Venting.

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by angell, Mar 3, 2015.

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  1. angell

    angell Member

    There are no triggering descriptions but there are some possible triggering words and phrases. Nevertheless, I need to get this out. Okay, reading through this - I'm all over the place...but that's in keeping with my state of mind at the moment so...

    Background: Last year I got diagnosed with a auto-immune disease. As it is muscular, I can't exert myself, exercise etc., but how it will affect me is still confusing. My doctors tell me that it affects everyone differently and all they can tell me is not to push myself. So I sat down, got plenty of rest and did nothing...except fall into a depressive chasm that I didn't know was there. For almost a year and a half I was convinced that this was the disease or side effects of the meds that caused this complete lack of energy. Following my doctors advice, I inadvertently nurtured this growing depression.

    In addition to the autoimmune disease, I have chronic kidney disease, severe sleep apnea, COPD, heart disease (three heart attacks), high blood pressure, chronic fatigue syndrome, fibromyalgia, neuropathy, PTSD and this major depressive episode. Truth be told, I've been fighting the depression since 2007 when my wife was raped and suffered my first heart attack days later.

    My wife has tried to support us, but she has no workplace skills. We now bring in less per month than it costs us to keep a roof over our head - and we've been doing this for eighteen months while I await social security disability. She is now working part time (15 hours a week) and going to school full time to develop the skills she needs to provide for us. Then we learned that if you are going to school, you must work twenty hours a week to qualify for food stamps so we lost those too.

    So... you probably need to know this to make good sense out of it: My wife was imprisoned at 15 years old. She was given life without the possibility of parole. We got that overturned in 1988 and she came home to me after 24 years in December 2011. Which yeah, means she was raped by a guard in prison. I spent four years having to ask her rapist every week if I could see her in visiting. She is home now and on parole for life. It's stressful by itself. i.e. My doctor wrote a letter to the Dept. of Corrections asking for permission on our behalf to move to a better climate for my disease. I'm looking at approximately two more years of life here - twenty in a good climate. They suggest that I move - but she won't be allowed to come with me.

    The stress and pressure - along with watching me deteriorate, she has dropped into a serious depression as well. I spent three days in the hospital last week and I came home to my wife covered in track marks. She passed out after three days of no sleep. Any help I get her shines light on the problem and alerts her parole officer. She's looking at life without the possibility of parole for this violation... or she dies. I do not see life without her.

    Then there's this: Four years ago I lived and worked with a person who I considered a very good friend, second only to my wife. We had worked together and even lived together at one point – the only time I voluntarily took on a roommate. Then my eighteen year old daughter came to me and told me that he molested her while he thought she was sleeping.

    She asked me not to seek to press charges. I worked through her feelings with her – she was the priority, and cut off all ties with him. Fortunately, we were not roommates at the time but we did live in adjacent houses on the same piece of property. She didn't want him to know that she told me and while I objected, I honored her wishes. She didn't have to come to me and tell me at all, so I didn't want to break her trust.

    My daughter went off to college and I was going to move. Before I did – with her out of state and me about to be, I finally answered his questions as to why we were no longer friends and I wanted nothing to do with him. I know that he valued the friendship tremendously, regardless of his actions, and I took some pleasure in knowing that the loss of friendship without explanation hurt him. He didn't put it together because she waited six months before she told me.

    Truth is, I knew that he was a sex addict. The signs were there but it was always with adults and willing partners. It never occurred to me that something like this could happen. That oversight caused my daughter pain. Though I was beside myself with anger and I nurtured that anger and resentment out of loyalty to my daughter. Fast forward a few years...November 2014...

    We are not punished for our anger, we are punished BY our anger. Right. What lesson do I want to give my daughter here? It became time to clean up my side of the street. The anger was perhaps his fault, but the hanging on to it and using it to hurt someone back was my part. I know addiction...I was addicted to drugs and hurt many people. He's sick.

    The issue can be food, overspending, drugs, sex, body image, money, etc. We believe that if this issue is resolved, our suffering ends but it is a lie. We could all trade our distractions with each other and be in exactly the same place as we are now. Until we step outside the karmic loop it's all the same. I know this. It was time to make a call. I called a few folks and got his number. I called him and apologized for my trying to hurt him back.

    He cried for a long time. He apologized profusely. He had begged me to believe that the loss of our friendship was devastating enough to have been the impetus for change. Then he asked if he could fly up and see me and apologize face to face, thank me and give me a hug. I agreed. A week later he arrived. While here, he bought the house next door. Then he went home, packed up everything and moved – arriving last month.

    I did not want this. Forgiving someone is one thing. Reigniting a friendship is not something I want. But I tried. He wanted to remodel the house and gave my wife and I the opportunity to help him in return for some badly needed money. I allowed him to pay us in advance as our financial situation was dire. Then it began.

    I'm lazy. I don't work hard enough. I don't come over to hang out. Last week he threw me out of his house. My wife continued to work off our debt as we had no way to repay the money. He began drinking with her. I landed in the hospital last week. He has badmouthed me incessantly to her and invited her to spend the night over and over again... she picked up meth.

    As I've said before, if she is caught by her parole officer, she is gone forever back to prison. If she is not caught, she dies. Or she can quit before she is caught. She uses like I used...quitting is unlikely but she's on day five right now.

    Then my mother died this morning. It was completely unexpected.
     
  2. deb22

    deb22 Well-Known Member

    Those are some devastating situations angell. I think you need to break things down into small digestible crisis. Sorry for the loss of your mom, that alone is enough to send someone to these boards. I know you listed this as venting but I just wanted you to know someone had read through your post and is sending you my best wishes with all you have been through and are still having to go though. Just a thought but maybe your doctor can send you to someone to talk and help you at least organize your next move, with your physical and mental well being in jeopardy it could not hurt to get some help for yourself in such a horrible situations.
    "stay strong" sounds stupid given the circumstance but I do wish you strength in the coming days and weeks.

    Take care...
     
  3. angell

    angell Member

    Deb, I had checked back repeatedly which should have been my first clue...but I didn't realize how badly I had wanted to know that someone had read through it and was sending warm wishes to my corner. I needed that. Thank you.
     
  4. deb22

    deb22 Well-Known Member

    Your welcome angell, Keep posting whenever you feel the need. Support is always here somewhere and I know it's not easy to "bleed" in front of strangers but I have found that many people are at least willing to listen and offer support or advice which makes us not feel so alone in our particular situations.

    Take care my friend...deb
     
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