verge of being done

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by sadhart, Jul 27, 2014.

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  1. sadhart

    sadhart Well-Known Member

    todays shitty day has made me realize that there is no point in even trying anymore. I am tired of hurting in vain or having all this pain just pile up. the third step in AA is about turning your will and life over to God.....well FUCK GOD!!!! I am so tired of him jerking me around. He wants my life, well then he can take or I'm going to take it for him. All I wanted is for the pain to stop and it won't. It just gets worse and worse. And alot of the pain from the past never stops hurting. I'm sorry for acting like this, but don't think I can take much more of this.
     
  2. Hatshepsut

    Hatshepsut Guest

    It's been quite a while since I read the Big Book, so my knowledge of Wilson's theology, such as it is, may be rusty. The "turning it over" part in the third step prayer does say "...all of me... to do with it as thou wilt." But there doesn't seem to be anything on the divine agenda other than carrying the recovery idea to others, and steering away from a pattern of doing wrongs without efforts to redress (make amends).

    I'm not real sure God wants anything from us, especially since God already has everything to begin with. Sometimes I think Step 3 is about learning what we are supposed to be personally accountable for, and what is beyond our control so we should let go. A lot of things that are bothering you may be the latter kind of thing, beyond your control-meaning they are not your fault or your responsibility. If the painful items are consequences of things that you did in the past, then the Big Book suggests that efforts to make amends may help break their influence over you. This judgment is up to you-no one else has the ability, or the right, to make it for you.

    Best wishes-you deserve the best in life.

    :butterfly4:
     
  3. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hiyas, I don't want to make assumptions but is AA, Alcoholics anonymous? I am sorry you are feeling so bad and here if you want to talk, :hug:
     
  4. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    Get rid of the "God" image in your mind about that step - though if you are in a very "Christian" group that may be difficult to do. I do not believe you have to think of it as "god" simplyu to say you do not have control of everything yourself - and they go with "the higher power" idea which some might even define as "fate" or whatever. I would not do well if it was being thrown out as "God" either- so I do not blame you for not falling in step with that one easily . I hope you can twist it in your mind to the less over the top "higher power because nobody is capable of doing it all themselves" type of thought. It is very difficult I am sure, but I really hope you take the parts that are possibly helping and keep trying - as "higher power" as defined and some unnamed thing is still preferable to turning your life over to drugs or alcohol and letting that rule your every conscious waking moment of when is the next high and how long and how long before can do that again which is no better in my opinion.
     
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