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Very alone. Need help please. won't hold long

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by no hope in sight, Aug 8, 2009.

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  1. no hope in sight

    no hope in sight New Member

    I'm a 38 year old male..I currently live in Israel. Lived in the US for 23 years..
    I have many problems, and all are running through my head that I feel overwhelmed and suicide has been running through my head for a few years now. December 2008 I finished a 3 year session where I would have weekly chats with a psychiatrist. I took/take citalopram since the beginning it's ok..it helps to control some of the anger I have . He since moved away. I have no contact with him since. I went to him because I broke down when my wife (13 years relationship) cheated on me. divorced but I still have contact with her as a regular friend. no kids, I don't want any anyways. I'm sorry i'm all over the place it's just tons of stuff is happening and I can't shut my brain down..anyways..had a relationship with older women. she dropped me after a year and a half because I have no money..don't want to get into details now..same feeling comes up as with wife. A lot of anger. If I see her with another guy. He will be handicapped. I never raised a finger on a lady. Just so you know don't want to get into the details right now..I can't stop thinking about her. even though i'm dying to.. 3 months have past since our relationship.
    I owe a lot of money to the bank. I hate this country..the people(80%)..every day to day life I have to deal with the people here is pure nightmare. The people are rude, no class, and plain and simple AHOLES! I feel trapped here. I feel like i'm in jail. I can't go back to the US right now. long story, not right now though.. I can't speak with my mom and sister. won't get into detail. just can't.my dad lives in the US. I have a lot of anger against him from the first 2nd he calls.a lot of anger from childhood when he hit me and yelled at me all the time. My brother doesn't want to hear anything. I have no friends here in Israel. I had a canadian friend. No more contact with him. all israeli's are different mentality then what I grew up in the US..
    I don't talk to anyone. I spent friday and saturday at home doing nothing but watched rerun movies/tv shows I converted months ago to my TYTN II. I don't have a job because I can't deal with the israeli people so I hate working here. I have a little home 5x4 meters with bathroom and shower. I don't go to sleep till i'm exsausted at 5 or 6 in the morning since I have a bad anxiety disorder..I can't get her out of my head . My head doesn't want to stop thinking. I have no TV and i'm waiting for my mobo (long story) for my PC so I can play some games as this is the only way I can keep my mind from crashing.. there's a lot more i'd like to say, just i'm overwhelmed with sadness, stressed out like crazy. I'm confused. I have addison's disease and I thought to stop taking my pills I have no one to turn too. I spoke to my dowctor and he sent me a letter to the ER. Didin't help much. I've been reading non stop on how to kill myself. i've cut myself down the wrist with blood coming out but not sure it's going to get the job done. I was thinking of taking a big dose of sleeping pills (which i have clonex..don't like them..sleep with nightmares wake up like a zombie) till i'm going to pass out then take a bottle of pills. I make myself bleed in my arms with a razor almost everyday. But I don't show anyone. I cant' sleep at night cause I think about her and it's hot like hell in the house 30-32Âșc at night and when I lie down I feel like i'm going to pass out and not have air to breathe, so I run out of the house wait 15 minutes to cool off since it's cooler, then try it again and it goes again and again.. for hours I can't hold it together ..till I get tired or I get frustrated and I strt breaking the walls in the house with whatever i can. I won't holdlong I know it. I have no TV and the net is from internet cafe. I don't have a car I have a scooter (which is considered acceptable here don't laugh) I read tons and tons of info on different methods, but I don't want to fail. If there was a pistol in front of me there would be no doubt or a 2nd thought I would grab it quickly and do it instantly. I've recently been on the lookout for some people who walkaround with a gun and thought to forcfully steal it from them..
    A lot of thoughts run through my mind..bad thoughts. I have bad dreams all the time. I almost always remeber them in clear detail. I'm a wedding photographer, though not doing it for 2 years now. So I see things and have perfect images in detail locked in my head. in the dream my ex wifes mom was sick for some time and I remember getting a call at night she died while I was inthe middle of a tv show giving a prize away half of a huge turkey. I remember crying in my dream, also 1 of my dogs was thrown out of the house and I couldn't find him..I couldn't stop crying in my sleep. I called his name for a long time and he came to me. he looked really bad and had eaten a lot of uncooked rice and I was worried like crazy. finally I found him but I was so sad. I woke up in the middle crying..
    Also i'm so wired up i'm ready to let it all go..I'm dying to get in a fight with someone(I bodybuild and used to take martial arts classes). my writing is all over the place but I have to much problems I can't hold on..this life is not for me.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 8, 2009
  2. triggs

    triggs Account Closed

    hi, i'm glad you found us :hug: i'm sorry so much has happened and things aren't working out well for you! a lot of people here feel this way and although they may not have been through the same things, there are always people who can relate to some aspects of another's life :arms: if you ever need to talk, i'm always here :heart:
    triggs xx
  3. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    Sorry to hear that you are struggling with so very much and your post really saddened me.
    I know this is of little comfort but I will say it anyways because I believe it...it will get better. For starters the situation with your wife is so recent that you hardly have had time to grieve let alone process it all. Please be kind to yourself on this matter, you are hurting, your heart is hurting and needs care.

    I hope you come back as SF is a great place. I think you find much love and support that is so lacking in your life right now. I for one care and will help and support you.

    Please let us know how we may help you.

