Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Sam3039, Nov 8, 2011.

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  1. Sam3039

    Sam3039 Member

    Hi, I'm Sam.
    So who am I and why am I writing on this forum? Well I'm 24 years old, I'm a doctor in the Royal Navy and I've just returned to England after spending six months in Afghanistan. I have also been suffering from depression for years, it started in my early teens in fact, although it's difficult to be sure if it really was clinical depression. But now, although I am no mental health expert, I can clearly see all, if not most of the symptoms of depression. It has grown steadily worse over the years, but even more so over the last three or four; what's more I am regularly thinking of suicide.

    So why am I depressed? Who knows. I certainly don't. Maybe it's easier to analyze patients than it is yourself? I'm inclined to agree. I have to admit though, I genuinely feel ashamed for the way I feel, considering that I have a pretty good life. I've been to university, I've studied as a doctor, I have a good job, I have a mother, father and brother. Despite all this however, I have always felt increasingly depressed. I look at others and they have suffered some massive tragedy, or have a clear reason. Me, I really don't know and it's not exactly easy approaching your colleagues to try to get an answer.

    I have spoken to two medical professionals in the past. One, a GP, was terrible. She couldn't be more patronising if she tried, an experience I would not care to repeat. The other, a naval mental health nurse, better but still of little help. But that was while I was in afghanistan and he seemed focused on the post traumatic stresses that often appear on the battlefield, when I clearly told him that it had been present long before then.

    So health professionals don't seem to work. I simply don't want to talk to my family as I am certain they will be of no help and will only worry. Friends - well life in Med school and the Navy makes true friends hard to come by, friendly colleagues maybe, but outside of work everyone scatters. Maybe it's just me, but thats how I feel.

    So will I commit suicide? If it weren't for my family? Yes. But as my family lives, No.

    I find myself trying to make deals. That if my mother were to pass away, I would allow myself to take my own life, because she would be the one to suffer most from it. My father and brother would be quite capable of coping and if I left it a few years after, it wouldn't hit them quite so hard. Or alternatively, I could simply do it now, instead of waiting. I would cause my family quite a bit of pain, but at least it would be quick death with some upset for my family, but that would be apposed to me spending my life misrable, and my mother seeing that in me.

    At the moment I spend my days around my family simply pretending to be happy. I have lost all joy in the world, in all the things I once liked. I simply cannot get any pleasure out of anything anymore and find myself trying anyway, vainly. But recently I've started to give up on even trying. Why let my family see me suffer? Why not just get it over with? Honestly, I don't think i'd do it while my mother way alive, but if she weren't it would definitely be on my to-do list.

    Could I do it? Of course I could. I'm a doctor. I'm also in the military. I've had ample chances already. <edited-method>

    So why am I on here? Well. The honest answer is that I do not want to commit suicide. Even if I didn't have to worry about my family, I would rather live, but if I can't get any enjoyment, any pleasure or any feelings out of life besides anxiety, sadness and plenty of other negatives, why bother? If there really is no way to change, then surely I should simply end it, or slog on until I have no family to worry about then end it when they are gone. Until then I will just have to keep pretending I'm okay or try and resolve it.

    I have tried before of course. Two, maybe even three health care professionals later, no luck. I have also tried self help, but I lack the motivation to do anything. I work because I have to, I do enjoy helping my patients, thats about the only thing I do enjoy. But you can only spend so much time working and it is unhealthy not to have a life outside work.

    So. I have plenty to do, plenty to fix. Perhaps this website will help? I doubt it, but it's helpful to vent. It helps me to get by for an extra day, because I do get very tempted sometimes.

    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 8, 2011
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Depression does not discriminate hun people in all trades all education as you know already it can be chemical unbalance Please never feel sorry for reaching out fo r support okay many professionals in health field i being one suffer from mental illlness hugs to you
  3. thingsaregonnachange

    thingsaregonnachange Well-Known Member

    I can certainly relate to being depressed while everything in your life is supposedly "fine".

    Today I do have real and concrete problems, but it wasn't always so.

    I think you might something people call "ontological anxiety", a generalized anxiety without a clear target.

    As for myself I can tell you that of all the things I've tried so far (including medication) what helped me the most was finding Buddhism and meditating.

    Learning how your mind works and why it triggers the pains, fears and anxieties that make you suffer sure helps.
  4. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and welcome...I am also a health care professional and I think that adds an extra layer, like we are supposed to be able to heal ourselves and are not authentic because we feel as we do...please do not judge all of the mental health professionals because the ones you consulted were not wise...keep trying to find someone with whom you can be disclosing...Re why you are depressed: as you know there are so many etiologies...some as innate as inadequate brain chemicals (non clinical but it's late here)...when we are depressed, no matter what the outside resources we have, we cannot enjoy them because of the perceptions created by our internal state; again, this adds another layer to the depression (e.g. double depression)...and if you served in any position, are you also experiencing PTSD? (yet another layer). Depressive symptoms are such an horrific onion...all the layers with we lost in them...please PM me if I can be there for you...I truly know what it is like to be saying things aloud to people that have me feeling so fraudulant because internally I feel so horrible...welcome again (Dr.) J
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