**very long rant**

[Marshmallow]

Firstly this is gonna be an extremely long rant, I don’t expect anyone to read it, I’m doing this for me not anyone else, I need to get this out, its been bugging me for 6+ months to a year and today I had a really bad thought, how easily it could have been and its made me think, and since making rant threads helps I thought I might as well get everything in my life out in one go.

Today I talked to my teacher a bit, she told me I could get thru this, well I don’t think I can, I’m not strong enough, I see one way out of feeling like this and I can’t do that because of the people around me, people I care about, people I love. I stood in the train station today, stood right on the edge of the platform, looking around me, then looked down in to the black tunnel, thinking about it. But looked back saw a youngish man looking at me, he looked pretty ‘concerned’ like he wasn’t sure what I was gonna do. Torn between whether to do the right thing and step back or do the thing that will hurt the people I love. Looked at the train coming towards me, then thought that would be a selfish way to die, I’m not saying I would of done it but even thinking about it scared the hell out of me.

I had a convosation with someone on the phone the other night, they got upset and so did I, there was me walking thru the streets late at night in the freezing cold crying my eyes out, trying to show someone how much I care for them. More than could ever know. I would do anything for them, I would give my life for them. If I had to make the choice of me suffering in pain for the rest of my life or them living a happy life, I would rather them be happy, I don’t care how I feel, them being happy makes me happy beyond belief. Me knowing there happy makes me so happy they can never realize. When they hurt, I hurt, I feel their pain. If they was to ever leave my life then I dunno what I would do, I seriously don’t, they mean that much to me. I trust them with my life, I trust them in every single way, I could tell them anything and know inside that what ever I say I could trust them with it. Trust means a hell of a lot to me, any relationship needs trust and I have that for them. I love them with all my heart, I love everyone in my life.

It just hurts so bad when their feeling like shit and there’s nothing I can do except be there for me, and even doing that I don’t think I’m doing any good to make them at least feel a tiny bit better. Every day I get worried about them, their constantly on my mind, when I wake up till I go to sleep, I care for them so much that everyday I hope to god their all right, and its killing me inside that I can’t take their pain away. Urgh it hurts that I’m so close to this person and care so much. I can’t even explain it in words, there’s like this connection that words can’t describe. I can’t imagine my life without them anymore, I don’t know how I managed to get thru this far without them, meeting them was one of the best things to happen to me in many years and I’m so bloody glad I did meet them, urgh words can’t even describe.

Rant continued .....

 

[Marshmallow]

My dad

What a bloody waste of space he was, did nothing right. A violent man I have for a father, both me and my brother get anger issue, well that’s one thing my father gave me I really don’t need. He fucked up so many times my mum had enough. Got me and my brother and left, best thing she ever did, now my mum has found a man who she loves to death and he’s been more of a dad than my biological one. I consider my step-dad my real dad in my heart, but its hearts to actually call him dad so I don’t.

There’s a few things I’ll remember about my dad, one moment that will always stick with me is when my mum and him had a massive argument in the street, my mum grabbed my hand and pulled me away from him, and my dad grabbed my other hand and wouldn’t let go. Literally stuck in between them, my mum pulled me and he let go, that moment I’ll remember for the rest of my life, ill never forget, I know from then I’d lost him forever.

Yeah my life’s been better since he left, I can’t forgive him for what he did. I hate him, I’ve never felt so much hate towards someone. What hurts is although I hate him I wonder ‘what if’ what if he hadn’t been the way he was, what if him and my mum had stayed together. Would me life be better? Would it be worse than it is already? Guess I’ll never know.

I don’t remember what he looks like, I saw a picture a few years ago but I have no idea where it is now, even seeing that picture I don’t remember, guess I block him out. I don’t even know if he’s dead or alive. I’ll never know. That hurts, although I don’t want him in my life I wanna know if I actually have a biological dad anymore or whether he’s dead. Urgh how can I hate someone so much but wanna know if there alive, it’s so bloody confusing. Everything right now is so bloody confusing. I don’t get anything anymore.

I heard that when my mum was pregnant with me, my dad took a part of a vacuum cleaner and hit my mum with it, hit her in the stomach knowing full well she was pregnant, the whole point was to try kill me and sometimes apart of me wish’s he had. How the hell can I want to know if a man like that is still alive! I should be hoping he is after all the crap he’s caused.

Urgh!!!!

Rant continue ….

 

[Marshmallow]

My brother

My brother by my dad, he’s 17 years old. He’s suicidal, attempted many times. The thing that bugs me about he’s attempts is that they always happened when he fucked up and my mum had enough of him, it was like he would take a few pills and then my mum would go back running to him. All of us could see what he was doing.

He got into drugs, got in with a few nasty people. When the drugs started all the other crap started. My cousin got heavily involved in drugs a few years back and died as a result. It hit my family pretty hard. It hurt so bad to watch my brother go down that same road.

He started stealing off me, my mum, my 8 year old brother! My Nan, my granddad, my cousin and my uncle. Stole off all of us, got my mum into a lot of debt with the phone bills he was running up. He even broke into my nans house and stole Christmas presents to pay someone off for the drugs. One time when I was asleep he sneaked into my room and nicked my phone off my side and ran up a 300 quid phone bill, then decided to do the same with my mum and step dads phone, giving my mum phone bills she couldn’t pay. But he didn’t give a shit, as long as he got what he wanted and got he’s own way.

My brother has caused so many family arguments, once my uncle went out to KILL my brother, to my uncle family is everything and he will protect them anytime, but he seriously wanted to kill my brother, he went out in his cab driving around looking for him to beat the shit out of him. Tried to storm out the door once to find him but my aunty stood in front of him to stop him.

I found out some things about him as well. Found out his had a gun pointed at his head more than once, one time was apparently a joke and another time was serious, and his life was threatened. What he was doing with the guns I don’t think I should say, my mum don’t even know about it, I doubt even my brother knows I know.

He fucked up so many times and when he got a second one he still fucked it up! Seriously when you fuck up learn from your mistakes not do the same bloody thing again and again!

He attempted suicide while in the house with me and my younger brother, screamed this house down, and I was too scared to even go into that room, he’s my brother and I couldn’t check if he was all right! What kind of a person does that make me! I felt so guilty about not checking on him, went in the ambulance with him, sat in the hospital till about 3-4 in the morning praying he was all right. I will never forgive myself for that night, I will always punish myself because I deserve every single bit of it!

He never liked me, never treated my like his sister. Treated my some piece of shit he just stood in, I felt so low because of him. We never got along, I tried so many times to build a relationship and he never gave a shit so I gave up, he only ever ‘liked’ me when he wanted someone, not a great feeling to be used by your brother.

He turned into my dad! How can I love someone who turned into the person I truly hate right in front of my eyes? I can’t bare to be hurt by him anymore so I pushed him out of my life, haven’t seen him in 6+ months and haven’t talked to him longer than that. I went 2 months with out talking to him and we lived in the same house, I hated him that much for what he’d done. I can’t forgive and be hurt again, I can’t take that pain again.

Sorry rant continued again .....

I got alot of stuff to get out :sad: don't mean to take up the space of a thread ...

 

[Sa Palomera]

I love you viks, me wifey, and I'm truly sorry for all this. You know I'm always there for you

"in good times and in bad times, you'll be my wife" :wink:


xxx big enormous HUG xxx
Est, ya wifey

 

[Terry]

hope getting it all out helped some hun :hug: :hug: :hug:

I know exactly why its long, I sometimes feel if I started writing it all out I'd never stop. I bet there is more you could say too.

ps: don't trust anyone too much, I did and look where it got me.