Very bad night.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Axiom, Jun 4, 2011.

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  1. Axiom

    Axiom Account Closed

    I mostly am trying to keep myself level right now. Im just so tired of trying to get some sort of help from anyone now. How am I supposed to stop feeling like there is no point to any of this. Im so tired of knowing whats coming my way, and what i am. Ijust want this to stop, have my final say and meet myself. This has to be like the 50th time ive been in this state where i post about it, but it's getting worse and worse. Now it's so ... everything feels and looks the same. If I wrote that I felt as far as a release id just be edited out. I always beat myself up so I can force myself to resist against it. But now, i just want to drain to nothing in every meaning.

    just what am i supposed to think about? Is this ever going to pass? Idk.. im so tired of my life. This place is the only place I have left to talk to anyone. Whats the point..
     
  2. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    Maybe it might help if you set a small goal for urself or a few. Make you feel as if you can be working on something and going somewhere. I also sometimes feel so tired of going no where day in day out. But small goals u can track are good.

    I hope you feel better soon. :hug:
     
  3. Axiom

    Axiom Account Closed

    I donno... like what. It's not really going to change the reality of my life at all. It's not just the failings its the feelings of never feeling anything that i want anymore. I feel emotionally dead as deep down as i am inside, and all around that i feel angry and hurt. barely anything satisfies me to any degree. it just gets dissolved by whatever I am. I feel so empty and without any purpose. I feel so low and humiliated by who i am. I find no pride or achievement in anything anymore.. i just feel like shit.

    Small goals just create a new set of successes, sure. That'll keep me going. I suppose.. im not sure.. i dont think so ..it really wont do anything. not for this. maybe i guess if i knew what the problems were with me, and could attach some sort of goals that helped deal with my problems, but i cant focus on anything. The life im supposed to be walking on feels like it's been ripped from underneath me and is floating all chaotically above me.
    Im forcing myself to not think about time and existence too much, but im having serious trouble tonight with it. Keeping my head leveled and away from topics is getting so difficult. And the reality that ill never change, ive not changed in almost 2 decades is pounding on my head. Nothings changed for so long it just keeps getting worse and my dreams keep getting more and more dominate in order to keep myself elevated to osme degree. Im just so tired of trying. Its the same yet worse all the time.

    How do u find any sense of purpose or self worth when you know you are worthless? Someone telling you your worth it? Like anyone knows who I am, if they did theyd think twice before hollering those words of false endearment. ..sorry, im just defending and attacking and shifting to keep myself moving in some degree inside. Anything but thinking about knives and other means.. i just want to do it and finally do it. Finally put an end to this dream i keep aiming for that never happens. but i have to keep going i dont know why why whats the point? God im sick of this shit .

    :( anything i do, i never do it good enough anyhow. And if i do it once, ill fuck it up the second time. Or ill care less about it the third time. I can't keep anything up. Im too tired.. I dont get why I should keep trying.
     
  4. jxdama

    jxdama Staff Member Safety & Support

    i also fail at everything.
     
  5. Axiom

    Axiom Account Closed

    Failing for me would managable, I suppose. I have serious dillusions of grandure, that I am aware of, yet they are the only things that keep me motivated on some scale. Ive just given up on trying for anything now, there are far too many obsticals and issues. Having a bloody meal with people now is terrifying and im struggeling to stay ontop just with basic things. I should be someone else, my mind and who i am inside wasnt meant for these stupid issues, they just contradict and strangle eachother. Well, my issues strangle me, and my desires tourment and push me into basic situations then my issues remind me specifically why I am what I am. It's very difficult to think you are something more, and realise you are nothing more than a piece of shit on the floor, not capable of 99% shit i spew anymore. Ive only got enough energy for me, and im so tired of me.
    Now it's trying to not make things about me... But it's all I feel and want to feel. It's so stupid, im frustrated and I keep falling back into myself, instead of looking at the world around me. the more I try in the world the more i burn myself literally and mentally by realising the applications of my own failings for the future, and seeing the trailing timeline in my past... and that's not discussing the absolute humiliation I feel when im me with people. Before it was just alot of shit in my head, but now, that shit is real and Im...
    Doesnt matter.

