venting

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by among the stars, Dec 22, 2013.

  1. among the stars

    among the stars Well-Known Member

    you all wanted me to vent so here... is this enough :rant: :mad2:

    Someday all these ppl... all the people I care about are going to be gone in one way or another, sooner or later... I wish i could just stop world so I could get off because I don't want to be around when that day comes... I really don't. If I can’t even deal with my own mother's death, Diana and few others..

    I get so close to doing it so many times. Like tonight, I thought about for maybe a minute or two and then decided not tonight... I suffer in silence still... probably always will.. not that I want it to be this way.. and if there was another way out I would do it but there isn't any more. Mom left me so many memories.. some good that I have a hard time remembering.. but mostly bad.. the months leading up to her death and what she looked like and sounded when she took her last few breaths.. I am never going to forget that no matter how old I get. Whether im 25 or 100.. it’s never going to end. I replay it in my mind at night. still dream about it, still think that if I turn around quick enough that she will be there but she isn't and never will be again. Cancer took mom away and in the process it too my heart away too. Many of you can’t understand that because uve never been there, you've never felt it but u know what you take a minute and think about seeing the person u love the most lying in a hospital bed in your home, with nurses and ministers coming and going telling you everything is going to be ok when they knew it wasn't. To see you mother/person you love hemorrhaging blood by the liter. To have nothing left but skin and bones and to scream out in pain when she hadn't spoken in days. Her eyes glazed over.. eyes that looked straight through you.. paralyzed physically and trapped mentally in a dying body. Think about that for awhile before you try to judge me. Think the next time you say 'oh get over it'. Think about it because that person probably can't. Living with the memories isn't a choice; it’s a curse and disease. You can’t control your own mind when you hurt so badly from that loss and from a grief that you haven't dealt with and cannot 'move on' from. Think before you speak because that loss doesn't just leave u with memories it leave you with a pain that drags you down to the darkest place in your soul. It causes so much pain that you consider ending your own life to make it stop. Don't just shrug the pain off, don't try to ignore it because it doesn't go away.. it never goes away and it eats away at the person until there is nothing left of them. Except for a dark hole in your heart, a constant battle of wills in your mind and a feeling of complete worthlessness....
     
  2. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    Hi Become,

    I too know what its like to watch the person you love die. Yes, granted... my mom's death was not a long and drug out process due to long term illness.... however, I still watched her die. You are right, those images you never forget. I don't think I've ever tried to tell you that you can forget them. You can replace them.... with a lot of work. To do that, you have to pull up some of those old good memories of your mom, and you have to find a way to relate them to the bad memories of her so after enough times of doing so, you can pull up the good memories with minimal thought on the bad. No, you never forget them and it's very hard to replace them. I'm still working on quite a bit of it myself. I have never judged you... I hope you know that, as you seem to indicate you think everyone has. I can understand your anger... and I'm glad you are getting it out. If you ever want to talk, you know how to find me....
     
  3. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    Numb, while not the same exactly.. my brother was in the hospital also.. He had been in and out pretty much since he was born.. he wasn't responsive and everyone was saying he would be ok.. I tried to give him his gameboy to wake him up.. I thought he was going to be ok like he had all those years before.. but it wasn't enough.. Only for that night my parents to send me to care for my other brothers as he died in the hospital.. My aunt had warned me he may not make it.. But I didn't listen to her.. I was angry.. How could she loose hope in him.. But I do know what its like to see someone you love suffer and die.. Im not saying this as a comparison, but just to say I can relate to your feelings.. I never feel like anyone understands.. Be it about my brother or not... I think it's hard for anyone to wrap their head around something they have never experienced.. Just want to let you know, you dont have to be silent with me. Though thru my own experience it seems being silent sometimes is better, because at least for me, then I'm not getting a ton of questions or people telling me to as you said "get over it" or to think of something else. I think we all need to just cry now and then and let our emotions be what they are and not try to change them or tell ourselves that what we are feeling is wrong.