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Venting Wall Of Text

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by What, Jun 20, 2015.

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  1. What

    What Active Member

    I had been secretly planning but then my mother told me out of nowhere that she would pay for psychiatric treatment for me no matter what it costs. I couldn't have afforded it myself and then her offer threw a wrench into my whole thought process. She was the last person in my life that I really ever talk to since I have no job and no friends, but I had felt sure that she was waiting for me to finally off myself already. But now I feel like a real ass. I can't really convince myself that she wouldn't care or would even be happy if I offed myself since she kept insisting at different times that she wants to pay for me to see a psychiatrist and get help even if it's thousands of dollars in the end. So I agreed to go and had the first appointment. The psychiatrist thinks I have bipolar disorder and that that is why I am the way I am and why my life is a huge wreck. She wants to put me on medication like an antipsychotic, but first she sent me off to get blood work at the lab and I am supposed to see her again in a bit less than two weeks to get started. I feel really impatient and tired and really agitated all at the same time. I've decided that for now taking an antipsychotic will be my suicide. I read a bunch of reviews and a lot of people say the drugs make you sleep all the time and feel like a zombie. It sounds like dying without dying to me. So for now I am willing to make that compromise. If the drugs make me feel nothing like a zombie like what other people say in the reviews then I can handle that if I don't care about anything. If they basically euthanize my mind, and then my body can stay alive so my mother won't be upset. But the appointment just to discuss which medication is not until the beginning of July. I feel so pissed off and exhausted just waiting for this. I can't sleep hardly at all and feel crazy. Apparently I have "dysphoric mania". I just want my brain to shut the hell up and I want to be numb I just want this entire train wreck to be done because I am done. Sitting outside smoking cigarettes and laughing and crying at the same time like a crazy person. My whole life feels like a massive joke. Nothing but one terrible thing after another while I can't even take care of myself. I'm the sort of person who is apparently strong enough to survive a childhood of severe abuse while protecting my younger sibling but not strong enough to hold down a job for more than a few months before going off the deep end. It's like I can only perform well with the worst shit possible in life but then something as ordinary as just taking a damned shower every day and doing data entry is like trying to perform in the olympics. I feel like I can hardly even breathe. I made it all this way somehow and considering some things I'm not even sure how I'm still alive. And now I have to wait 10 more days to commit mental suicide with some antipsychotic drugs. Made it over 25 years and now 10 days feels like 25 years. Istg
  2. cymbele

    cymbele SF Supporter

    I'm bipolar too and the medication has not made me zombie like. I have antipsychotic meds. I am an engineer so mental acuity is very important to me but I have not noticed any disfunction. I did not notice anything in the beginning - it has been many years that I have been on the meds. They make me calmer (no more racing thoughts) and the antidepressents keep me from being suicidal though those don't work.

    Don't worry if you get zombie like have your mom call the doctor.
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