Very bad news from DR. I just want the pain to end.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Talia862, Dec 31, 2015.

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  1. Talia862

    Talia862 Well-Known Member

    I have rheumatoid arthritis (an auto-immune disorder where your immune system attacks your joints) and fibrolmaylgia nd the pain is insane. I saw my RA doc the other day and he gave me the results of last month's tests- its getting worse. I have tried every medicine for RA that exists and gotten no relief. to give you an idea how much pain I am in, a SED rate measures the inflammation in your body which translates t how much your joints hurt. A SED rate of 4 is considered too high. Mine is 72. I am in physical agony every moment of every day and its only bearable for a few hours when I take my medicine. I am so tired all the time, running a constant fever and often feel like I have the flu. The fibro when I have an attack doesn't respond at all t pain medication and its awful.

    But worse of all is the lack of hope. I was diagnosed with this disease less than 6 years ago. It's already put me in a wheelchair on bad days and on the rare good day i can get around a bit with a cane but can't go up stairs. Can't type can't eat much and can't eat some things at all because of my jaw- it in every joint in my body. It is a progressive illness that only gets worse. So if in 6 years I'm already in a wheelchair, when 6 years ago I was able bodied and could walk miles, what will it be like in ANOTHER 6 years. I'm 40 years old. If I make it to 70, will I need someone to feed me? Change me? Bathe me? I can't take it the future looks so bleak and the pain is so bad now. I am going to ask for stronger painkillers but again I'm 40 and if I max out on painkillers now, I wont' have anything else to take years from now.

    The saddest part is I want to live. I want to write have a career, enjoy my friends who I know love me. But I can't deal with this anymore. I want to apply for assisted suicide or just do it myself. I really wish I could talk about my feelings with somneone or call a hotline. But I can' trisk being put back in the hosptial. When I was there last time they locked me in a room for 11 hours and refused to let me take my pain meds, even though I had them wiht me AND a note from the dr. It was a nightmare, and this was 4 years ago when the pain was nowhere near as bad. When I finally was admitted, the dro on call didn't believe in painkillesr and cut my dose in half without even seeing me. He just feels that depressed people shounld't take narcotics. I spent the whole 3 days I was there on the floor whimpering. I signed myself out and swore never to go back. Now that things are so much worse, I can't even imagine being without my pain medicine. I CAN'T go to the hospital, so I can't talk about my feelings with anyone. I wish I knew a foolproof way to die. I just don't want to screwup and end up worse off. I probably qualify for assisted suicide but I know that takes a long time. My friends keep telling me they love me, they want me to live, and they tell me new medical advances are coming out all the time. To hang on. I just can;t.

    I am in so much pain.
  2. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    I am so sorry to hear that you are in pain. I am more sorry the horrible experience you had in hospital as that no nice. They were suppose to care for you and not cause unnecessary pain. Please do not think that you friends just care. I also care for the pain you should feel now. Life is about living and nothing more. We all suffer from illness but we gave to remain strong. Times are hard but we are hear for YOU.

    Please keep posting as you are really important and never forget that.
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