oo: It has been a while since i have posted anything. I got a babysitting job started it on the 12th but have yet to get paid and these kids are awful!! They are 5, 3 and 9 months but none of them can talk and they don't listen. At home they are spoiled rotten. The 5 year old can't start kindergarten yet they said b/c she acts just like a baby. So she is going to be in pre k for about 2 more years. Poor girl. Money around here is so tight. I took this job knowing or so their mother told me that i was going to get paid and have yet to see a dime. Bills are due all at the same time this month and we will not have a cent left over and of course our van is taking a crap and needs to get looked at but we can't pay for it I wrote before about the issues i was having with friends and babies which has not gotten an better. Now I find out my ex and my cousin are not only having a baby they are having twins. I can't even have one (so the doctors tell me) which hurts and the people that don't want them get a bunch. My cousin never wanted kids and now shes having 2. How did i find this out? My ex texted me and said im having twins.. I said cool. He said aren't you happy for me. I said yes but wht else do you want me to say. I was with him when i started having my cysts and other issues, he knows what is going on with me and he knows how much hearing about all that from all of my friends and family hurts me. I'm the only one with out kids. Out of all of my friends and they never cease to let me know it either. Not all of them know what is going on with me but they don't need to that is my business. So around them I act happy and excited for them but then I go home to my Fiancee and cry. It's not that I want one now because i don't we don't have the money for it but even the option would be nice. I told my ex when he was trying to get me to be super happy for him.. I said you know whats going on with me i am so happy for you but what else do you want from me. Your my ex who cheated on me with my cousin. I forgave you both and now you knocked her up. How am i supposed to feel. You know my issues and still you be selfish of my feelings and continue to rub it in. I finally talked to a friend about it. All she said was it's not impossible and if all else fails she will carry a baby for me. She's so good to me. I hope that god will give me the chance to go through it myself. I pray everyday that someday I will have what i want too. I try to keep my hopes up and I know no matter what my man stands beside me but sometimes i feel like losing faith and just giving up. Can't pay our bills, can't afford food if we pay the bills, I work but am making no money, my friends don't support my feelings. So i feel pretty alone. Even though i know my Fiancee is always here. Sometimes I just need some extra support ya know?? I hope you guys can help me and give me some courage and guidance on how to get through this thing im going through. I'm ready for it to be over and just get on with my life. Why does life have to be like this to people who dont deserve it? And the people who do are the ones who get everything... Why is that fair??