write stories, and then what? I'd have a story no one would care about. so I'd just throw them away.

    Also it's really hard for me to focus on things. I used to read a lot of books but now I can't even get 20 pages into one without putting it down and staring out the window, or needing to get up and walk around. Strangely enough, I was a great student in college, even when I was at my worst emotionally. If I HAD to read a whole book about like economics in one night, I could do it. But I can't even read freaking harry potter now...
     
  4. MisterBGone

    MisterBGone Well-Known Member

    Hmm... You sound pretty multi-talented to me: you've got full time employment (even though it's stressful), a steady boyfriend, and have the ability to cook! I can't fix anything more advanced than scrambled eggs... I have only part time employment, and today I saw three great looking girls who all had one thing in common--they'd never give me hint of a chance... I think that if writing is something you used to like to do, then by all means pick it up again & give it a go! You don't have to worry about penning a magnificent novel--heck, you could even just journal (I actually find that to be surprisingly therapeutic). As for work, just do the best you can and try not to worry about what you cannot control, such as their opinion of you. Focus on you. Forget (or don't care so much about) them. Talk to your boyfriend, or someone else close to you that you can trust, another friend or family member perhaps? Again, to me anyway, it sounds like you're doing great (even if we both still feel much the same way!).
     
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You are intelligent y ou write with such ease. I have problems sometimes with that. I know depression and it hits everyone at one time or another are you getting treatment for yours. Sounds like you need some support and a therapist could help you change the way you look at life help you find another path. You are looking at all the negative things not the positves hun I am glad you are able to vent here i hope you continue to reach out here because sometimes that is all that one needs is to know they are being heard and understood hugs to you.
     
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