Venting?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Osric, Apr 30, 2014.

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  1. Osric

    Osric New Member

    When I was 20 I thought I did something very bad, but now my family says it never happened. When I was 22 I started to hear my family, friends, and coworkers saying accusing things as well as other negative things. When I asked if they said it, they would deny it, but it seems so real even to this day. I tried to kill myself and ended up in the hospital, and because of that they put me on psyche medication. I even turned myself into the police for what I thought I did wrong, but nothing came of it. I wanted to go to jail so the prisoners could do the job for me. For 6 years, I'm 28 now, I lived my life as a zombie it feels like and I still hear my family and friends degrading me and saying I deserve to die and go to jail for what I've done. The meds never helped, I just tolerate what I hear. I'm off the meds now, and I feel more active, but I will never be normal again it feels like. Perhaps this is their way to make me suffer for the rest of my life and punishment for all the bad things I've done in my life.

    I'm not a very smart person, I've been overweight for about 5 years now, and I think the meds fried my brain, because the easiest things that I used to do seem so hard now. I haven't worked in 6 years, and I feel like a total loser. I want to get out and do something with my life, but it feels like no one will let me have confidence in myself or anything good in my life. I want a girlfriend, but I'm scared my family and friends will get her in on whatever they are doing to me. I probably don't deserve anything, I probably deserve to die, but I don't have the strength in me to do it. I can barely function these days and it is frustrating. I try to cope with life by being empty and numb, but then everyone complains at me for being that way. It feels like I can't win no matter what I do. After all, at this point I'm just here to provide for my mother and sister, but it feels like there is something sinister going on and I can't figure it out.

    When I was 22 I thought I was being drugged and sexually violated while I slept, and I woke up a few times and experienced many strange things to make me think that. I was very in shape back then and it pains me to see my body the way it is now. I can't function enough to get back my body. All I do is eat, sleep, play on the computer, and pretend everything is okay. I just wanna live a normal life and get back on my feet, but it seems life everything is working against me. I've had to start over from scratch and every time I try get somewhere I fail.

    I live with my mother and sister, I haven't had a girlfriend in 6 years, and even then that wasn't a real relationship. None of my friends hang out with me. My family doesn't bother with me and the only reason my mother and sister pretend to bother with me is because I live with them and provide for them with my disability check.

    I sorta have a relationship with a girl online who says she is from Sweden, I met her on a game called Neverwinter Nights. She says she wants to be with me and we used to talk almost every day. But now we talk very rarely and it seems like she doesn't bother with me ever since she met my sister on facebook. I'm very lonely and want someone to be there with me, to enjoy life with me and to help me with life. I want romance and intimacy just like everyone else as well, but it feels like I will never have anything good in life except for minor things to keep me amused. I just want to experience the good things in life but can't.

    I'm so shut down emotionally that I can't trust anything and I'm starting not to feel anything. I have to fake emotions now so I don't get locked up in a mental ward or something. I'm always tired because of the strain on my mind. It is so hard to focus and learn new things now. I can't remember a lot of things anymore either. My mind used to be so sharp too. I'm just a broken shell of what I used to be. I don't want to feel anymore, which is why I want to die. I'm afraid I might hurt someone eventually when I lose all my humanity someday. I've always had issues, but now my mind is so far gone.

    I don't want to live in a mental institution either, to me that is far worse than death, which is why I do my best to play along and be as sane as I can be. I think if I had an actual girlfriend, or even a best friend who actually bothered with me on a regular basis and did things with me, I would be set. Instead I sit here at home struggling to get through life on my own with little to no help from my mother and sister. In fact, most of my money goes just to keep us alive and support us. In the past I would even have to support my mother's pain pill addiction.

    It just feels like I'm too far gone and there is no hope for me to do anything with my life or experience any of the things that make life worth living. If I am being punished or prepared for something, I just want it to end, or end it myself. Maybe my mother and sister are just trying to keep my in a state of mind where I can't function, I don't know anymore. When it warms up enough I'm thinking of buying some gear to help me live on the streets so I can get away from it all and try to get out of this. I'm tired of being stuck. I almost want everyone else to suffer as much as they make me suffer, but I'm too gentle and kind of a person for that. I don't wanna hurt anyone.
     
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I just want to say hi, and welcome to the forum. I wish I had some answers, something I could say that would help you. But I want you to know I read your post; I'm listening and here if you feel like talking.
     
  3. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    Welcome to SF. I am sorry so many things are so difficult right now. I think it is important to try to look at your issues one at a time - decide which ones you have some control over and which you do not, then work on one at a time so it does not seem so overwhelming. I am glad you found us here.
     
  4. Cooki

    Cooki Well-Known Member

    Hey :) I've been told to move away from my family when I'm old enough by a lot of people that know my problems. I think that would be a solution for some problems related to family.
     
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