Very much confused

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Scafused, Dec 17, 2012.

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  1. Scafused

    Scafused Member

    I have never had an erie feeling before. not quite fear, but well, just a hard in your face actual feeling. Actually, that would be a lie if I said I had never, as I do not actually know myself, my memories are, well, conditioned by my own thoughts (brain injury). I am in my 30s, a virgin (I think?), and no family other than by-law ones, to which I have never spoken too, or care too for that matter.
    Never an emotional type of connection, then again, it is something my mind does not seek. My mind for well over a decade has only seeked one thing and even if forgotten, comes back even harder, longer, and much worse each time. My mind is leaving.

    I see no point in explaining what I think about myself, as I believe I have brainwashed many levels of my thoughts, so inability to tell as it is all self-diagnosis. Anyways, to the topic and point of this is I actually felt something today when holding something I thought I would never get my hands on. I must go to work now, but my mind is in one heck of a battle and all my muscles are quite sore (cold shakes all night). Oh right, I guess surface problems aren't quite self diagnostic, so for those I am anorexic, a self-harmer, and I guess that's it for the visible side.

    Never sure the point of any words I say or speak so please just take this all as is.. not sure of correct wording
  2. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    If you do not know who you are. Then why not decide who you are? You know decide your identity. Who is there to tell you that you are wrong?
  3. Scafused

    Scafused Member

    In most of my mind, everything is a perfected wrong. Live to suffer more, yet pain can be priority and other times completely irrelevant in regards to suicide.

    Over the past couple days, I've found I truly cannot break through that wall in my mind that keeps me alive. I do not understand it. Being the only thing I've wanted for such a long time, and I just can't do it, which only aggravates me further along with some paranoia. I've played out this exact scenario before, as I tend to over think on everything thanks to an uncontrollable racing mind which gets so fast it feels like it crashes and I'm just left confused and not able to grab a single thought down which I guess could be described as perhaps an emotional overload, as my vision narrows, frustrated expressions, etc.. (mind distracting myself...) back to point. One day I figured I could bypass that instinct to live (wall in my mind), with a particular method, as it would be instant. Now, here I am with it, still, and I can't do it. I know not of any other ways through this wall, and I very much hate my mind for it. I hate all, which isn't an understatement. I do not look at people, as I hate to be looked at, but when I do look, it's one of those deep hatred, I would to hurt you, type looks, but without control. I never mean to give off the wrong facial expressions, it just happens.

    My ability to reflect other's personalities is closing up as well. Becoming more and more mute, yet I know not why I bother writing any of this down, perhaps venting, because I could not achieve what I wanted for so long...
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 20, 2012
  4. Scafused

    Scafused Member

    What I am, is not a good thing at all. What identity is that? I have no clue who I am. Different thought levels say different things. For most though, I am wrong.

    I also know many things, like how I could possibly help myself, but my mind doesn't allow that. It's quite hard to explain.

    I have dug into my mind a bit to attempt to figure out why I am even here and writing, which left me with three conclusions. 1. I am here in hopes of receiving the correct words from a random stranger, to which not even I know of, that would perhaps trigger a spark of motivation, but still unsure on that particular conclusion. 2. I could be here to deepen my depression. A sick fun I guess. It sucks even for I, but a sought after feeling I guess. Numbness is much better than constant frustration. I know not what fun is anymore. Thought I did, but time has proven me wrong.
  5. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Well I guess that is one thing about being human. You can decide who you are. Those of us who are lost just need to walk down a path at random. What do you have to lose if it is the wrong path?
  6. Scafused

    Scafused Member

    Myself. Far too nervous when near people, which is why I simply reflect their personalities, gestures, etc, which makes people drawn to me, although they just don't realize they are only being drawn to themselves. If they knew how I am, how I think, etc, I would be locked up in an instant. The reflection thing has degraded greatly, so for the past couple years I have become quite mute.

    How do you get past the hatred of your own kind and of ones mind? How do you get past thinking about the future and the past? What do you do when you don't want anything, anymore. What do you do when you have truly insane thoughts to where you're so afraid of confrontation because you know if that would happen, nervousness, adrenaline, etc would take over, lose control, and go beyond fighting.

    I hate food so much, that without no appetite, I've easily given up on it now. Used to be once every two or three days, so now it's once a week. I could easily go much longer, but I am no fan of pain, and if I don't eat after a week, the pains start, so I eat only simply to prevent that.

    Most of the time it's as if I am simply observing myself. Shaking my head as I do the wrong things according to that particular thought level/process/etc..

    I have no wants for anything materialistic. Money, foods, or any type of relationship. So what do I do now? I know my mind is screwed. I know I really don't want to live or want to live longer to simply deal with the pains of aging and people. I want out so very badly, but am too much of a coward.
  7. Scafused

    Scafused Member

  8. Scafused

    Scafused Member

    Every thought level, process, etc.. just has that natural hate of life. I don't know when I became this way or even how, although I've kind of observed/watched it all as I went downward fast without control. It only brought much confusion trying to figure it all out. I've been beyond giving up for some time. My mind is split, screwed up, leaving, etc., and I very much hate it. The only thing that keeps me living is that natural instinct of survival I suppose. I call it the wall in my mind, another thing I very much hate.

    how do you get help when you can't handle help or even want it?
  9. Scafused

    Scafused Member

    I know why I get ignored in the chat rooms, as that is because I do not speak often, but here, on the forums, well, people, convinced me otherwise.

    Don't know why I even bother continuing to interact with people. I've tried since October 2nd. Not here, until November. I've pushed so very very hard. I have spoken to a couple people, but they vanished after just one conversation.

    Actually, I expect nothing, reply-wise. Screw it. You will just read the last line of this message, ignoring all others, leaving one small sentence, which would only aggravate the crap out of me.
  10. Scafused

    Scafused Member

    Please just delete this thread. I don't understand. I already speak to myself
  11. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    ...... we only ask about things that we want and/or need. If you do not want help, then there must be something within you that is saying it needs help, prompting you to ask .... :)
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