Very f*cking tempted-

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by Sadie~, Mar 5, 2012.

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  1. Sadie~

    Sadie~ Active Member

    -To cut again.

    Let me get one thing straight. When I did it before, I didn't really go very deep at all. I just irritated the skin with needles and other sharp objects until it bled, then I kept opening the wound all the time, usually in the bath tub because I love baths and it felt like an enjoyable thing to do.

    Ever since my partner found out, I stopped cutting immediately. This was roughly about three months ago. Now I am having these feelings again. What confuses me is that he found one of the razor blades I had hid in one of my drawers and he handed it to me. Surely he should have kept it away from me. He handed it to me.. part of me wishes he did that as a way of saying 'I know.. you've gone without it for so long.."
    Nothing was said and I was left to deal with it.

    So now it's in my bag, wrapped in paper, ready for use.

    Just thinking about it now makes me.. I dunno, I guess 'happy' isn't the right word.. but..

  2. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    Perhaps he was saying that the decision is yours. He knows he cannot stop you, only make it harder for you and more guilt-ridden. He may take the view that neither of those is good.

    What thoughts make you want to cut?
  3. Sadie~

    Sadie~ Active Member

    My thoughts are mixed.
    I don't like my life at the moment. I don't have friends, but I know if I had them, they'd only wind me up.
    Sometimes I just don't like the idea of getting any older. It doesn't appeal to me. I want to die.
    There's also the enjoyment I get out of it. I like the look of blood on my skin. When I bleed, it feels like I've accomplished something.
  4. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    I would advise you to talk to your partner. You say you do not like your life, maybe he should know about that.
    Why do you not want to be older? Do you fear old age?

    The very few times I have cut, its felt like control and contempt in one. Is that how you feel? You have taken control of yourself?
  5. Sadie~

    Sadie~ Active Member

    I fear aging more than I fear death, yeah.
    I dunno..
  6. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    Why is that Sadie, do you fear losing your independence perhaps?
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