    I want to go :S Im really trying hard now, im like 1% wanting to think about screwing this off. meaning 99% of me doesnt. Except that 99% is so tired of the same old stuff. Im tired of watching and feeling myself deteriorate more and more inside, and knowing it's all simple reasons. The problem is I become more and more aware of how stupid my issues are the closer and closer I get to fucking this all off. Im yo yoing like mad, and it feels ..

    idk maybe everything i want to feel is just in that final plunge. I dont think so, i dont think that could make any sense to be honest, but if i made it just right it could be. thered be nothing to really endure as far as humiliation goes.. im so sick of being humiliated by everything i do. im sick of failing in everything and that being a huge hinderence in how i feel. im sick of connecting with people and somehow going from connected to somehow slipping into me and then creating a train wreck. Idonnot i can take it. :) Just another one of those things. its all in my head, it's not real. .. to a degree though it is real. And that's a big problem. It's not a ficticious overview that im twisting, everything i do is a catastrophe now.
    Ug i keep wanting today to just . Im tired of not understanding and being able to fix this. I cant even keep track of everything anymore. Everythings just so... meh it's manageable :) ... if i lie to myself.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 5, 2011
  6. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    What's happened, what's making you feel like you're failing at everything? And it does matter.
     
  7. Axiom

    Axiom Account Closed

    Alot of things really, from the essentials that keep a lifestyle alive, to my own individual actions and interactions. (money.. work, connections, any sense of achievment, personally and socially, .. who i am.. everything i do.. ect)
    Um.. you know how somethings you have more confidence in and even if there is a mistake made while using this specific thing, that confidence in it and yourself lets you work through it and not let the failure really reach you. For me, everything I do is so .. it's like everythings retracted, every social skill, every mental concept or ability to formulate anything on the fly. Making an ass of myself is one thing, I can laugh it off, but thinking up an appriopriate bounce back is difficult. But whatever I deal with that fine.. its the shit that I dont know and im always.. always asking questions. It drives me nuts, and its all my fault for not knowing simple things. I just dont retain anything. Its in one ear out the other, so i look and am a totaly numpty infront of people.
    Nothings happened, just loads of things everyday that I dont talk about, just kinda ignore or go through. I was doing alright tbh, i can deal with my own stupidity, but then i went out and had an embarrassing and humiliating evening, it was one minor trainwreck after another, and again and again i see people just compensating for me and getting frustrated by my inability to retain any information from something said 10-15 minutes prior unless the shit is spelt out to me.
    Which makes me spiral out into myself and start making me think of every single thing I cant do, and every single thing ive done wrong and continue to do wrong. Which makes everything i hope and dream of slowly move away from me and a new reality slipping in. .. Same old song and dance, I can usually deal with this sort of dissociation and dillusional realisation and find the truth in it so I can let go of what im doing and see reality for what it is. But this stuff, .. anything social hits me 100x worse for some pathetic reason. Probably because im trying to be something im not, and that's probbably because im unhappy and embarrassed by who i am, which is a result of me being stupid and lazy and completely ignorant to life and how things work probably because i do fuck all, but i do nothing because i dont feel any reason or cause to because of a completely different set of issues revolving around myself and life externally. Granted im slowly learning that life has a lot more to offer than i give it credit..

    it's just been one plunder after another tbh.. day in and day out, i just wanted some reprieve, where i felt something for me that was real. Nothing seemed possible, just making myself feel something i know I feel all the and want, i just hide from it. Or maybe im fooling myself into thinking i want it? Idk. Im in two minds about it sometimes, its the only way I can flip out of it.. i guess that's a way of not dealing with it aswell.

