Very close to walking through the black veil.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by jcp007, Jul 16, 2015.

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  1. jcp007

    jcp007 New Member

    For the last three weekends I've had a bag packed with either my Beretta or my 12 gauge ready to step off this planet and into what appears to be a much better situation. At least as fare as I can surmise at the end of the day. I'm now setting the stage for an attempt to escape this weekend.
     
  2. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    Hi. Whats going on in your life thats giving you this intense pain ?
     
  3. jcp007

    jcp007 New Member

    Many years of social anxiety, depression and knowing that no one has any answers to the big questions facing humanity. This world is exhausting.
     
  4. johnnysays

    johnnysays Well-Known Member

    Why don't you PM me. I like to talk about things.

    Ya the world is tough sometimes when you feel like you're cornered. Scared maybe. Loss of control. Anger aimed loosely at existence. Can't put it everything into words because it's too deep. Failure in your own life plays into it too. Lots of roads led you to this place, not just one, but something pushed you over the edge.

    You just want out. Shut the lights off. Quit.

    People have different reasons for reaching what looks to be near the end of the road. I remember reading an article with Robin Williams in it. I think he was discussing recent problems he had with alcohol. He said he was tempted to drink. He said something like "I was in a bad place. I could see death's door from where I was. Just close enough."

    In all my life I never saw that door until last year. Before his death. Before I read that. And you know people don't really understand. I'm, for example, very optimistic about the world and people in general. I have so much enthusiasm for the future. I believe in humanity. But me? When things are bad enough, I gently wish everyone well and....

    I'm still here. Hanging on. I have so many good times. Just a lot of uncertainty. I don't like uncertainty. I'm very sensitive to things. I have to work on that. If I cut my life short, it may just be due to that.

    I probably can't relate to everything you're going through but you can try to msg me. I want you to understand I'm a middle age person, 38 years old. Inside, I'm probably much younger. My life experence is limited.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 16, 2015
  5. jcp007

    jcp007 New Member

    I think that if there were someone who needed my help, or some worthy cause, I would have a reason... even to suffer for the rest of my life to perform some purpose for good. I'm pretty sure that's how others endure the same types of things I'm facing now. However, the only thing that is facing me is the uncertainty beyond death, which is way more appealing than what's going on down here in the dust of the earth. It's the only place to get some real answers.
     
  6. johnnysays

    johnnysays Well-Known Member

    Have you ever said to yourself privately, "God? You exist out there? Got any advice for me? Any direction? I could use some of your wisdom. I don't think you're out there, but I'm welcome to anything you can offer me. I feel alone, God."

    I've done that. I used to be a christian, but I don't believe anymore. Yet I've still done it.

    I guess the only thing I know for sure is real is me, but I'm confident everything else I can observe is too. But God? What reason do I have ot think there's a God. I'd love it if there was one. Even if God never makes itself known to me, I feel better just know God might reveal itself to others and heal some of their wounds.

    But what if God is a jerk or otherwise thinks we're just some pixels on its screen.

    Hey I don't know who you're but whatever happens I hope it's the right thing in the grand scheme of things.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 16, 2015
  7. jcp007

    jcp007 New Member

    Thank you for your words.
     
  8. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    Just letting you know you are not alone. There are membershere with anixtey and years of depression. Are you getting help like therapy and medications?
     
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