my life isn't going anywhere and I'm stuck in a shitty job I'm not suited for. I'm fortunate to have permanent full time work but it's emotionally draining and I can't seem to go a day without pissing someone off. I'm stuck since I've only worked there a few months and my work history isn't impressive. (not bad, just full of low level temporary type jobs and even though I have a degree it's worthless...) also I wouldn't pass a drug test... I'm tired of going home knowing I pissed some manager off for making one fucking mistake, everyday. I also work six days a week so it's hard to have a life outside of it. basically my work problems compound my general feelings of failure. I don't have very many hobbies other than reading about news and politics online, I hate trying new things because I hate feeling like a fuckup, my boyfriend says there are no people who try new things and get them right the first time, but I've known many talented people and I'm jealous of their gifts. (and yes, I HAVE seen them pick up new hobbies and just ace them...) also if you can't become a pro at something why bother. Well, because it makes you feel good right? but what if you just want to be good at something, anything, and everything you try just is a chore, and you'll just be mediocre no matter how much effort. speaking of which, I can't confide in my boyfriend right now, he has just lost a bunch of family this year and is just now finally coming out of grief. It would upset him a lot if he knew I was suicidal again. I cut out a bunch of friends this year as we grew apart and they were dragging me down emotionally. That actually cheered me up a lot, but there's no one to replace them. The only people at work who really want to be friends outside of the office unfortunately happen to be very shallow. nor do we actually have much in common. just as well though? I'm an introvert, and my job requires me to pretend to be an extrovert. No real desire to be social in my spare time, but it would be nice to know someone with some stuff in common. Today was rough, I got a bunch of people angry at me at work and on the way home I realized I forgot to do something so there's at least two pissed people to deal with tomorrow. I also physically felt ill (dunno if it's psychological or not, but one of the reasons I messed up today), so I tried to just go to sleep, and I slept for a bit but I woke up feeling worse, feeling like this will be everyday for the rest of my life, until chance kills me. I wish I could at least disappear and not be missed, like a runaway housecat, but they'd notice and try to find me. I wish I could just sneak away, kill myself in a way my body won't be found, a neat and tidy job, but i'm not that clever. I wake up wishing I had terminal cancer or some other disease so I could have an excuse to kill myself (or at least quit my job and blow my meagre savings partying and being reckless) but I just get crappy aches and pains that don't mean anything, that just make me feel worse. so what if I "have my whole life ahead of me" if I have nothing to live for? I used to ask my old friends what I had going for me, what I was good at/for, but they couldn't answer, because there isn't anything.