very awful rant

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Ok, i've been living quietly and depessive for all my life now. I think it all has to do with my family and blah. So im leaving in a week.
The thing is i dont give a fuk about anything anymore, i think once i leave, i will either kill myself or lose control, like start to doing drugs, drink smoke....etc.
So yeah life sux, most of all i will have to see stupid motherfukers eveyday, i just want to end this shit, im like what fuk is the point of this, everyone had something in the past that gave them the hope, the zeal to live... I've been left alone and dumb in the cold wind. So i had to tell myself why the fuk do i live anyway.
I mean if i dont do either of these things, how do i cope with this shit?
Am i suppose to become a piece of wood, and let age sets me in, and regret my whole fukin life?
I mean ppl will think there is a screw loose in my head once they get to know me, and i dont even fukin care about them. I mean i've been alone too long now, its like already buildt into my genes.
I mean i can stare the surface of a lake, be like hipnotized and i just want to sit there like forever.
I mean its reall fukced up!
Im absolutely more dead than death. Im not even sure death can end this all. Im afraid i'll like fukin being reborn again, and have to get through all shit/boredom/torment again.
So this time i tell myself, if i kill myself, i'll kill myself again and agian if im rebirthed, as soon as possilbe for as long as there needs to be.
Yeah life is a joke.
JOke is on us.
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