  4. no hope in sight

    no hope in sight New Member

    The betrayal by the ex wife happened december 2006. she said she was going to her mom to do a puzzle (they had the puzzle craze then) I went to a client to drop some extra pics she ordered and on the way back I thought I'd drop in cause they always ask me to find a certain piece. She wasn't there. I knew it. 2 years back I had a feeling something was wrong but everyone told me it was in my head. I'm not the jealous type. I don't call her to find out why she's late 10 minutes. I'm confident in myself. and it hit me hard. I read her diary that night and roughly understood this was going on for a few years..I don't trust anyone anymore.. I've been in therapy for 3 years because of that. We are still in contact and at one time we tried to work it out...meaning forget about it and that had feeling buried down inside me that were never spoken about. She never said sorry about it and she feels she was right for doing so. we got divorced last summer. The recent older (48)GF break up...was 2 months ago and that was for a year and a half. I get quite mad when I bring it up so I won't talk about that but the same feelings of betrayal come into my head and I start thinking about it as if she cheated on me. I'm glad I never called to beg or to ask who she's going out with etc..It would bring me to the point I would find the guy and make him handicap..I have a lot betrayal from a lot of people in my life. No one is there to help me when I needed it most.
    This is some of my work. all kinda stuff. I don't post my best work..it's old stuff too..now come october i'm going to do my sister's wedding only because my brother asked me to..at times I feel I want to, but most times not..
    I felt really good that I was able to talk to someone at the treatment. But I no longer live in the city so I have to go to another area and it takes 3 months wait before they even see me..I don't have that time..
    the days are mixed 50/50 with how I feel,but at night the troubles hit me hard when i'm alone with the anxiety and my head working overtime thinking of my problems and her. just thinking about her with another guy drives me mad I break the house more and more everyday ..if even someone says something wrong to me I feel like destroying the person..It's not good, but I feel hopeless..
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    There is always hope you coming here for help is a start we care hang in there okay there will always be others who will love you as you deserve fully.
  6. pit

    pit Well-Known Member

    I don't like Israelis either, so you're not alone.
  7. mistysautumn

    mistysautumn Well-Known Member

    I don't know what to say except this: you need change, you need time. You need to move away, go to a different country. I don't know how, but just leave. There are too many bad things surrounding you right now, and you can't overcome the state you're in while you're standing still. Maybe it would help. I don't know. I know I need change and I know that I will move away, but I still want to die. There's still a hope for you though.
  8. mistysautumn

    mistysautumn Well-Known Member

    And it really sucks all of us live far away from each other, it would be great if we could talk face to face.
  9. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    What keeps you in Israel if you hate it so much? I understand you saying you can't come back to the US right now, although I do wonder what stops you if this is where you would like to be. Get yourself out of this place that has so many negative things attatched to it for you. The loss of your most recent relationship has not been that long. Some people are able to recover quickly from things like this while others take years. Give yourself permission to grieve this loss but try to do so without the anger. You mentioned meds helping at one time. You may consider going this route once again. I hope you find the relief you so desperately seek. I think if you could feel a little relief in at least one area, the others might not be quite so difficult for you to handle. :hug:
  10. no hope in sight

    no hope in sight New Member

    Thanks I'm glad someone finally agrees on this. I'm embarrassed i'm Israeli..

    I was born in Israel, moved to the US when I was 2. grew up in the US. I came to Israel for a vacation where all my family lives. Dad is in NY. they convinced me to stay and after the 6th year, things went down the drain 1 year after the next..
    I can't go to the US yet because in '98 I had a bad bike accident and i'm waiting for for the case to finish. Broken collarbone/ 4 ribs. problems with memory, scars on my arms and my head got messed up a bit not physically.. But I won't hold up till then. I can't talk to the lawyer because he completely ignores anything I say/ask, the last time I was there I was too close to going berserk on him. I have my mom or ex wife talk to him, but everything he says pisses me off I just don't care anymore. I also have no money right now..nothing. I'm guessing, according to the handicap percentage I got it should be between $70-130k. But I have a feeling the a*ole lawyer will screw me over and then it'll be all over..

    I'm dying to get back in to a weekly chat with a therapist but the damn bureaucracy is a PITA. Everything is slow and primitive here. I'm a sensitive person who takes things personally. So things stay with me for a long time. I can't wipe it from my head. I have problems as I have conversations running through my head all the time as if the person is in front of me. I don't talk out loud just I have a perfect vision of the person in front of me and i'm talking with her and she's answering me back..I'm dying to meet a girl as i'm the kind who can't be alone. But on one side i'm not ready as I think about her all the time, and the other i'm scared the state i'm in will scare her away. I'm also not able to offer her anything since i'm broke. So that lowers my self esteem. and who the hell would want anyone anyway will problems like mine. I never was in a bad situation like this in the US..I hate everything about this place..

    I can't go anywhere right now. no money. I'm stuck. catch 22 for me..
    I have no money for rent as the little shack i'm in right now is being rented to me by my aunt for a small amount i'm not being able to pay for the last 6 months. I' scared the electric co will come any day and shut it off.

    And it really sucks all of us live far away from each other, it would be great if we could talk face to face.
    That would be awesome..

    I'm glad I'm able to post here and get some immediate relief. It's helped me the last 2 days..thank you all...
    have a great night..
  11. mistysautumn

    mistysautumn Well-Known Member

    Too bad you can't get away. I worked for a month so I can go away, even if it's only neighbour country.
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