Very fearful

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by cots, Dec 4, 2013.

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  1. cots

    cots Well-Known Member

    I have recently started feeling extremely fearful to the point where I shiver and cry every night in bed. My mind keeps telling me that I'm stupid, worthless, useless, an idiot, undeserving and that I'm trash.

    I already know all of that is true but my brain keeps repeating them in that loud voice that's making me afraid.

    I'm scared to go to bed. I'm scared to be alone. I told my therapist about it and she told me to recognise that it's not entirely my fault that things had to turn out this way. I thought, if that was true, why am I the only one being punished for everything?

    I used to believe that justice existed, but seeing all the people who bullied me in the past being successful and happy, I can't help but feel indignant and bitter. I don't get it. The only logical explanation I can give myself is that yes I am put here for a reason, and the reason is to be a clown for everyone, a stepping stone.

    I feel like it's about time I left. I have no place in this world. I don't belong on Earth. I don't belong anywhere. I should end my existence.
  2. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    cotton *huggles* ... you dont belong in the world that is today, you are right... none of us do. you know why? because atm, this world is nothing but pain and bitterness and coldness and just evil. thats why i say over and over again, this world needs a lot of change.... you and the rest of us dont belong in this world simply because we do care, thats a rare thing in this world today... so even though we dont belong here, the world needs us to be here. the world needs you. the rest of us need you too. we need to make kindness and love and just general caring be a strong factor in the world again. if any of us gives up, that makes us weaker, not stronger.

    you are right in another thing too.... your life... this world... isn't fair. i dont honestly think it was ever meant to be fair or even that it ever will be fair.... but that doesn't mean that we can't make it better. now you seem to think that somehow, doing this... trying to change it through example and through changing one person at a time, or one thing at a time... is you being a fool (ie clown). Not so.... thats you being smart. why? b/c how many people does just one person touch in their lifetime? how many do they talk to in their lifetime? how many do they interact with in their lifetime? each of those people that they touch, or talk to, or interact with... just the fact that they are doing those things has a chance to change to the other people involved. so lets say, you manage to change just one person ... how many more does that one person have a chance to change? and isn't it probable given the numbers, you will change more than one person? more than 2? more than 10? so ... if you focus your attention on just making sure that change is for a positive change.... then, doesn't that increase the probability that more good changes will happen?

    simply put: the world doesn't deserve you... but you belong here way more that those people that hurt you.

    you belong here simply because we all belong here. the world needs hope.... when it finds hope, then maybe nobody will have to know what it feels like to not have hope again. you belong here because you are a good and kind and caring person. you belong here because you exist...

    are you having hallucinations .. or are they just thoughts? do you know what triggered this?
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 4, 2013
  3. cots

    cots Well-Known Member

    Thank you dawn for replying. They're just thoughts, very loud thoughts that I can't seem to block out.

    Before I had a boyfriend I always thought that being a girlfriend could be something I might excel in so I held on to that hope for a long time. My boyfriend leaving me just confirms the fact that I'm a failure, at everything. From studies to career to relationships, and probably to everything else that is to come.

    The future is just fearful to me, especially when I know I've tried, but failed. I feel like I am nothing, my disappearance will be nothing too.
  4. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    Hon, the break of your relationship does not mean you are a failure. I know breakups hurt badly though, and I am sincerely sorry for your pain. If you wish to talk about it sometime, i will listen. Honsetly though, relationship are very complex and difficult things for anybody to make work... even harder if you aren't 100% confident and sure of yourself first. The reason for the breakup does not have to be your fault. Maybe it was just that you two were not compatible because your personalities were too far off, or your interests were too different, or your social circles had no hope of ever coming together, or your dreams and aspirtaions were too different. Maybe he felt guilty over something he didn't want to tell you about. Maybe he needed to do other things in life before making a committment a priority. Maybe he hurt you -- in which case its more his fault than yours. The point I'm making here is the end of your relationship is only another stepping stone in your life.... kick off from there and learn to run again. Find another man, one that will love you better. Very few people ever find true love in their first relationship. Hell, I've had a lot of relationships, I'm 39 and married... and still not in a good loving and healthy relationship. If you arent doing well in your studies ask yourself these questions: Is it because you dont have interest in the subject matter? Is it because it is simply too hard for you? Is it becasue you are depressed and thus have no way of trying to concentrate or organize thoughts or even getting up the energy to study? If you've lost interest.... find something else tht does interest you. If its too hard for you academically, the either get help learning it, or find something a bit easier that interests you just as much. If its from depression... its not your fault, its just something you need to get help managing.