    I walk out of the door and I feel like im being attacked. I feel like a failure because in a very true sense of comparison, I am a failure, and I walk around with it. I can do normal things for awhile, but the longer i do, the more tensed up and numb I become, which confuses and disorientates me when i find a place where I can calm down, because I cant feel anything about me. The problem is, things have been on stupid lines, and the minor humiliating evening i had shook everything about me I suppose. Id never let these things ahappen, and they were happening. The reality was..is, disturbing. If this is real, then alot of other things arent real, and if they arent real, then in their place are alot of more disturbing realities. Im tired of having to "re-work" who I am, and give up on more and more parts of me. Id rather burn out on myself in a moment at feel everything ive accumulated in my life in one final moment then endure this dissolving fascade of "life" that im making myself live, just for the hopes of connecting and flowing with more beauty in life, which is a complex dillusion that keeps me going on some scale. .. idk, i just keep writing and going and going and i dont make any sense, for once id like to apply the stupid way i think to something producive and care about it.

    sometimes the weight of what i have to do to change my life is so daunting that it seems completely worthless considering the failings i know im going to have to endure. Its not like i can just walk into "safe" environments and work my way up, my lifes so shit that i have no more "gives". I have to be able to deal with these things with a calm unwavering attitude, and I can pull it off on the outside, but inside im ..
    I hate who I want to be sometimes, and I hate who I am, I really dont like anything about me, so it's hard to hold onto things. Ihave this aggressively annoying mentality of selfdestructing anything thats good about me, so I hate letting good parts of life from other people or things inside. .. tbh i dont know why i refuse to see anything good, probably because it has as much substance as.. nothing tbh. I guess the best parts of me have as much substance as whatever iwrite about. It's all ponitless rants. And im trying at times to stop it and see the best parts and go for them, regardless of how I look at things. but everytime i fall in reality literally, not because of anything but the fact that I have nothing to give back. I know fuck all about anything, ..arrg. I donno I dont give a good moment time to breath. I dont think i know how to anymore. It was .. just really bad. last night. its all peachy right now but the moment i do something that i feel i have to, i feel .. like shit and frustrated.
    idk i think ive become a cope out and a runner tbh, never dealing with anything. I just make myself feel worse and worse .
    Sooo i need to stop it. like buck up. get out of this mindset that i fall into, but idk, im all over and inside the worst parts of me. Ijust want all these problems gone so i can breath and be me. Just.. being me, i hate me, everything that i hav elet myself become and continue to let myself be. All these things that i need to change, it's alot. I just felt everything last night and kept falling and falling deeper into, "self pitty" like, right now I guess.

    I suppose little goals are a good idea, ..Maybe i need to just give myself a break and not look to far into things as im doing them. but then that limits them. ? ..

    Idk, how do I explain that sometimes i just feel all the worst parts of my life at once, and it can just be really bad that I convince myself theres no possible way out of it, ebcause it's all real. When infact it's pure ignorance to the rest of life because im projecting my problems on all of life around me.

    If i fail at one thing, I dont just see that one issue, I feel it and all other things it could be associated too in the future, aswell as any previous failings that relate to it. I should be able to see one issue as what it is, just one issue. But in any social setting, i get dazed and "disorientated". I cant exactly talk my way out of it like i do in text.
    lblah... i have to change my life and how I think and everything i do. Calm it down, slow it down, but i have so many things that need real addressing. Idk.. i feel slightly off balance trying to explain the specific issues that make me feel like this, because I dont want to share them, so i just talk about how they work and make me feel.

    Takes me forever just to find the words for what i want, and by the time ive found those little sentences, ive spewed a load of horse shit. idk.. I dont know what i want, i dont know what I can have or if i can have anything. I keep thinking this is the best things are ever going to get. that im going to have to accept that im this failure of a person and it may get better, but not until i have to endure more and more humiliation. I cant take anymore of it tbh, i never could, and when it hits, its.. blah.. something i need to get over. just i cant even look at myself in the eyes, i see so much shit it gets a bit much.
    Todays a new day though , or a later day. Tomorrows a bigger day, where I have to take all this bullshit and hide it inside and act normal infront of new people and find some way of flowing with their stuff so i dont stand out and do something stupid. But im gonna be standing out, so i have to be extra careful about letting howi feel slide out. .. sometimes that prospect combined with everything really really is bad because i know..

