I'm a 38 year old male..I currently live in Israel. Lived in the US for 23 years.. I have many problems, and all are running through my head that I feel overwhelmed and suicide has been running through my head for a few years now. December 2008 I finished a 3 year session where I would have weekly chats with a psychiatrist. I took/take citalopram since the beginning it's ok..it helps to control some of the anger I have . He since moved away. I have no contact with him since. I went to him because I broke down when my wife (13 years relationship) cheated on me. divorced but I still have contact with her as a regular friend. no kids, I don't want any anyways. I'm sorry i'm all over the place it's just tons of stuff is happening and I can't shut my brain down..anyways..had a relationship with older women. she dropped me after a year and a half because I have no money..don't want to get into details now..same feeling comes up as with wife. A lot of anger. If I see her with another guy. He will be handicapped. I never raised a finger on a lady. Just so you know don't want to get into the details right now..I can't stop thinking about her. even though i'm dying to.. 3 months have past since our relationship. I owe a lot of money to the bank. I hate this country..the people(80%)..every day to day life I have to deal with the people here is pure nightmare. The people are rude, no class, and plain and simple AHOLES! I feel trapped here. I feel like i'm in jail. I can't go back to the US right now. long story, not right now though.. I can't speak with my mom and sister. won't get into detail. just can't.my dad lives in the US. I have a lot of anger against him from the first 2nd he calls.a lot of anger from childhood when he hit me and yelled at me all the time. My brother doesn't want to hear anything. I have no friends here in Israel. I had a canadian friend. No more contact with him. all israeli's are different mentality then what I grew up in the US.. I don't talk to anyone. I spent friday and saturday at home doing nothing but watched rerun movies/tv shows I converted months ago to my TYTN II. I don't have a job because I can't deal with the israeli people so I hate working here. I have a little home 5x4 meters with bathroom and shower. I don't go to sleep till i'm exsausted at 5 or 6 in the morning since I have a bad anxiety disorder..I can't get her out of my head . My head doesn't want to stop thinking. I have no TV and i'm waiting for my mobo (long story) for my PC so I can play some games as this is the only way I can keep my mind from crashing.. there's a lot more i'd like to say, just i'm overwhelmed with sadness, stressed out like crazy. I'm confused. I have addison's disease and I thought to stop taking my pills I have no one to turn too. I spoke to my dowctor and he sent me a letter to the ER. Didin't help much. I've been reading non stop on how to kill myself. i've cut myself down the wrist with blood coming out but not sure it's going to get the job done. I was thinking of taking a big dose of sleeping pills (which i have clonex..don't like them..sleep with nightmares wake up like a zombie) till i'm going to pass out then take a bottle of pills. I make myself bleed in my arms with a razor almost everyday. But I don't show anyone. I cant' sleep at night cause I think about her and it's hot like hell in the house 30-32ºc at night and when I lie down I feel like i'm going to pass out and not have air to breathe, so I run out of the house wait 15 minutes to cool off since it's cooler, then try it again and it goes again and again.. for hours I can't hold it together ..till I get tired or I get frustrated and I strt breaking the walls in the house with whatever i can. I won't holdlong I know it. I have no TV and the net is from internet cafe. I don't have a car I have a scooter (which is considered acceptable here don't laugh) I read tons and tons of info on different methods, but I don't want to fail. If there was a pistol in front of me there would be no doubt or a 2nd thought I would grab it quickly and do it instantly. I've recently been on the lookout for some people who walkaround with a gun and thought to forcfully steal it from them.. A lot of thoughts run through my mind..bad thoughts. I have bad dreams all the time. I almost always remeber them in clear detail. I'm a wedding photographer, though not doing it for 2 years now. So I see things and have perfect images in detail locked in my head. in the dream my ex wifes mom was sick for some time and I remember getting a call at night she died while I was inthe middle of a tv show giving a prize away half of a huge turkey. I remember crying in my dream, also 1 of my dogs was thrown out of the house and I couldn't find him..I couldn't stop crying in my sleep. I called his name for a long time and he came to me. he looked really bad and had eaten a lot of uncooked rice and I was worried like crazy. finally I found him but I was so sad. I woke up in the middle crying.. Also i'm so wired up i'm ready to let it all go..I'm dying to get in a fight with someone(I bodybuild and used to take martial arts classes). my writing is all over the place but I have to much problems I can't hold on..this life is not for me.