fucking parents!! i swear its ALWAYS about mum and dad. it isn't ever fair anymore. but for fucks sake, its ALWAYS about them. i'm sick of having to be here with them, i can't stand it. i always get dragged into it. ya know what mum? I DON'T CARE that you dont want dad to take those meds. I DON'T CARE, ok?!?! and pretty please don't drag me into this even more by hiding the meds in my room because you don't want dad to take them. if you haven't forgotten, daddy's a big boy now mother dear, and he CAN make his own decisions for HIMSELF. you're not his mum. you're meant to be mine. dad, i don't even KNOW what to say to you anymore. i know that i have to be supportive, and believe me, i'm trying, ok? but for crying out loud, what did you do when i was suicidal and self harming? oh yeah, you tried to stop me from going onto SF. you took away my phone. you RESTRICTED my ability to get help. for crying out loud if it wasn't for SF i dont even know if i'd be here today. you and mum treated it like i was grounded. forgot to do the laundry? no computer. feeling suicidal? no computer, ipod, camera or phone. oh yeah, why not restrict how much piano i can play too? it just proves how well you guys even KNOW me anymore. piano was one of the few things keeping me here, it still is. i live for music. although, i don't think you've noticed that. you still think that i'm gonna grow up and go to melbourne uni and major in accounting or business something like that. i have no interest in math. i don't have the drive to follow what you guys do and set up my own business. nor do i want to work for you guys. no way, not after all this shit thats been going on for years. sorry, but i think that you guys have put me off entrepreneurial ventures for life. that and alky. everyone else around me drinks, and i still refuse to touch a single drop. so far, i intend for it to stay that way too. mum, you dont even like dad's psych. actually, you dont even like clare. i can understand why you dont like psychs... in your position, and coming from the same sort of background, i prolly would too. sorry... that came out wrong. i don't mean to sound like a bitch and all condescending. i really dont. then again you probably don't believe me on this either. i dont think you get it though, how hard i try to be honest to you. all of it, all of this, its just getting to be too much. do EITHER of you even know how much of an effect it has on me? sure, its made me a heck of a lot more mature, its made me grow up. everyone says i'm all mature for my age... i guess its a compliment. but you dont know the bad of it either. i still get bad dreams about it. i'm always tired. i'm not blaming all the tiredness on you guys though - its partly my fault too and i recognise that. although you probably do account for some of it. do you even KNOW how much i worry about you guys? i love yas both... ok? just... well... get it through your heads. i'm so fucking FRUSTRATED at the both of you though. and what pisses me off even more is that i put up with more crap from you guys than the stuff you have to put up with from me. i mean, correct me if i'm wrong, but isn't it meant to be the OTHER WAY AROUND? not that i'd be stupid enough to turn defiant. you are both being so immature. i fucking go to school to escape home, and go home to escape school. its almost a living nightmare. at home, what do i get? immature parents who refuse to see the other side of things. and what do i get at school? bitch fights and people bagging my friends. IT AIN'T NICE to bitch about other people in front of them, ok? its badly degrading. and anyway, you go out with J's older brother, who might i add, is 18, and what are you? oh yeah, you're 14. you continually talk about him in front of J, its always 'ohmigod, ryan this, and ryan that.' and then you say that you think J is angry at you. well... i really must say, i WONDER why. fucking bitchfights, domestic disputes, fights in myself... its fighting everywhere. theres nowhere, i repeat, NOWHERE, that i can go where i don't have to think about any of this shit. why is life so complicating?!