    Sorry i know I write alot of shit, but no one seems to be ablet o keep up with me and my bollocks accept for me, and I usually end up saying something that lets me get some clarity on it so I can prepare for what i do. .. im just tired of having to do this day in and day out in some fashion. it's hard to worry about yourself and try to enjoy or experience something at the sametime. I end up destroying how I feel. I feel like a twat all the time. Stuck in circles, and shit. I dont want to find new circles, I want to get out of this way that i am. I want alot of things, but im worried about wanting them, because I balance that want with "reality" and my perception of my abilities and what I can achieve is becoming so very thin that.. idk. Sometimes the only thing I feel that I am capable of that I can still do 100% of as me without feeling like a failure, is killing myself. But on the flip side... thats a failure in itself. but i head strong it because its the one thing thats always mine. Everything else in this world seems so.. idk, like it doesnt matter if im here or not. Im just a filler or a mute point. I can deal with that because I can find something in it to "grow" from, but .. i wasnt feeling that, i was just falling without anything to grab a hold of. Im jus having issues finding my own passion for myself that lets me do things regardless of what happens. Its just sad when I find it, at how pathetic and weak and failureistic :stars: it always turns out to be. Probably because everythings out of balance. I guess you cant walk straight if your legs are unbalanced. Erhm... idk, i just feel dysfunctional all around. Things just slip out when they shouldnt and it shatters what im doing. Then it just gets worse.. i hate making people feel uncomfortable... and That is ALL i ever do. They just get used to me, and they only do that when I NEVER show them who i am. And when I do... i have to do it sparringly. And even if no ones there, and im trying to do something i care about... 5 seconds of it, and then i feel like an idiot for even trying to do whatever i wanted to do because ..of whatever.

    best I can describe it atm. Words and feelings for me dont really work well. Hell, nothing works well. Id likesomething to believe in.. everytime i find something... idk. but todays a better day. Always getting better. :S Idk, people move through the most intense and hardest things and endure the most painful things and keep going. I just need to learn again how to work through things and not let how I feel get the better of me. And not put myself in stupid situations. Problem is i have alot of stupid situations I have to go through. Bandage ripping time I guess. Donno, sometimes after handeling simple things i just, have no reprieve at all. I never really do. The only repreieve is me trying to feel alive in someway, and the only way I feel alive is by behing honest with myself, and .. well thats not working out at all. The worst thing is, if i ever get out of this, and read this, I know I feel so ashamed for being this stupid and "sensitive" and "overboard" and "selfish" and "ignorant" and dumb for being like this. Idk, is this biting the bullet to move forward or is this another nail in the coffin? .. idk :stars: Its just aftermath. In the moment, :S God i need to shut up.

    idk maybe i make alot of nothing because i have nothing else really. Who knows.. sounds about right. A fucking walking cliche .. i hate this shit. Sometimes I just want it all to end, everything about me. I just hate giving up. But i do it more and more and more, each time im betraying myself more and more. hard to keep doing things when Im giving up on other things. Plays with my mind, with other things too.
     
  8. me myself and i

    me myself and i Account Closed

    Well, for what it is worth................... i see a wisdom and a caring in your posts that is rarely matched.
    You have depth, intelligence and foresight.
     
  9. Axiom

    Axiom Account Closed

    Thanks.. i think. i donno. It's defiantly not the case though. idk. I just feel and know im devoid of anything useful so it's.. im not sure if how i view myself in that regard is an issue so much. I know it sounds off, but i never want to hink that im that at all. I just want to be me and be content with who I am and how I am with life and people. Kinda fucked up how I deal and interact with people on a normal level. It's hard to see and feel myself, aswell as seeing everything else around me, and maintaining that. I kinda shift alot. And believe for every apparent productive thing, there's 100 things to rip it apart. Just wish i was able to keep a part of me through everything and be able to be reliable no matter what. And also be able to fuck off anything that narks me off. Too bad i nark myself off too much.
    idk id do almost anything to... get over myself :)
     
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