    To be honest, the future is fearful to me too... thats why I refuse to look at it, I try to only look at one day at a time. Sometimes, as with today, even that is too much.. so I look at only one moment of the day at a time, that moment being the moment tht is currently happening. You are not a failure. You are something. Something great and wonderful. Something kind and caring. Something beautiful. You are you. I would feel a loss if you disappeared.
  5. MessengerFromHell

    MessengerFromHell Well-Known Member

    Likewise. I don't recall a morning without hating, at least u haf something wat I don't. Treasure that
  6. mulberrypie

    mulberrypie Well-Known Member

    :hug: cotton
  7. cots

    cots Well-Known Member

    Thank you all for replying.

    I have been told that it's not my fault dawn but I can't help but think that way. I can't find any other reasons for why I do not deserve an explanation or a closure other than the fact that I am a worthless and stupid idiot.

    To be used and thrown, used and thrown, that's my purpose. Not just the relationship, but in other aspects too. In school, my classmates used me by copying my assignments. At work, my colleagues used me to do their work. In a relationship, my boyfriend used me to have his own fun. I know all that is true yet I still let them do it to me because all I wanted was to feel appreciated and loved. Is that too much to ask?
  8. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    That's not too much to ask at all... I think most of us want that. Unfortunately, part of "humanity" is greed. It's really a big part and unless you meet someone that has high morals and/or a huge heart (in terms of emotions), you will find everyone will take as much as they can as often as they can and when they see "nothing else in it for them", they will move on. It's a sad fact of humanity... thats one of the reasons I say this world needs a lot of changing. If you want them to stick around and not end up feeling used and abused, you have to really be cautious how much you give out and how often you give anything out. I'm not just talking in terms of items that you gift someone, but in terms of favors you do for them, personal information you share with them, etc. Many people are pretty superficial and if you notice, they will talk on and on about the weather or about their thoughts about other people or about far away places but very rarely do they get down to anything that could actually hurt them if it got out or be viewed as private/personal in any way. Most people just want to pass time away without really doing much with it, except make you feel a type of connection, but its a false connection. It only feels like a connection because words are coming out of their mouths or onto the computer screen and it is taking up time but unless they really share a part of their lifestory with you or a part of their character or etc, its not a true connection. If you want to make sure you don't get hurt anymore... my advice to you, don't reveal anything about yourself until they reveal something about themselves AND you have determined they are trustworthy. Determining their trust-worthiness should come first before you even consider getting close enough to call them "friend". After you have determined they are trust-worthy, then just let them set the pace... only reveal as much about yourself as they reveal about themselves. The same for favors and gifts.... let them set the pace, don't do those things until you see their willingness to do those things for you too.

    Now that being said.... if you do things that way, it also will change your personality a bit. It will let you be less hurt by others, yes... but you have to measure that against your requirements/expectations of yourself. Will this end up changing you so much that those expectations/requirements end up having to change? Can you be happy with those changes? Will you beat yourself up for those changes? Will you like yourself in the end? That's very important... being able to like/love yourself in the end.

    Remember, there are no right/wrong answers, or paths to follow... you choose what is right for YOU. This is simply advise based on what I've observed. Do I follow it? No. Do I get hurt a lot? Yes. Am I willing to change myself to do these things? No, I'm kinda stuck in a rut because to me, other people's happiness is more important than my own. Not really because I'm "less than", but more because that's how I achieve my own happiness, by seeing the happiness in others that I contributed to them having. I get fleeting happiness in other ways, but this is the happiness that is long-lasting, hence if I changed myself, I would be harming myself in a way because I would no longer be able to achieve that long-lasting happiness as often. I'm not willing to accept that. This is why I brought up the self-analysis/questioning before you start making inner changes. It's up to you what you do and I hope whatever choice you make, makes you as happy as you can be! *huggles*
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