venting

[Malcontent]

I need to get some things out.

I'm not gonna say that no one cares about me, I know that people do. I never remember to thank anybody for it though, so thank you. I quite possibly don't know that you care, but thank you nonetheless. Despite that, I'm feeling more and more isolated and different from every person I come into contact with. I'm so tired of the petty nastiness (not specifically on here but everywhere). I'm definitly no angel, I've done some pretty shitty things and I can be just as cowardly and pathetic and idiotic as anyone. But I'm not deliberately mean just for the sake of it, and that seems to have become perfectly acceptable behaviour. In fact, you're seen as weak if you don't do that. I'm tired of feeling like I'm not understood as well. I really do appriciate it when anyone takes the time to read or respond to my posts, but after spending hours trying to express exactly how I'm feeling without exaggeration or trying to get attention by threatening to harm myself it hurts to either be ignored or belittled or made fun of behind my back. I just wish I knew why I'm never considered to be worth the effort. Everybody I thought I could trust always leaves and then later on I find out they were never honest with me anyway, have even stolen off me. It's not hard to see why I don't trust anyone anymore, and more and more I keep my thoughts inside. There's a lot that I hold inside because there's no point in saying it. I just wish I could find one person who I could rely on.

 

[Jenny]

Hi Mal,

I'm glad that you felt able to get some things out here. Sounds like while you're aware that people care about you, it's difficult for you to feel and believe it and as a result you feel more and more isolated from people.

Feeling not understood or not heard is very painful and it sounds like you put a lot of energy in to your words in order to make sure you're being truthful and not exaggerating. It's ok to say whatever you need to say - your feelings and thoughts are important and i for one would never belittle you or make fun of you. I hear it's difficult to trust people and how painful and lonely that feels. I'm aware of your need to be understood and I am hoping this reply isn't totally off track.

Take good care and keep writing if it helps. I am listening
Jenny x

 

[Malcontent]

Thanks Jenny, you're not totally off track you're spot on actually. Thank you.

Something happened today that has convinced me that I need to die. For some reason people think that it's ok to shout at me and make fun of me in the street. Obviously I'm a freak and don't have feelings. I finally had enough and stood up for myself and I get a group of guys all much bigger than me threatening to punch me flat. I walked away like a coward and they just laughed at me more. I don't even have someone to come home to and talk about my shit day with, no one just to hug when I hate myself and maybe make me feel a little better. I'm pathetic and ugly and worthless, and that'll never change. It's not like I haven't tried, I'm trying to fight these thoughts. How many times do I have to try and fail before I give up though. I should've died a long time ago I just don't have the guts to do it.

 

[Jenny]

I'm intrigued why you think walking away from a bunch of lads who are much bigger than you, makes you a coward? To me that's common sense and makes you a bigger person than they'll ever be put together. You have enough to contend with with your own punishing thoughts of self hatred, you dont deserve to add to your self loathing by allowing the opinions of small minded people like these lads to get to you (easier said than done, i know). I wonder whether you're feeling angry? Angry at these lads, and instead of directing the anger towards them you internalise it and turn it inwards in to negative, self harming thoughts?

It sounds really lonely not having anyone to come home to and tell about your day. I'm glad that you were able to share it with us here. I am listening and i do care

Jenny x

 

[Malcontent]

Logically I know you're right that walking away was the right thing to do, but I still feel like I should've defended myself. I could've, but I know I wouldn't have stopped without seriously hurting one of them. It seems like if someone walks away from confrontation then they are weak and pathetic. I don't think that, but it feels like the vast majority of people do. It shouldn't matter what other people think but the sad fact is that it does. So the only options I can see are either I become a violent uncaring arsehole, or I accept that I'm a pathetic worm who doesn't deserve happiness (or become a complete hermit and live alone in the woods and not wash, that could be fun actually). I just feel like I don't matter to anyone, so why should I even care. I don't want to crack and do something I'll really regret but I'm pretty sure I eventually will.

 

[Jenny]

In your reality it seems that no matter what you do you will never be an ok person. If you walk away from a fight you're weak. If you walk in to the fight you're an uncaring violent arsehole.

If someone else was saying these things about them, i wonder how you'd react or feel? Mal, you're a good person.. you don't deserve such uncaring words :hug:

 

[Malcontent]

In your reality it seems that no matter what you do you will never be an ok person.

Spot on. But to be honest that's what I've been told and how I've been made to feel over and over again, so now I just believe it. Maybe I can finally become something only once I've accepted that I'm nothing. That's not to say I blame anyone but myself for my feelings, I should just suck it up and get on with things. And yet at the same time I should open up more about how I'm feeling. It's all so fucking contradictory and my head feels like it's gonna explode with trying to figure it all out. And yet from what I can see most people seem to be able to figure it out just fine, so it must be me that's in the wrong. And if I'm wrong about such fundamental aspects of human interaction, how can anything I do be ok.

 

[Jenny]

I hear it all feels contradictory with whether you should or should not talk about your feelings or just get on with it.. and i guess only you truly know what you'd be happier with. It sounds like a lonely place if you decide to not talk to anyone about your feelings. I wonder how true it is that other people seem to be able to get on with it ok - in my personal opinion, everyone has issues to some degree or another. Not all are as self aware as you but that doesn't make you a bad person, it just makes you self aware. Try not to use your self awareness to beat yourself up with, you have enough to contend with without adding to your self hatred. :hug:

 

[Malcontent]

To be honest I wish I could stop myself from thinking, I wish I couldn't figure out people's motives so easily. Life is so pointless when most of the time you can guess what people are gonna do before they do it and yet still feel so alienated from everything. Either most people are shits or I bring that out in them, neither brings any hope. I just don't want to think anymore. I need it all to stop but it never does.

 

[Jenny]

Is there any chance that you don't actually know what people are thinking but maybe you're projecting what you think they are thinking on to them!? For example someone can be so adamant that everyone is going to abandon them that they (unconsciously) do things that end up with them being and feeling abandoned. I wonder truly whether you know what people are going to do before they do it, or whether you're looking for certain things/behaviours in people that will reinforce your beliefs about yourself?

 

[gentlelady]

I am sending you hugs, Mal, even if that is not what you feel you need right now. So often we perceive differently than things actually are because of our mindset. i cannot say this is what is happeneing to you, but i can't help but wonder. You are in my thoughts, Mal. :hug:

 

[Malcontent]

Is there any chance that you don't actually know what people are thinking but maybe you're projecting what you think they are thinking on to them!? For example someone can be so adamant that everyone is going to abandon them that they (unconsciously) do things that end up with them being and feeling abandoned. I wonder truly whether you know what people are going to do before they do it, or whether you're looking for certain things/behaviours in people that will reinforce your beliefs about yourself?

I thought that for years and years but it's not actually correct. I can figure things out about people and guess what they're thinking or going to do more accurately when what those people do/think is nothing about me. I'm just quite good at picking up on the little signals that people give off. My self hatred is really a seperate issue, but never being surprised by anything that anyone else says or does makes me hate life because it renders everything so utterly pointless.

 

[Jenny]

I've met you Mal so I'm wondering what your views are about how I feel about you and how I'm going to treat you?

 

[Terry]

Mally, this is depression and loneliness talking :hug:
you know where my pm box is..and my skype and msn :hug: